Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Can some one help me un pick what’s going on?

20 replies

Sleepingminimonster · 22/08/2020 08:00

I split up with my stbx atvthr beginning of lockdown. Things hasn’t been great for the past two years. Big argument over nothing. But his behaviour over the argument was really aggressive, not physically violent but he send me horrible text messages and cast a suffocating spell over the house for three weeks. It was right at the beginning of lock down when you couldn’t really leave the house. Just awful.

After three weeks he seemed to come out his internal rage and we talked and decided to split. I was sad because we’d had some great times and we have fantastic kids but for me I wanted out now especially since I seen what behaviour he is capable off.

We danced around each other in polite avoidance for about three months. He can’t move out till January so I think we were trying not to piss each other off.

Then when the gyms started up he started going. He’s lost a considerable amount of weight. Is getting his hair cut regularly, buying news shoes. None of which he did before. Tbh it was always a bone of contention that he wouldn’t look after himself he also ‘pops’ to the shop about ten o clock to buy shopping for his healthy meals. Can be gone up to an hour and half sometimes.
.
I’ve just assumed he was actually talking to some one/seeing some one.

However he started to bring me breakfast in bed. Bring me cakes from a shop I like of her goes near it, asking if I want some supper ot chocolate from the shop, Is helping with the laundry, and is also helping me set my new business up.

My grandmother and friend think this is all to get back with me but I think it’s just to cover his tracks and he is getting kicks out of it.

I have zero trust for him what so ever. He is capable of keeping some big secrets and looking you full on in the eye and lying. I’m starting to have nightmares about it now be sure their has defiantly been a change of statues quo.

What are people’s thoughts?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 22/08/2020 08:05

Why can't he leave until January?
It sounds like you're done with the relationship so can you leave him? Another 4 months in the same house doesn't sound good

GreyishDays · 22/08/2020 08:06

Is he trying to feed you and make you gain weight?

Somethingkindaoooo · 22/08/2020 08:09

I would say he's soft soaping you.

Is he hoping he won't have to move out?

Or keeping you sweet until his relationship has progressed enough that he can move in with her?

Original poster

Sleepingminimonster · 22/08/2020 08:09

@Shoxfordian

Why can't he leave until January? It sounds like you're done with the relationship so can you leave him? Another 4 months in the same house doesn't sound good

Finances. It’s not too bad living in the same house. There is no arguments no and I tend to retire to bed when he gets in. I’m looking forward to January don’t get me wrong 😁

OP posts:

MissHemsworth · 22/08/2020 08:13

Whose house is it OP?

LondonCrone · 22/08/2020 08:14

I think you’re reading way too much into this. He’s probably trying to spend as much time as possible out of the house and being kind to you to keep the peace. Not everything is some massive conspiracy.

Original poster

Sleepingminimonster · 22/08/2020 08:15

@Somethingkindaoooo

I would say he's soft soaping you.

Is he hoping he won't have to move out?

Or keeping you sweet until his relationship has progressed enough that he can move in with her?

We said at the start he would leave in January and tbh it was for my benefit too. I couldn’t keep this house going on my own.

It’s just weird as I class his dad as a complete sociopath and it really wouldn’t surprise me STBXH is the same.

My grandmother said I’m making him out to be some one evil when apparently he isn’t. Said I wouldn’t get any one better

OP posts:

Original poster

Sleepingminimonster · 22/08/2020 08:16

@MissHemsworth

Whose house is it OP?

Rented.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sleepingminimonster · 22/08/2020 08:17

@LondonCrone

Thank you for this. I’ve had two nightmares because I’m over thinking the situation. I think it’s because it’s such a switch of behaviour

OP posts:

Leo89 · 22/08/2020 08:20

It sounds like he’s trying to get back together

Original poster

Sleepingminimonster · 22/08/2020 08:29

@Leo89

It sounds like he’s trying to get back together

Ah god if so that’s going to be an awkward conversation

OP posts:

SortingItOut · 22/08/2020 08:36

I think it sounds like he has met someone else and feeling slightly guilty so doing nice things for you.

Live and let live

Original poster

Sleepingminimonster · 22/08/2020 08:38

@SortingItOut

I think it sounds like he has met someone else and feeling slightly guilty so doing nice things for you.

Live and let live

Yes this is what I thought all along although I don’t know if he does guilt I think it may be to cover his tracks

OP posts:

SortingItOut · 22/08/2020 08:42

I mean feeling guilty that he is living with you still but started a new relationship because its awkward or trying to keep you sweet so you dont realise what he is doing.

10pm sounds like he is visiting someone with kids and they are asleep by that time.

CasuallyMasculine · 22/08/2020 08:46

@GreyishDays

Is he trying to feed you and make you gain weight?

This was my immediate thought.

He’s popping out for his healthy food yet bringing you back cakes and chocolate.

LemonTT · 22/08/2020 09:41

IMO He’s moved on, probably with someone else, and wants smooth things with you for after the split. But speculation is pointless.

In terms of home dating it’s not a good move on his part in the situation you have for all sorts of reasons. But that’s advice he needs to want to hear and to receive from a friend. Trying to interfere won’t get you anywhere and will cause friction you don’t need.
All you need to decide is whether you want to acknowledge it or go along with the pretence of “don’t ask don’t say”.

The way he behaves towards you is your business. Explain that you don’t expect him to treat you and would prefer he didn’t. Ask him to focus on the children rather than you.

Lillygolightly · 22/08/2020 10:05

Is he the type of person to do really nice things and be nice in order to get what we wants?

I ask because what struck me is that if he is being overly nice but hasn’t actually made any moves in regards to getting back together, I’m not sure that’s his motive either....unless he is playing a very long game.

He is either:

Being so nice and helpful and attentive and taking care of himself to make you see what you are missing. He is trying to make you regret agreeing to split, and hoping you’ll voice this to him at some point. Which once you do gives him back the upper hand, and he will say no that he doesn’t want to get back together. Then he can walk away slimmer and fitter whilst leaving you heartbroken and carrying a few extra pounds from all the breakfast/chocolate and cakes he’s been bringing you. It’s a control and power thing, he needs to feel like he has the power and is walking away with the upper hand.
Met someone else, feeling all lovey and nice and can’t help that spilling over onto you. Or is feeling guilty, hence the being extra nice, or has some big bomb he want to drop that he’s hoping you won’t make too much of a fuss about.

You know him best OP, if you smell a rat than trust your gut and keep you guard up. No matter how nice he is being, you know this is a temporary state of affairs and that he really isn’t like this because you know the real him, and the real him is still there lurking under the surface. So remember not be swayed by pleasantries and keep you own agenda and interests your number one priority.

Original poster

Sleepingminimonster · 22/08/2020 10:10

@Lillygolightly

Is he the type of person to do really nice things and be nice in order to get what we wants?

He is either:

Being so nice and helpful and attentive and taking care of himself to make you see what you are missing. He is trying to make you regret agreeing to split, and hoping you’ll voice this to him at some point. Which once you do gives him back the upper hand, and he will say no that he doesn’t want to get back together. Then he can walk away slimmer and fitter whilst leaving you heartbroken and carrying a few extra pounds from all the breakfast/chocolate and cakes he’s been bringing you. It’s a control and power thing, he needs to feel like he has the power and is walking away with the upper hand.
Met someone else, feeling all lovey and nice and can’t help that spilling over onto you. Or is feeling guilty, hence the being extra nice, or has some big bomb he want to drop that he’s hoping you won’t make too much of a fuss about.

Thanks lilly that’s it he hasn’t made any moves ( not that I want him to)

I think it’s no.2

OP posts:

willowmelangell · 22/08/2020 11:11

You could say something like, "I have got that lockdown weight that everybody is talking about. No more chocolate for me! "
See how he reacts to that.
Personally I have never met a man who improved his grooming, diet and physique without a woman being the catalyst. Is that woman you or someone else?
He is keeping you sweet. Playing some sort of long game. Keep your guard up, watch your finances carefully. Has he taken out a loan in your name or something like that? Check the free online sites.

Maybe mention something like, "Will you take the big tv when you leave?" Watch his reaction. Anger or relief that the split is still going to happen.

Notverybright · 22/08/2020 11:33

I guess it’s hard not to obsess about it, when he’s always there. I think the thing is to remind yourself that you don’t want him whether he wants you back, or has someone new, or is just being a mysterious prick .

Do it like a mindfulness exercise every time you wonder what he is doing say to yourself, ‘it doesn’t matter anyway because I don’t want the bellend’. Good luck

Flip