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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it normal to have doubts about relationship and feel permanently angry with DP at 38wks pregnant?

24 replies

missbumpy · 04/10/2007 16:20

Subject title says it all really. I'm 38 + 5 wks pg and I'm feeling really resentful and angry towards my DP.

I should make it clear that I do love him and I still fancy him and that he can be incredibly sweet, loving and supportive.

BUT, I've also been finding him increasingly crap recently. He's studying (and I'm paying for the course even though I'm now on maternity leave and struggling to pay the bills) so he's really busy with college work and it also means we're really broke. When he's not busy with school stuff he seems to feel he needs a lot of time to himself to unwind so he's often going out drinking with his mates and doing sports and other things he enjoys. I wish I could say I didn't have a problem with this but the truth is I feel really jealous because I'm stuck at home feeling fat, lonely, and hormonal!

Basically I feel like his life hasn't changed much at all (he's still going out, he still looks gorgeous, he's meeting new friends at college, he's doing an exciting new course), whereas my life seems to have just turned upside down (I've gone from a really independent woman with a good job and a busy social life to a mum-to-be with low self esteem who's really clingy and needy!).

Sorry, I just needed to have a bit of a rant. I just don't know if the fact that we're not getting on well now is a sign that we're not suited to each other in the long term or if it's just a normal preggers hormones thing.

Please tell me it will all get better when the baby arrives.

OP posts:

mellowma · 04/10/2007 16:23

Message withdrawn

fifisworld · 04/10/2007 16:42

It's completley normal
Your hormones are all over the place and he's not making it any easier for you tbh.
If things are so tight with money then should he really be out drinking etc while you are paying for his course and struggling with the bills

But it will get better, honestly

doggiesayswoof · 04/10/2007 16:51

Hmmmm - it's normal for relationships to come under pressure.

Shouldn't be normal for him to be inconsiderate of your feelings though - you need to talk about all this if you haven't already. Bottled-up resentment can be really damaging.

In the short term it may get harder when you have the baby - sorry - but the early weeks are hard. I don't know many people who had a fab relationship with their partner during the newborn phase.

Don't make any assumptions about you and your dp's compatibility during this time though - wait for things to settle down...

Good luck

Spagblog · 04/10/2007 16:53

It should get better, but make sure that he does his fair share in looking after the baby when it arrives, otherwise, he will carry on his independent lifestyle unchecked.

After the baby is born you will have a whole new set of hormones and emotions ruling you.

Tell him you need him and that you want him nearby right now. He needs to understand that this is something you are going through together.

Spagblog · 04/10/2007 16:56

Agree with doggie.

Don't want to scare you, but first few weeks with newborn are draining.
I was tired, achey and emotional...My body was an alien thing and I felt really unattractive.

However, it does get better!

doggiesayswoof · 04/10/2007 16:57

Actually, thinking about it, after I got to about 36 weeks my dh pretty much stopped going out. He wanted to be at home with me in the evenings in case anything happened. You should be your dp's priority right now.

keeplaughing · 04/10/2007 17:08

Hormones do do strange things but it does strike me he is being very selfish. you need to sit him down and have a good chat....

theSelfishMan · 04/10/2007 17:16

Sounds like he's doing the usual oh-my-god-everythings-about-to-change-so-i'll-try-and-deny-it thang.

I wouldn't worry particularly about it, as it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with how he will be after the baby is here.

Elizabetth · 04/10/2007 17:19

Don't know why you are blaming your hormones. He sounds like he's behaving like a selfish arse.

Why does he need plenty of time to wind down? He's an effing student and you're growing a new human being inside you. I know which one takes more energy.

Original poster

missbumpy · 04/10/2007 17:43

Thanks everyone.

He came back a while ago and I ended up bursting into tears and telling him I was feeling miserable and like things aren't working out between us.

As I said before, he's a really lovely, sweet person so of course he was mortified and wanted to try to cheer me up.

I think I'm a bit rubbish at tackling these things because he'll ask for specifics ("what have I done wrong?", "how can I make it better?") and I'm either too upset to come up with a sensible answer or I'll just give silly examples like how I always do the washing up. His response is usually "well, you never let me do anything, you always do it before I get a chance". He asked if I wanted him to give up the course and I said no.

He's now gone off to watch the football with a mate. He did offer to stay and said he didn't want to leave me like this but I told him to go. I'd rather be miserable on my own (and on MN ) right now than have another circular argument with him.

I am a bit worried about what a few of you said about how much harder it will all get in the first few weeks after the baby's born. I'd suspected as much I'm actually starting to worry that if I feel this low and miserable now - isn't this meant to be the happiest time of my life? - that I'll be a prime candidate for PND. Ah well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Thanks for all your messages. It's amazing how much better it feels to just let it out sometimes and have an online rant!

OP posts:

Spagblog · 05/10/2007 10:42

It is possible to get prenatal depression
see here

Speak to your midwife, or how about showing your DP this thread? If not, maybe try and write him a letter explaining that you think you need from him.

Monkeytrousers · 05/10/2007 10:50

You priorities change when you have a baby; it's no longer your partner, but your baby that comes first. Things change and it's tough. That's parenting I'm afraid.

Original poster

missbumpy · 05/10/2007 11:07

Thanks...worryingly I tick all of the signs of prenatal depression on that link! But, as it said, a lot of those things are common pregnancy symptoms anyway (lack of sleep, fatigue etc).

We talked some more last night and he assures me that me and the baby come first. I thought about showing him this thread but then I thought he might be annoyed that I'd been discussing my feelings online with strangers rather than talking to him...I think I might be annoyed if it were the other way round.

At least he knows how I feel now. Hopefully he'll start making more of an effort.

Thanks for your advice

OP posts:

Monkeytrousers · 05/10/2007 11:18

All I'd say is expect it to be the baby then you, at least sometimes, just as he will need to adjust to it being the baby then him.

Elizabetth · 05/10/2007 12:45

You know Miss Bumpy, it might be an idea to actually think of some concrete things you'd like him to do rather than just leaving it as a general hope that he does more.

Like getting him to do the washing up (or probably the coooking) after the baby is born and you need support and physical help. Or him promising to be there with you and the baby every evening rather than going out on the piss.

I mean now that the baby is nearly due I'd be expecting him to be around all the time, so he can be sure to be there when you go into labour. You shouldn't have to ask and he shouldn't be taking your word for it when you don't mind him going out with his mate instead of staying and looking after you. If he can't be sensitive and understanding now, when does he plan to do it?

Good luck!

Original poster

missbumpy · 05/10/2007 21:56

You're right Elizabeth. I should just give him concrete tasks to do. He's actually quite good at doing stuff if I make him a list of things I'd like him to do. It just annoys me that I have to ask (can't he see that the washing needs doing or that I'm carrying something heavy or that I shouldn't be home alone when I'm about to pop any moment?!).

We compromised tonight. He was going to go out and asked if I minded. I explained again that I didn't want to be in a position where I have to tell him he's not allowed out...I'd just hope that he'd choose to spend time with me rather than out on the piss without me having to tell him. We agreed in the end that he'd go out briefly (a friend's birthday and he wants to buy him a drink and give him a card) but that he wouldn't go out until my mum got back (we're living in the same block of flats temporarily) so at least I won't be on my own in case I go into labour. I was quite happy with the compromise but, having said that, he did say he'd be back by 9pm but I've just noticed it's almost 10pm and he's not back !

OP posts:

Elizabetth · 05/10/2007 22:16

So he was out last night and he's out tonight and you could go into labour any minute? I'm sorry but it's not sounding good. If I was his friend I'd understand why he couldn't be there, I wouldn't understand why he isn't home though if I was you.

When I said give him concrete things to, what I meant was saying something like he does the cooking or the shopping or the washing from now on (all of them if that's what you need) - do you see what I'm getting at, not just a daily chore that you have to decide on then direct. He needs to take responsibility for some of your domestic life. He sounds like he's got you looking after him like a parent at the moment.

Do you mind me asking how old he is?

Original poster

missbumpy · 05/10/2007 22:35

OP posts:

Monkeytrousers · 06/10/2007 14:33

I think you might just be discovering the reality of relationships; sometimes they aint good, but if you have a child you stick with it.

One thing I do know, getting angry and resentful never helps.

fawkeoff · 06/10/2007 14:41

just wanted to reassure that what your'e feeling is completely normal as heavily pregnant and hormonal woman.do not start fretting about pre or post natal depression just now,pnce you have had your lil bundle your hormones will go back to normal,this will not happen over night but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.I do have to agree that the first few weeks of motherhood are very much a blur,it is a new experience and you and baby are adapting to life together.remember hun men need everything spelling out to them if he is being a todge bag you have to say "you're being an effin todge bag" x x x

Elizabetth · 06/10/2007 14:48

The thing is I think it's normal for missbumpy to be feeling like this whether she's pregnant or not.

He sounds incredibly thoughtless and selfish and only interested in his own pleasure.

There's nothing wrong with being angry or resentful - it just our emotions telling us that something isn't right and needs to be sorted out. In this case he needs to be by your side supporting you at the end of your pregnancy missbumpy, and not expecting you to be his servant around the house whilst he goes out to play.

primigravida · 06/10/2007 14:50

MissBumpy, I don't really know what to add as I'm a first-timer too but just wanted to send you a hug and hope that your DP starts acting a bit more responsible soon. Take care and hope you have a good weekend.

fawkeoff · 06/10/2007 14:52

missbumpy can you not go and have a day out on your own and spoil yourself before baby arrives???? get your hair done and treat yourself to a nice lunch,get a manicure etc etc etc, do you have someone who can go along with you like your mum or friend so you have someone with you incase you pop

Original poster

missbumpy · 06/10/2007 15:20

Thanks everyone (and hello primi ). Since we had it out last night he's been a lot better and has just written a list of things to do and has said he won't go out with his mates any more now. I think he's realised he was being a bit of a twat. Shame it took him this long to realise it but better late than never.

It's good to know that it's normal to feel really weepy, tense, emotional etc at this stage of pregnancy. It's hard to get used to when you're used to being quite a strong, independent, together person...all of a sudden I feel like a bit of a needy, emotional wreck!

OP posts:

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