Help

[Partyhardly]

Hey guys, i am currently on my sofa and wondering about a whole bunch of stuff and whether or not i am over reacting. This evening my kids wanted to go on a ghost drive, i ask my oh if he thought it was too late- making sure he knew he didn't have to come, i barely got a response and i simply asked if he was okay, and whether i had done anything to annoy him. He then snapped at me and said I don't love him ( we have been together for 10 years) he's just begun his first bit of time off work in 5 1/2 months and has been increasingly distant and annoyed with me. I tend to keep quiet because i know his job is super stressful. I am being genuine when i say i do all i can to make his life less stressful and make sure he has time to himself when he comes home. Lately he's been on his phone almost constantly or going out. I feel like he doesn't want to be here. What can i do to make him happy and less stressed?

Did you try hugging him? Have you asked him why he thinks you don’t love him?

He’s on his phone a lot, working a lot and out a lot. Is he ever home? Are you still ‘intimate’ at all or is he distant when he’s home generally, not just since he’s been off work?

Is he secretive with his phone - does he leave it lying around or is he glued to it?

If you’re confused about where his reaction came from, and you’re not aware of any problems until now, it might be that he’s rewriting the relationship to justify cheating. It’s an age old pattern of behaviour, so feels like a leap at the moment, but it would be on my radar at this point, sorry.

I try hugging and he walks through me almost, i tried to get into bed and he moved in my way..

I wouldn’t like that he is secretive with his phone. If you know in your heart you do all you can to make his life nicer then you should also know that how he is reacting has nothing to do with you.

Check his phone.

Basically his thing is that he always has to have a game to play on, and be on until either i say something- like make time for your family or could we have a phone-free evening please. He isn't secretive about his phone, but I don't ever go near it anyway. He has this new chat thing called discord and will literally sit there smiling at his phone, I'll playfully ask what he's smling about and he denies smiling fgs! With work and stuff he's been like this a long time but it's gradually getting worse. I understand it's stressful and that we're all different but i have an extremely stressful job at times and I don't come home and ignore my family. I still cook and clean and tidy up as well as make sure my children are happy ans entertained

What can i do to make him happy and less stressed?

You're not responsible for his moods or stress levels. He is.
You're not his emotional punchbag. He shouldn't be taking it out on you.

Stop pandering to him and just get on with your day.

Thank you ladies, i do appreciate the honesty very much. We're not very intimate, we don't spend much time together, if we put a movie on or something he goes on the blasted phone.. he's awake now and came in the living room (i slept on the sofa) without speaking to me and walked off. It may sound childish but i am so tired of putting so much effort into this relationship and getting next to nothing in return. He has made it clear that i am not a priority.

@category12- thank you, how do i stop? I have tried in the past and it gets me nowhere, i went away with the children and my friends and left him at home, i came home expecting a hug because he said he missed me, he literally carried on walking as if I wasn't there. I thought it would give him the chance to miss me. How do i stop? X

You have to think about why you're putting up with his behaviour. He doesn't treat you particularly well, does he?

He's cold, almost contemptuous, towards you.
He's disengaged and disinterested.
You feel like you're putting all the effort in.

Perhaps it's time to rethink the relationship? Why are you there? What's good about it?

“I tend to keep quiet because i know his job is super stressful. I am being genuine when i say i do all i can to make his life less stressful and make sure he has time to himself when he comes home. Lately he's been on his phone almost constantly or going out. I feel like he doesn't want to be here. What can i do to make him happy and less stressed?”

Why is it all about him? You need to start asking what he can do to help you feel happy and less stressed.

You saying that you tend to keep quiet because you know his job is super stressful doesn’t sit right with me. Sounds to me like he’s trained you to accept bad behaviour at home on the basis that he has a stressful job. Millions of people have stressful jobs - it doesn’t give them a licence to behave however they like at home. Actually you sound a bit as if you’re being abused. What happens if you stand up for yourself or ask for something for yourself?

All i do when i am on my own is think about the relationship, i can be annoying i guess, my anxiety tells me I've done something wrong even though i have no idea what. I don't ask him for anything apart from the washing up. I make my own money. He pays most of the bills and says this is his house because of that fact. I choose to keep quiet mostly because I want a quiet life. I don't necessarily think he is the most understanding person in the world. I have friends and I do stuff without him. He makes me laugh sometimes. But it's hard to see what good there is. I can put on a show in front of the kids. But if we're out or around other people we do not speak much unless he's contradicting me or take the pee. I ideally would like to wait 8 years until my son turns 18 to leave. But I cannot live like this for that long. He doesn't hit me or anything like that. I hope you all don't think that I'm a whiner, I'm really not. I just want a way to live this way for a few more years.

But is this the example of a relationship you want to give your dc? Mum all mousy-quiet and placating the Big Grumpy All-Important Man with his Puffed up Ego and Ever So Important Job? While he puts you down and mocks you?

Is this what you want your dc to think is normal?

Are you married?

No of course not, but everything is pretty hidden, unless we have company. When we have company he is suitably occupied. Or If it's a my friends dh goes upstairs. I work my ass off to hide everything from DC. I had to hide horrible things most of my life. I'm pretty good at it to be honest.

Wouldn't it be nice to live authentically and enjoy the rest of your children's childhoods peacefully, instead of living a lie and being miserable?

There's more to life than this.

And children see more than you think.

Yeah in a perfect world. I massively enjoy their childhood and we have a lot of fun together, in fact- when they're awake, everything feels amazing. We go out, we make stuff, we grow flowers and plants, we cook together. I don't serve DH in that way. He has to do things for himself, like his own ironing etc. They don't see it. He's out of the house before we're awake (i wake at 7 for work) he gets home in time for tea and that's about it. He has two weeks off now which, I admit i am worried about. But the children and I will go out, he can come along if he wants or he can stay home. All i need to do is figure out a way to stop all of the crap. Even if he stops, i still do not plan on staying with him. I am just so sick of feeling like this. If i try to talk it gets turned into a who's the worst person contest. And i am a realist. I know i am far from perfect, but i would never intentionally hurt anyone or irritate anyone knowingly. I try to express myself, but either he's not bothered or he genuinely has no clue what he's like.

My first thoughts when I started reading your thread was that I pander a bit When my OH behaves like this (occasionally) and it always makes me feel unsettled and anxious.
But after a few hours I end up loosing the rag with him. There is no way I could contain my anxiety and frustration for even a day, never mind on an ongoing basis.
He is abusive and a proper dickhead. How do you actually put up with this on a daily basis. Stop blaming yourself, stop pandering and most of all stop pretending.
@category12 struck a chord “live authentically”. Don’t stay 10 very long years, your kids will adapt and will prefer a more relaxed atmosphere without their dad there making their mom anxious. Believe me they can pick up on it

@ongham it feels like 10 years of my life down the toilet. I feel like if i just keep going, it will all be okay. I have a good handle on my anxiety, i can keep it in so thankfully my kids have never seen me have an attack. I usually wait until they're in bed. I do love him, which even typing sounds crazy. He has got some nice points. But it's never for very long. I feel like he's looking for an out. I just don't understand why.

Why spend ten more years with someone who despises you?

If you die in 10 years and 6 months, what will your life have been? You get this life once. Don't waste it.

If it feels like 10 years down the toilet, why are you planning on pouring another decade down there?

You only have one life, OP. Being on your own has got to be better, surely?

Your kid is 10 now right? So he should be old enough to understand divorce. And to respect your decision that living with someone who doesn't treat you right was not good enough. Teach your son a valuable life lesson - that if you dont love and cherish a woman, she will rightfully, leave you.

Because if you stay with this cold hearted bastard much longer, your son will grow up behaving exactly like him.

They way I measure things is, if he makes me feel crap more than he makes me feel good - over a period of time- then what’s the point.
It’s not good for YOU or your mental health to be in that situation.
He sounds controlling of your mood - and saying it’s his house because he pays the bills is so wrong

“Why spend ten more years with someone who despises you?

If you die in 10 years and 6 months, what will your life have been? You get this life once. Don't waste it.”

This. Life is not a dress rehearsal - you only get this one shot at it. There was an incredibly sad post on MN several months ago - the OP was in her mid-40s; her entire adult life had been spent in an emotionally abusive relationship which she had for various reasons never managed to leave. Having finally determined to leave, she had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and didn’t have long left to live. She was posting because she didn’t want others to make the same mistake as her.

Also, you may think you’re hiding your distress and everything that’s difficult from your DCs but you have rights too and that is no way to live. Remember what you are modelling. Would you want your DCs to replicate your relationship?