Should I get in touch?

[falaff]

Hi everyone,

Sorry this is so long :(

I'm feeling very down and anxious. I have been having problems with my parter for most of our relationship (9mo) and this all came to a head on Thursday. I've mentioned our problems to him before before and we've talked, but nothing has changed. He avoids it until it gets too much for me - I couldn't hold it in any longer and asked to talk to try and understand and resolve things.

The main issues are that I've felt very unwanted and undesired. I seem to be the one making most of the effort in our relationship, particularly the romantic side - we have fun together (it's usually me who arranges it) but I don't feel like I get anything without asking for it or making the first move. He never kisses me or hugs me spontaneously, never gives complements, says he loves me or misses me or wants to see me. We very rarely have sex and when we do it seems very one sided and I have to remind him that I have needs too. I don't seem to feature in his future and he's not said anything or asked about the long term. I have been very clear that I am an emotional person who needs these things but he still doesn't seem to want or be capable of giving them to me. This just makes me more needy. I think it is an anxious/avoidant attachment issue. That said I feel that I have tried very hard and I really don't see him trying. I have been VERY clear about what I need in a relationship and I still don't get any of it, yet he doesn't want to break up and insists things are fine.

I appreciate that I am a difficult person sometimes - I have anxiety and depression but try very hard and I feel like I have done very well recently. I have just bought a house through Covid, my dad had major surgery and nearly died, I have a difficult relationship with my sister and work is difficult. Lockdown was very hard for me and I had panic attacks at first, because my coping mechanisms were mostly taken away. I moved in with him (large shared house) as I wouldn't have coped on my own isolated in a small flat. Obviously this has been hard for both of us and it wouldn't have happened otherwise. He said that it has been difficult and I am very negative and this is the reason for thje above. I have acknowledged this at times but I don't 100% agree - I am often happy, work hard to have fun, and am always trying to make him happy. I always think of others before myself and would do anything for him. I also feel that I should be able to talk about hardships with my partner and not be 'punished' for them. It's like he only wants the good parts of me and not the bad parts when life becomes hard.

I feel bad because I left in tears and said some very honest things around how I was feeling, and said that I felt unsupported in areas (emotionally). He has been very supportive with things like my house move and he has been there for me practically, and I've told him how grateful I am for that. But I still feel very empty emotionally. We just feel like friends and it is killing me. He took this as me being ungrateful and saying he wasn't supportive at all and was very upset and very resentful of that.

He hasn't been in touch and I an feeling very sad that again it seems to be up to me to get in touch and fix this. He knows full well that I will be here crying and ancious and he doesn't seem to care.

Should I just get in touch? I can't bear the anxiety of it all.

Your relationship is 9 months long, it should be the honeymoon period.

You just aren't the right fit together, he will never give u to our the emotional support you want.

I really think you need to end it, he is happy with it the way things are but you aren't.

I feel like I just hold back my needs all the time and it's so hard. I feel so unwanted. But I am just so scared of another break up. My last break up was very hard as it was an emotionally abusive relationship. I was single and dating for a year whilst my ex moved on in 2 weeks, and I found it so hard. I know I am unhappy and it's not right but the positive things I get from it keep me going. I don't think I'm strong enough to walk away and be on my own again and we work together, albeit infreqiently, so he will always be there.

It hurts so much that he doesn't care enough to try or to get in touch. I know he doesn't love me, I've tried very hard to give him what he wants and it's obviously not good enough. I don't know how I can try so hard to put others first and not be able to find a happy fulfilling relationship.

I know it’s hard to walk away when you’re in the situation but seriously, dump him. He won’t get better. Things will only get worse and probably come to a head and he’ll dump you. Speaking from experience.

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

Have you done any therapeutic work on yourself since escaping the abusive relationship?

It is very likely you keep subconsciously picking the same type of emotionally unavailable partner... it is something you have to learn not to do or history just repeats.

What are/were your parents like?

It shouldn't be this much work 9 months in.
Whilst you stay, you are not giving yourself the opportunity to be happy. What scares you more? Another break up or living the rest of your life like this? A break up will be short term pain, you might even feel relief.

If he hasn't been in touch, there's a chance that he's trying to end it without actually saying so. That was certainly the case with one of my exes, he didn't have the balls to do it so just ignored me and my calls (pre-mobile phone days). Eventually I went to where I knew he'd be and confronted him on it. He squirmed and admitted it. I knew it was coming anyway, so it was a relief to have confirmation.

It's NOT YOU! Stop being unkind to yourself. It doesn't sound like he's a bad guy either, so it's also not him. It's just not the right fit. Neither of you have the courage to step up and end it, even though you both know.

It sounds bloody awful. Joyless and deeply unfulfilling.

He isn’t for you - he cannot give you what you need. You are allowed to have what you need.

It would be pure self-sabotage to drag this on a second longer.

I haven't done the programme but I have done a lot of work on myself and am very aware of who is isn't right for me. He wasn't like this at first - he was the sort of person I was looking for, attentive, smart, sensitive. It's like once we were together he just couldn't be arsed and knew that I would just put up with it.

I think I am mostly very sad because I have tried and I feel like he hasn't and isn't willing to. When we talk he makes me feel like a child and that it's all my fault.

Please please don't contact him anymore. You aren't right for each other and he by no means gives you what you need.

Dont stay with some just do you aren't alone...

“He wasn't like this at first - he was the sort of person I was looking for, attentive, smart, sensitive. It's like once we were together he just couldn't be arsed and knew that I would just put up with it.”

OP - you’re only 9 months in - there hasn’t really been enough time for a meaningful ‘at first’ as opposed to ‘now’. This relationship clearly isn’t meant to be.

Btw: in the early stages, some men (not all!) will say whatever they think is most likely to get a woman into bed as soon as possible and/or to have condom-free sex etc. If he is already acting indifferent, it’s probably because that was his game. Remember people are usually on their very best behaviour at the beginning of a relationship so you need to treat everything they say and do with a pinch of salt. What counts is how he treats you long-term and he’s showing his true colours now.

Whether or not that was his game, this man clearly can’t give you what you need so end it, don’t drag it out. You deserve so much better.

PS - no, you shouldn’t get in touch. Pamper yourself and distract yourself by doing things you enjoy.

Remember: if he cared, he would be contacting you. Men who are properly interested don’t need to be chased. You don’t need a man who doesn’t care and isn’t interested. It may be hard to resist contacting him at first but stay strong - your future self will thank you.

PS (and then I’m done, probably!) - stop trying to put others first. Other adults should not require it of you and it’s a recipe for being exploited in a relationship. (Actually abusers look for partners who habitually put the partner ahead of themselves).

Put yourself and your own needs first - that’s the only way you’ll know if a relationship can really work for you. Btw - he should be doing the same. In the early years, the healthiest relationship is one where both people are attending to their own needs and still choosing to be together and share their time with the other person - it means they’re coming from a place of emotional security and contentment.

I think one of the problems is that I am very used to being with someone else for my enjoyment. I am an introvert but very used to having someone around - I grew up with an identical twin - but 'full on' interactions with people who I am not extremely close with tire me out. So I crave a close connection with someone. Friendships don't really cut it.

I was really hoping he would change, well, not change as such but try and meet some of my needs. I can't figure out if he either doesn't want to or is simply incapable of doing so. Is it really too much to ask for your partner to want to show you physical affection and want to spend time with you?

“Is it really too much to ask for your partner to want to show you physical affection and want to spend time with you?”

It’s too much to ask of someone who doesn’t want to give you that and such a person will never make a good partner for you. A good partner will give you that voluntarily and without being asked. If it’s not being volunteered, there’s no hope for the relationship.

Also, based on your first paragraph, you may be expecting him to fulfil all your social needs but that’s too great a burden to place on one person, even if it is your life partner and not healthy for you either.

@Dery

Also, based on your first paragraph, you may be expecting him to fulfil all your social needs but that’s too great a burden to place on one person, even if it is your life partner and not healthy for you either.

Hi don't expect him to do that - I spend plenty of time with friends and do lots of activities and I'm happy to do most of these on my own too. What I mean is that I expect and need a partner to form a close bond with and to be on the same level with in terms of emotional needs, if that makes sense.

Hi OP - understood! Yes, it’s reasonable to expect that from a partner. If someone can’t give you that then they’re wrong for you.

When I first read your post I thought you'd probably been together for years. It really should not be so much effort and cause so much anxiety on your part. This should be the honeymoon period. He's not the one.

You mention thst he doesnt want to split up but its not about him, you can break up with him yourself whether he wants to or not.

Of course he is happy with you, he gets sex when he wants it and doesnt even have to be a decent boyfriend, you telling him your needs, him not changing and you doing nothing about it shows you dont actually mean anything you say.

He cant meet your needs and doesnt want to change to meet them. He is happy as he is.

I wouldn't bother messaging and just chalk it up to experience and set yourself some better boundaries for the next person.

You're right that it shouldn't be this hard. I don't think he can communicate in the way that I need him too. It's so hard, I do love him but it just isn't working. I think it will take a lot of change from him and I can't expect that :(