He's happy with detached and dysfunctional

[Frolicko]

After 2 years of problems in our relationship and talk of separation, I recently realised that I needed to emotionally detach to protect myself.

This has meant sleeping separately, planning activities alone, not spending time together socially, only making small talk regarding the children, not arguing or pulling him up on things he's done/ not done.

As a result there hasn't been any arguing. I then brought up the prospect of separation with him yesterday and he was shocked! He says things have been going "so well."
He's clearly happy with an intimacy-less relationship and us living quite separately under the same roof. Part of me is confused and wondering if I expect too much of a relationship, the other part of me can't believe that he's content with this.

I think I'm reaching out for reassurance that this is not a way to live "happily" long term and that I'm right to expect more? I'm only in my early 30s, I need more than this. We have 2 children also.

This isn't a relationship, you are at best housemates and depending upon the split in household chores etc, a slave.

You deserve better

Sounds like fully separating would be best.

Doesn't matter that he is happy, you are not. As pp said you're housemates, not married.

You deserve much better than this!
Does he now know that you have disengaged from the relationship?
And no, it won't work long term. You are so young and full of life, love and passion. He is clearly not The One for you. Perhaps it worked at one time but it has run it's course.
Sounds nicer for the children to not be around arguments and frustration. Can you keep your distance for as long as it takes to sort out a job/home/childcare?

I’m 20 years older than you and thinking of leaving my marriage for exactly this reason. It’s hard because I’m old. You’re not. If I was going through this and in my 30s it would be a no brainer, I would be GONE. You’ve got lots of years left to put it behind you, get over it, build a new life and find somebody else who is interested. Don’t be me! My life is over. Be brave and finish this debacle. Marriage should not be this hard. Get out.

In the old days women used to do most of the emotional labour, now they expect men to do their fair share, men just can't be arsed, would rather go without than make the effort themselves 🤷🏼‍♀️

Of course he is happy, he is doing exactly as he wants and you are no longer objecting to it.

Absolutely no way for you to live and it isn't a partnership.

I had the same comment from DH when I had done the same in preparation for leaving. We did sort things out via DdH committing to therapy but it's taken years and tbh his behaviour was due to MH issues etc.

Does he realise you have distanced yourself from him? It doesn't sound like he has, which then makes sense that he would think things are going so well. Because you are barely speaking to each other...so it's up to you if you are happy with a relationship like that, and happy for your children to grow up mirroring a partnership like that.

I'm sorry you're going through this too @bakedoff. I understand you must be feeling really down, if its of any comfort, my Gran re-married at 57.

@willowmelangell life, love and passion is exactly what I'm missing. He just seems so joyless. I'm in the process of sorting out increasing my hours at work and finances. It's going to take 1 year until everything is in order, but DH could always move out during the process (he has somewhere to go and I don't). The problem is getting him to leave when he thinks everything is swimming along just fine!

Make preparations in case he doesn't move out as well. If he is happy with the status quo, he won't be inconveniencing himself by moving away.

This is definitely not a way to live happily longer term. If you’re willing and able to end then I’d urge you to do so.

I’d also add however, that I know a handful of couples who are living somewhere along this spectrum quite amicably due to the convenience (eg financial) and to maintain “happy” family for the children.

He's happy because you're not giving him any shit, ie not pulling him up on his attitude or actions so he basically gets to do what he wants.

This is no way for a relationship to be, life is way too short to be this unhappy. There are people out there who have a relationship with their best friends who are considerate and caring to boot. Do you really want your dc to grow up thinking your relationship is the norm?

By staying silent and acquiesing to his demands you have given him precisely what he wants i.e to do what he wants. Abusive men very rarely if ever move out so you will need to start divorce proceedings. He certainly does not care about his kids either let alone you here.

Life is indeed too short to be this unhappy. All staying with him for potentially another year will do is make you further miserable with him dragging you all down deeper with him into his pit. Do not do that to yourself or for that matter your children.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. You would not want this sort of dysfunctional abusive relationship for them would you.

Have you not considered actually starting divorce proceedings?. Or at least seek legal advice here, after all knowledge is power.

Divorce won't be quick so start proceedings, you can carry on living in this detached way.

You increasing your earnings will actually work against you financially in the divorce.

@Frolicko
"life, love and passion is exactly what I'm missing. He just seems so joyless. ... but DH could always move out during the process (he has somewhere to go and I don't). The problem is getting him to leave when he thinks everything is swimming along just fine!"

I'm going to piggy back on your post hope you don't mind. I'm sitting here in tears, looking at this forum for advice, then you wrote this. It exactly as I feel. While it's good to know i'm not the only one in this situation. It's so hard to process all these feelings with knowing my only option left is to leave and the realisation it will be better for me mentally but much harder in every other aspect of my life, financially, time with family, social life. I also have 'no where to go' and I think that's part of my problem. I just feel so lost and that life could be so much better and I should not settle for being this unhappy. We've been together 12 years and the last 5 have been miserable (for me) – no love, no passion, no "life". Our daughter turns 4 on Monday. He'll be missing it away golfing with his buddies. He traded me for golf about 5 years ago, same time i got pregnant.

@farfaraway3 I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Mine traded his family for hobbies too.
I think we have to plan. Bide our time a little but plan bit by bit. Leaving day is edging closer for me but I have to wait a little longer; posters say to leave now but if I did, it would be pure chaos for my kids. I know that the right thing to do is plan. I am not married so unable to begin divorce proceedings but this may be an option for you xx

@frolicko not married here either. He came to me this afternoon and asked if i wanted to set up a counselling appointment. I have been asking for counselling for years, and now that I'm finally at the point of thinking no amount of counselling will save us, he says this. I guess I have to give it a go now. My expectations now are very low thought.

@farfaraway3 use it to discuss amicably!

Get the counsellor to explain why ignoring your requests and unhappiness for years has resulted in you no longer being prepared to stay!