Does anybody else here have a DP/DH on the spectrum?

[Succulentsandcacti]

If so, how is your relationship?

The reason I ask is sometimes ok fairly often I struggle with DH. The lack of communication mainly, the way he shuts down and goes in moods. He doesn't face things head on. He suppresses his emotions and doesn't open up. This all leads to tension.

Anybody else?

I'm open to being told that these things are nothing to do with ASD if you believe that's the case. I've made alot of allowances for his 'ways' due to the ASD.

Most of those things aren't due to ASD. They might be linked to longstanding issues with social communication but they aren't inevitable just because he has ASD.

Shutdowns might be an ASD issue. If he's overwhelmed he may shutdown and that's pretty common. But you can and do come out the other side, and you can discuss why you have had a shutdown.

Try looking bat the YouTube channel by Purple Ella. She talks a lot about being on the spectrum including relationships.

He may not be aware of his emotions if he has alexthimia, but he can learn to recognise them. I'm working on this with my DD. However my exH also has pronounced alexthimia but refused to acknowledge or deal with it.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter why your DH behaves the way he does. If you aren't happy about it, and you can't discuss it together and work on it, then move on from the marriage.

I may be projecting a bit, but it sounds like your DH controls you with his moods and emotions (you "make allowances for his ways"). You struggle. You walk on eggshells to avoid tension. He may have ASD, but he also sounds as though he may be abusive and controlling as well.

Pretty sure my DP does and I am diagnosed.

It can be tough at times as our social cues are crap and we can miss things. We both also have a great propensity to catestrophisize. What helps is we communicate and discuss things. I never did with my ex. He wasn't on the spectrum but he never asked and was a closed book. So I shut off emotionally. DP and I talk about our emotions more and because he is more talkative, so am I. Sometimes he's not open and I have to tell him, he hasn't realised so will talk.

It can be difficult but because are both on the spectrum, we compliment each other and we both get it and make that extra effort to be understanding. I think your DH sounds like he's using it as an excuse. Although everyone on the spectrum is different. Shut downs are normal and I do this rather than melt down. I also get very overwhelmed and have sensory overload which tends to make me snappy and irritable as I cannot cope with any more overloading me.

Our relationship is good. We recognise that things are more difficult for us so we communicate and ensure that we keep things positive and discuss things when something is bothering us.

I'd recommend some books. There's some that focus solely on relationships. I've just had a google and think I may get some myself.

I'm struggling with something similar at the moment. I find it so hard to communicate with my DH and he's so out of touch with his emotions.

Does he behave similarly with friends and at the workplace, or does it somehow end up only being you that gets the "shutdowns" and silent treatment?

Many of these "ASD" men, especially the self-diagnosed type, use the spectrum as a license for narcissism. I am on the spectrum myself. Women don't get these same kinds of allowances made, I'm afraid.

Thank you for the replies

He definitely has ASD. His father his a textbook case, his brother almost certainly has it albeit undiagnosed, our DD has inherited it from him (diagnosed) and his eldest from a previous marriage also has it (diagnosed)

Since we made the link and everything made sense I've spent the past couple of years researching so that I can better understand him (and the kids)

The problem I have is that I sometimes fail to establish what behaviour is ASD and what is him being an arse (no disrespect to anybody else on the spectrum)

I'm having to remind myself often that you can be autistic and an arse as the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Communication is the biggest problem we have as he just cannot process and communicate his emotions and feelings in a healthy way like I do. I get alot from being open and discussing issues whereas he is the opposite.

Lying is also something else I struggle with, with him. I was reading about a stereotype (I know!) claiming aspies find it difficult to lie and are brutally honest.

DH is brutally honest about certain things, for example if something I'm wearing is unflattering and I ask his opinion he'll tell the truth. If he doesn't like something he'll be straight about it etc.

However he also tells enormous lies, small lies, white lies. The lot. Often.

His colleague and long term friend has autism (diagnosed) and he's the same with the lying. He will drop himself in it constantly.

If I want to have a serious conversation with DH it feels like I'm dragging him into battle. I always wind up feeling like I'm a nag because he just doesn't want to communicate.

I thought this about my ex. Turns out he was mostly an abusive arse. Possible had some of these issues but mostly unpleasant.

Well my DH is

I am hugely conflict averse and do do shutdowns, and I can see there are situtations I'd prefer to lie about than own up and have a conflict, even if it was actually quite tiny. However I don't do that in my relationship as we have good communication and I have had masses and masses of therapy.

Therapy and anti-depressants changed my life. If he has neither he probably finds life very hard work and anxiety provoking, resulting in a lot of dickish behaviour on his part.

I suspect he would benefit from therapy on how to handle anxiety in his life about conflict and relationships - but it's fucking hard work, he has to want to do it and there is no obligation on you to stay for the possibly years while he sorts himself out.

Obvs if he outright refuses to do it then you have your answer.

I have autism myself. I'm one of the ones who occasionally goes silent during an argument or emotive discussion about my relationships. It's not a deliberate or intentional ploy to abuse, it's not me simply being an arse for the sake of it, or sulking, nor is it due to any other nefarious or underhanded reason.

There are times where I've been in the middle of a back-and-forth with a partner and I've been asked "WELL????" or such. It's elicited absolutely no response from me. That usually resulted in a 'Have you got nothing to say????" prompt, to which I could only answer "what am I expected to say?"

None of this is a deliberately attempt to infuriate or an infantile ploy to close down and avoid a discussion. The simple fact of the matter is that I don't process emotive feelings in a way that enables me to provide and immediate response. Not just an articulate and appropriate response, but any response at all. You can't expect me to immediately reply to something that I haven't thought through and considered, because I do not have a response to give you until that process has been followed through. There's literally nothing inside my head to actually 'say' in response.

I need to go away, contemplate things, quite possibly hours after the event and once my mind is completely cleared of the matter at hand, and only then do I feel capable of evaluating things with any sort of objectivity and providing and articulating a response. There's absolutely no point in DEMANDING a response before then (a particularly unattractive trait in one former partner) because there's absolutely nothing for me to say, so all that achieves is to wind up and infuriate the person expecting the response even more.

It's not that I'm conflict avoidant. I'll happily give as good as I get and then some on most occasions. I'm fairly swift of thought and can usually express myself perfectly adequately on the hoof, but that tends to be when the argument or debate is about matters of empirical fact, not emotions. Emotions are personal, subjective, not the sort of thing I keep an ongoing tally of just to regurgitate on demand. If you ask me how I feel about something and I've not given it previous thought, I'll simply tell you "I don't know" then go away and give it some thought. I don't see how honesty can possibly be described as abusive or 'silent treatment' simply because it fails to pacify someone making unrealistic demands.

I don't believe it's a problem either. I'm not in any way a spiritual, sentimental, or particularly emotional person. Far from being 'out of touch' with my emotions, it's more accurate to say that I'm just not particularly emotional period. I can understand why someone who is the opposite might find that odd, but I'm in no way dysfunctional or debilitated by the fact I'm entirely pragmatic, not prone to becoming emotionally invested in other people's lives, events, etc, and I can usually get right to the crux of a matter and get working on a practical solution immediately because I don't get bogged down in semantics or get easily distracted. In fact, one of the things I find a bit frustrating about a lot of NT people is that they come across to me as ridiculously flighty, unpredictable, and prone to irrationality precisely because of an excess of emotion!

Sometimes when someone says they have nothing to say, or answers 'no' to that question, it's the honest truth, and it's not because they're being an arsehole or can't express themselves.

This is really an interesting thread as I'm newly dating someone who is diagnosed and I would like to understand this more. He's a lovely person and I don't want to misunderstand things about him.

Yes and it has ruined our relationship. I think that it could have worked if he had been willing to acknowledge that he had difficulties and that his reactions or ways of thinking were causing problems. Although he knew he had asd, he never questioned his responses or tried to communicate better. Problems included:
Inability to put the kids first; his habits and routines always came first
Inability to talk about problems
Verbal abuse when pushed / when things didn't happen in the way he wanted
Controlling - probably because he needed things to be in a certain way
Took everything personally
Catastrophised constantly
Unable to deal with problems
Only interested in his own opinions - could not see others' points of view other than to say they were wrong

ASD doesn't automatically mean abusive or even a very poor husband. There will probably be issues, but not necessarily severe issues.

I think the problem is that a man with ASD can be turned into an abusive arsehole if he's coddled, allowances made and basically comforted with how marvellous he is his entire life (in a misguided attempt to build self esteem, arrogance is built). However this is true of any person. A toxic family dynamic will make it worse and you'll be dealing with it from multiple sides. This will be further complicated if ASD runs in his family.

The particular crux of the issue with a man with ASD who also happens to be abusive and has been loaded up with excessive praise and male entitlement as he grew up ... is that this combination makes the job of reasoning and negotiating virtually impossible. He may not see your perspective at all and come to see you as being "wrong" in your entirety.

In those cases, I'm afraid the separation will be appalling and the divorce horrific but there isn't any other way forward for a peaceful life for yourself.

As a PP rightly said, more allowances are made for men, and women mask more, so an ASD affected woman's experience with relationships and ASD will be completely different (as will her husband's).

Again, ASD does not mean abusive. However, an abusive man who also happens to have ASD is going to be much more challenging to deal with as there will be more layers to the problem.

"None of this is a deliberately attempt to infuriate or an infantile ploy to close down and avoid a discussion. The simple fact of the matter is that I don't process emotive feelings in a way that enables me to provide and immediate response. Not just an articulate and appropriate response, but any response at all. You can't expect me to immediately reply to something that I haven't thought through and considered, because I do not have a response to give you until that process has been followed through. There's literally nothing inside my head to actually 'say' in response.

I need to go away, contemplate things, quite possibly hours after the event and once my mind is completely cleared of the matter at hand, and only then do I feel capable of evaluating things with any sort of objectivity and providing and articulating a response. There's absolutely no point in DEMANDING a response before then (a particularly unattractive trait in one former partner) because there's absolutely nothing for me to say, so all that achieves is to wind up and infuriate the person expecting the response even more."

This is my DP to a T. I accept that as I also need processing time as if I give an answer right away, it will likely be not a true reflection of what I actually think as I haven't guven myself time to process.

DP and I find we work together, because of it.

I find the lying thing unusual and I'm not sure I'd put that down to ASD. I will tell a small white lie in order to avoid something I'm hugely uncomfortable about. But that's it. And I'm shit at lying too. DP is the same.

With the honesty thing though, I geuinely don't understand why someone would ask us if we like something or what our thougts are about it then get upset when we're honest. Why ask?! This baffles me. DP has said I can brutally honest, as can he. But I never mean to be deliberately hurtful and I'd be mortified at hurting someone's feelings. Our brains just are wired differently and this is one of the ways in which it shows.

DP and I have good communication, most of the time. We sit and analyse and discuss. Sometimes over WhatsApp whilst he's out smoking as that gives him time to consider his answers. If one of us is bothered about an issue and we feel the other is shutting us out, we'll bring it up, it envokes discussion and then we're good again.

Lack of communication partly killed my marriage and he wasn't even on the spectrum. It's like my ex and I brought out the negatives in each other but DP and I bring out the positives.

@Succulentsandcacti

You are DP to a T lol. I find it refreshing to deal with though as there's no bullshit or double meaning to things that I need to work out or read between the lines.

@Succulentsandcacti can relate to lots of what you've written. In regards to lying, have you heard of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? It's something people with ADHD/ADD (or whatever the hell they call it now..) have which means they're sensitive to critism, actual or perceived, leading to passive aggression because they believe, rightly or wrongly, someone is attacking them and go on the defensive. This links into lying because they feel backed into a corner by what someone says and lie without thinking to avoid being "told off". It may start in childhood and not be rectified as an adult.

We struggle in our relationship because my husband is autistic and I believe I may be, so we both understand eachother cognitively, but in the moment don't at all!! We go back later and both/one of us apologise but in the moment it's more difficult.

However, like you, I'm wanting to discuss things immediately and dh wants time away to collect his thoughts. I used to be the same in other relationships and have had more, so perhaps this gives me an unfair advantage in that I've reacted in the past and now choose to be calmer and try to talk things through. The flip side is he thinks I'm "trying to wind him up" by doing this, when the irony is I'm deliberately keeping anger in so as not to be accused of shouting or getting angry when he's the one that does that..exhausting.

I'm far from perfect though and can talk too much and get moody sometimes. The difference is, it feels like that's never allowed (even if I'm just quiet and upset about work and don't want to chat much). If he gets mad it's my fault...and if I get mad it's my fault too.

Sometimes it feels sad like we miss eachother in communication. In many ways I'm too full on and my moods go up and down alot which must be hard for him but if feels like there's no way to be because I talk through problems and he doesn't want to do that and I go quiet and he asks what's wrong but then doesn't want to know the answer!

Am sure he could write many many things about me too and we do want to make it work. We rarely had problems before dc because we could both do our own activities and there was less stress. Ds is likely on the spectrum too which adds to issues, but also means we understand him better than we were understood by our parents (through no fault of their own I think both our parents pandered to us and it's meant we were the spoilt ones in the family for a quiet life). Meaning we'll make some allowances but know not to pander to his moods/wants/feelings so much, because life isn't like that and it's a bloody shock when you get into the world!

This is long but I get where you're coming from and it isn't easy!

cansu from your list

Inability to put the kids first; his habits and routines always came first - I don't have children, never wanted them so can't comment. However I drop everything for my family, they come first.

Inability to talk about problems - really hard, often have a try out in therapy first

Verbal abuse when pushed / when things didn't happen in the way he wanted - definitely not

Controlling - probably because he needed things to be in a certain way - no, but I have a very laid back DH. He also has No Opinions on interior design and we are very well matched on a lot of things which thankfully avoids issues. I have been a micro-manager at work.

Took everything personally - have you met me?

Catastrophised constantly - Yep

Unable to deal with problems - No, I can go away quietly for a bit and sort it out

Only interested in his own opinions - could not see others' points of view other than to say they were wrong - I once got feedback that 'AnnaMagnani thinks her ideas are the best' I've worked on that since.

I think it only works if the person in question has insight and the neurotypical has empathy to a different way of thinking.

I think it only works if the person in question has insight and the neurotypical has empathy to a different way of thinking

This was much of the problem with my ex-H. I do think that I've got empathy but his insight is spectacularly missing, both regarding to his children, to me and to his own capacities.

He's not officially diagnosed (refuses to go, he's fine dontcha know) but both our sons have diagnosed several traits and the very experienced retired Professor who assessed them in private practice has met ex-H and said she thought he was autistic.

Mind you he's also a financially dishonest shit, which has nothing to do with autism and everythign to do with being a deceptive fucker.