Something small but big? Would you be annoyed?

[rainstormsandrainbows]

I have an eating disorder which my boyfriend of 18 months knows about and sees me working on although I make sure it doesn't impact our relationship and make a big effort to eat what he cooks me, go out for meals etc and not make a big deal of food. Occasionally I feel guilty after a big meal or something but he does try to reassure me.

I am feeling like a bit of a burden at the moment. I am due to meet some friends of his I have not met yet next week and they have chosen a Sri Lankan restaurant where you share dishes. He sent me the menu this evening when I was out and asked if it would be ok, I didn't have time to look at it and said I thought it would be fine. However, having had a chance to look at it, I have seem that some of the food is quite spicy and I don't like/can't tolerate spicy food (not eating disorder related, I have always been like this and he knows I prefer plainer food). I have now messaged and said to him that I might not be able to join in with everything but that I would try and for him to let me know if that is ok. He has read it and not replied and now I am worried I have annoyed him.

I'm feeling like a burden:

1. Because of my eating disorder (he doesn't make me feel like this, I am just frustrated with it in general and I'm pretty sure no one really wants to go out with anyone with eating issues)

and

1. Because I might not be able to fully join in with the sharing at this meal and I don't want to show him up, esp as this is the first time I will be meeting these friends of his.

I don't know why he hasn't replied to my message about trying my best at the meal, maybe he has fallen asleep or maybe he is frustrated with me and all my eating issues.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess to ask if it is understandable that he is annoyed and, if so, what I can do about it?

I say I 'have' an eating disorder - what i mean is that I am in recovery ie eating enough, at a healthy weight but dealing with intrusive thoughts

Maybe he’s busy, or maybe he doesn’t think it’s a big deal and hasn’t answered.

Either way I would try to stop yourself from getting worked up about it because it really is a minor issue. Just eat what you like, try what you fancy and try not to worry about it.

@Whatisthisfuckery

Maybe he’s busy, or maybe he doesn’t think it’s a big deal and hasn’t answered.

Either way I would try to stop yourself from getting worked up about it because it really is a minor issue. Just eat what you like, try what you fancy and try not to worry about it.

Thank you, I don't know what's the matter with me tonight. I hope you're right and that he's busy/it's not a big deal. Do you think he would be unjustified in being annoyed with me then?

I might not be able to fully join in with the sharing at this meal I don’t know what this really means? You won’t want to try a bit of everything, but nobody will, that’s not what these things are like. The food comes out and people help themselves to what they want. If all you want is a bit of rice and dal then that is all you need to take. Nobody will really notice what you are or aren’t eating.

I frequently don't even realise I've got a message. He may not have seen it or sometimes people/men more often don't realise that you would like a reassuring reply. They just think 'OK' and move on to thinking about something else.

He doesn't have any reason to be annoyed with you,no. And he's probably not! (If he is, it's about his attitude being crap, nothing to do with your ED or what you've said/done)

You're doing well and you are going out to meet his friends, it Really doesn't matter whether you eat your way through every dish or just nibble at a little of something that appeals

He's probably not noticed he's got a message or he's just a thoughtless non replier!

My view is he doesn't know what to say and is thinking his to phrase it. Tbh I would be a bit ticked off if I was him...he sent you the menu in advance and was considerate. You didn't bother looking in time and told him it was okay...now it's not. I'd feel irritated and be looking for a way to say it's okay...in spite of my irritation.

Can you eat something else on the menu and leave them to share whatever they're eating.

@Whatthebloodyell

I might not be able to fully join in with the sharing at this meal I don’t know what this really means? You won’t want to try a bit of everything, but nobody will, that’s not what these things are like. The food comes out and people help themselves to what they want. If all you want is a bit of rice and dal then that is all you need to take. Nobody will really notice what you are or aren’t eating.

That is really reassuring, thank you

@Izzidigne

I frequently don't even realise I've got a message. He may not have seen it or sometimes people/men more often don't realise that you would like a reassuring reply. They just think 'OK' and move on to thinking about something else.

Yes this is him all over! It drives me mad but I have got used to it now apart from tonight, perhaps because it is a sensitive subject for me and I am conscious that it must be annoying to have a gf with food issues so a reply would be a bit of reassurance

@MJMG2015

He doesn't have any reason to be annoyed with you,no. And he's probably not! (If he is, it's about his attitude being crap, nothing to do with your ED or what you've said/done)

You're doing well and you are going out to meet his friends, it Really doesn't matter whether you eat your way through every dish or just nibble at a little of something that appeals

He's probably not noticed he's got a message or he's just a thoughtless non replier!

Thank you, I have found this message very comforting. I hope you're right

@SandyY2K

My view is he doesn't know what to say and is thinking his to phrase it. Tbh I would be a bit ticked off if I was him...he sent you the menu in advance and was considerate. You didn't bother looking in time and told him it was okay...now it's not. I'd feel irritated and be looking for a way to say it's okay...in spite of my irritation.

Can you eat something else on the menu and leave them to share whatever they're eating.

This is my fear...although he did know I was out so wouldn't really have been able to look at the menu, and I haven't said that I don't want to go, just that I might not be able to join in with every dish.

I don't really want to have my own 'special' plate of food and single myself out as that is not in the spirit of the restaurant and is also quite an ED driven behaviour which I am trying to get away from.

If it helps, I'm vegetarian and I hate these sort of meals as I only get a very limited choice so will be very much like you. I never feel bad about it. I don't choose to go to meals like this if I can help it as I begrudge paying for limited choice and ultimately less food.

Don't read to much into his non response, he probably doesn't think a response was required. You are willing to try even though its not the sort of food you would enjoy. Well done and try to enjoy.

Nobody will eat every dish.

If I were there I would not touch anything with dairy, lentils/beans, lots of coconut. I would not mention it.

Based on past experience I would be astonished if anyone else noticed. If they did and I didn't want to get into a conversation about how my intestines react to certain foods, I would tend to say something like "I don't fancy it right now" or "There is so much food, I am saving my appetite for my favourites."

Your boyfriend might be agonising over how to give a kind and sensitive reply whilst also pointing out that it would be fine, really fine.

@dicksplash

If it helps, I'm vegetarian and I hate these sort of meals as I only get a very limited choice so will be very much like you. I never feel bad about it. I don't choose to go to meals like this if I can help it as I begrudge paying for limited choice and ultimately less food.

Don't read to much into his non response, he probably doesn't think a response was required. You are willing to try even though its not the sort of food you would enjoy. Well done and try to enjoy.

Thank you, it's good to know that I'm not alone! I have followed up with a positive 'I've never had Sri Lankan food before so it will be exciting to try it even if I can't have much of the spicy stuff' so hopefully that will reinforce my willingness to try it/reduce his annoyance with me if he is annoyed.

No idea why I am overthinking so much tonight, it's horrible.

If it's any consolation, I've been to Sri Lanka, and although it was a while ago I doubt their cuisine has changed much but it was very mild then. There were spices in the food but really really mild, a very far cry from the average Indian takeaway in the UK. The spices really just added a bit of flavour rather than heat. I remember occasionally being disappointed as restaurant meals were sometimes quite boring, though mostly I found it nice. There was lots of noodles and rice, some potato dishes, curries were in small bowls so you could add what you wanted yourself, it was actually very flexible that way. If the restaurant you're going to is typical of Sri Lankan restaurnts, you should find it very flexible in terms of choosing what you want to eat. Hope this helps.

@HelenUrth

If it's any consolation, I've been to Sri Lanka, and although it was a while ago I doubt their cuisine has changed much but it was very mild then. There were spices in the food but really really mild, a very far cry from the average Indian takeaway in the UK. The spices really just added a bit of flavour rather than heat. I remember occasionally being disappointed as restaurant meals were sometimes quite boring, though mostly I found it nice. There was lots of noodles and rice, some potato dishes, curries were in small bowls so you could add what you wanted yourself, it was actually very flexible that way. If the restaurant you're going to is typical of Sri Lankan restaurnts, you should find it very flexible in terms of choosing what you want to eat. Hope this helps.

Thank you :) I think I'm now less worried about the food than pissing my bf off! Sounds like the food will actually be fine though and that's helpful, thank you.

If it's sharing plates then you can take plenty of rice (and salad, if available). Chat with your friends about the flavours - they will happily tell you which dishes are mildest. Only a jerk would criticise someone trying to avoid hot spices.

So long as your good company and give it a bit of a try, I can't see an issue. Maybe have a snack before hand so your not overly hungry. It's mostly about the conversation and whole experience though. I've had some brilliant evenings eating out when the food was crap, though I'm sure it will be lovely! Like a lighter, milder Indian meal.

Hmmm besides everything else, sharing plates and Covid?

OP it sounds like you are just overthinking, he doesn’t sound annoyed and probably more likely just fallen asleep or doesn’t think he needed to reply. Besides if it’s more not liking all the foods that’s not eating disorder related necessarily so im sure he wouldn’t be thinking badly of you

And honestly people don’t really pay attention to what others are having, just eat slowly and people won’t notice if you’re not having certain things. I certainly wouldn’t think anything of it if someone said “thanks but I don’t eat x” etc. You can always say “can’t eat” so it sounds more like allergies if that makes you feel a bit better. I do that sometimes as I am really fussy! But I am sure you will be ok with Sri lanken food

@JadesRollerDisco

So long as your good company and give it a bit of a try, I can't see an issue. Maybe have a snack before hand so your not overly hungry. It's mostly about the conversation and whole experience though. I've had some brilliant evenings eating out when the food was crap, though I'm sure it will be lovely! Like a lighter, milder Indian meal.

You are so right - this is about meeting his friends, the food is secondary. Because of my ED food is at the forefront of my mind but I need to remember that this is not the case for most people! Thank you

@Brokensunrise

Hmmm besides everything else, sharing plates and Covid?

OP it sounds like you are just overthinking, he doesn’t sound annoyed and probably more likely just fallen asleep or doesn’t think he needed to reply. Besides if it’s more not liking all the foods that’s not eating disorder related necessarily so im sure he wouldn’t be thinking badly of you

And honestly people don’t really pay attention to what others are having, just eat slowly and people won’t notice if you’re not having certain things. I certainly wouldn’t think anything of it if someone said “thanks but I don’t eat x” etc. You can always say “can’t eat” so it sounds more like allergies if that makes you feel a bit better. I do that sometimes as I am really fussy! But I am sure you will be ok with Sri lanken food

Thank you! I hope I am overthinking (I used to be terrible for it and thought I had got better with it but perhaps tonight is just a bad night). Love the 'can't eat' tip, I will definitely be using that if I need to!