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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Heartbroken struggling to think straight...

23 replies

Twopaperaeroplanes · 21/08/2020 19:09

I've just come out of a 5 year relationship. With a man I honestly saw my whole future with, we were about to move out together we had been discussing baby names, we had been planning silly little things like what colours we would pain walls in our home together.
He broke up with me very suddenly, said he had neglected me cause of his own 'mental shit'. He said he still loves me and I haven't done anything wrong or changed he just doesn't know why he feels different. But he since denied having any problems with mental health. We broke up the start of July.

He's talking to another girl now which we argued about and he promised me nothing was happening he was just talking to her cause he was so fed up of missing me, wanting to see me and regretting what he had done. To me this doesn't seem fair. This girl is 6 years younger than him for starters and she goes to uni 5 hours away next month. Do you think once shes gone and the distraction is gone he will have to end up thinking about this and about us? I love him so so much and it hurts that it's over when he still loves me too.

It's my birthday in 2 weeks he promised he would wish me a happy birthday, if he does should I respond and how? We are 14 days in to no contact. I'm in a really bad way can't sleep eat or concentrate. Do you guys think I will end up hearing from him?

Just any advice would be so appreciated.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/08/2020 19:20

Don't you think being fallback option is going to crush your self-worth?

Aim higher.

He's being quite cruel, keeping you hanging on.

Hanab · 21/08/2020 19:22

Imho

His head was turned ..

MH is a very convenient excuse ..

1st he has it than doesnt.. its crap the way he has treated you. If he was so cut up about leaving you he would be trying to ‘fix’ things but he is out there chatting up someone else..

YOU are worth more.. don’t expect anything from him .. take small steps and try to move on .. it’s not easy but please don’t sit and wait on him, try to cut down on SM checking as well..

If he wants you he will come to you ..

bloodywhitecat · 21/08/2020 19:33

He's stringing you along. I'd take the ball out of his court and delete his contact details, it will hurt but in the long run you will be healthier and stronger for doing it.

QueenoftheIceAge · 21/08/2020 19:46

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

Twopaperaeroplanes · 27/08/2020 14:46

I do agree he's stringing me along. We still haven't spoken at all. I regret begging him to stay. I just don't understand how to move on and heal from this. He doesn't really use social media so I'm not checking it cause theres nothing there. I just feel lost.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 27/08/2020 15:06

Hard though it is, the best way to get over someone, also gives the highest chance that the other person will miss you enough to think about coming back and regret their decision, that is to stay no contact. Waiting to see, will he contact or won't he though, is the part that is going to set you back with getting over him, and bring you down more on your birthday. So take charge and block his number, don't let him ruin your Birthday, don't fill your head with wondering what he will do for the next 2 weeks.

MMmomDD · 27/08/2020 15:23

OP - you are way too young to be planning ‘your whole future’ with anyone. You met him when you were barely adults - and I am guessing you both are just around mid 20s.
This often happens - people meet in late teens, while they are still changing and growing. And so the relationship run their course.

It doesn’t help with heartache for now - but it’s totally normal. These early relationships are trials for one day when you are more mature, have your life figured out, and more ready for an adult relationship.

Hard as it is - and most of us have been there at your age - it will get better. And you will survive and meet someone one day who will be right.
Most people doesn’t end up spending their life with their first love. It hurts at the time, but it’s OK.

Dery · 27/08/2020 17:45

"Hard though it is, the best way to get over someone, also gives the highest chance that the other person will miss you enough to think about coming back and regret their decision, that is to stay no contact. Waiting to see, will he contact or won't he though, is the part that is going to set you back with getting over him, and bring you down more on your birthday. So take charge and block his number, don't let him ruin your Birthday, don't fill your head with wondering what he will do for the next 2 weeks."

This.

Hard as it is, it sounds like the relationship has run its course for him. Even if he is making silly excuses for why he feels this way, he is at least not trying to blame it on you. Ignore what he's saying: look at what he's doing - if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He's choosing not to be. Instead he's choosing to pursue another woman. He's not doing that because he misses you and regrets what he's done. He's pursuing another woman because, now he has ended the relationship with you, he can pursue other women. If he was still with you, it would be cheating. But he's not with you and it isn't.

It's going to hurt like hell for a while but most of us have been there and we can guarantee that the pain will pass. It will take time and generally the only way out of it is through it. But it will pass and you will learn a very important lesson which is that you can have your heart broken and still, in time, find pleasure, enjoyment and fulfillment in life and also, in due course, love. I say that because a terrific acquaintance of mine - in her late 30s - recently told me that she had never allowed herself to fall in love because she was so scared of getting hurt. And she's becoming increasingly aware of all the wonderful and fulfilling opportunities and sheer relationship practice she has missed out on as a result.

You need to get busy and distracted with other things especially now lockdown has eased somewhat in most places so most of us are now able to go out and about and see friends etc, even if we have to meet outside, remain several feet apart and so on. You may find it difficult to concentrate but the more activities you fill your time with, the more distracted you will be. And you will start to notice that a few hours have gone by and you haven't thought of him and those periods of time - when you're not thinking about him - will increase as time goes by.

In particular, make some arrangements for your birthday which don't involve even talking to him on that day. I agree with PP that you should block him - that way you won't even be subconsciously waiting for him to get in touch because you will know he can't.

Iggypoppie · 27/08/2020 17:49

He's checked out of the relationship. Best thing you can do is grieve and move on.

diplodocusinermine · 27/08/2020 17:54

So he's missing you so much it's forced him to get involved with someone else. What a crock of shit. Be thankful you found out what he's really like before you have a house and family.

You love the idea of him, not the reality. If you actually sat down and thought about how he has treated you, you'd be thanking your lucky stars for your lucky escape. Block him and walk away - he will probably try to smarm his way back in, but don't let him - he has shown you who he is.

Why are you holding out in the hope he will wish you a happy birthday? Your birthday can be happy without his pathetic input. Come on now, chin up, start planning the rest of your life now he's not there to hold you back.

category12 · 27/08/2020 18:04

I do agree he's stringing me along. We still haven't spoken at all. I regret begging him to stay. I just don't understand how to move on and heal from this. He doesn't really use social media so I'm not checking it cause theres nothing there. I just feel lost.

I recommend you send him a message "On 2nd thoughts, we're done here, it's been real, have a nice life, kthnxbai" (or variation thereof) then block his number on your phone, block him on social media, set up your email to send anything from him to junk.

Then you've taken control and you can move on.

faithfulbird · 27/08/2020 18:04

He did you wrong. Why waste anymore time on him? You'll get back with him, he'll be sweet. That girl will come back. Another girl might pop up here and there. He's not loyal. Don't waste anymore time. You'll find someone who treats you better. If he texts you for your birthday, the best thing you can do is ignore it. Keep yourself occupied in other ways. 5 years is along time don't waste another 5 being messed around. He needs to grow up.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2020 18:09

He left you for another woman. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and block him. Move on to someone who actually does respect you. Don't let him fuck you about like this.

Twopaperaeroplanes · 27/08/2020 19:20

Thank you everyone I really appreciate it and appreciate everyones honesty.

It felt good when I saw this girl was now back with her ex boyfriend cause I felt almost a bit relieved like that his ego probably got a bit of a hit from that? I hope that doesn't make me sound like a bad person just he hurt me so much.
I feel bad for how I handled the breakup, begging him and pleading and getting angry about that girl. Should I apologise? Or just go no contact and move on with my life?

OP posts:
category12 · 27/08/2020 19:29

What on earth would you apologise for? Just go no contact.

Ariela · 27/08/2020 19:35

NC & move on

Yarboosucks · 27/08/2020 19:38

You had a lucky escape there! He is a man child and he will be be one for quite some time to come.

The only thing that you should do is make sure that you have a great birthday. He he messages or contacts you, that would be nice, but nothing more! It will not be a sign or indicator of anything other than he has some redeeming features.

Move on, have fun, live life, build some fabulous memories to look back on when you are older and bogged down by rent / mortgage and the baby will not sleep.

momtoboys · 27/08/2020 19:41

@Twopaperaeroplanes

I do agree he's stringing me along. We still haven't spoken at all. I regret begging him to stay. I just don't understand how to move on and heal from this. He doesn't really use social media so I'm not checking it cause theres nothing there. I just feel lost.
The only way to move on from a heartbreak like this is to keep putting one foot in front of the other until enough time has gone by and you will realize you got through it. Its awful, but you will get through it. Keep telling yourself that better days are coming and that it is his loss.
Twopaperaeroplanes · 27/08/2020 20:20

Thank you so much everyone! This is the first place I've spoken and not felt attacked. So thank you!
I am going to start making plans for my birthday now, plans for my future and just try and enjoy everything as much as I can whilst still taking it day by day to recover. It's such a horrible time to go through and I really don't want to sound big headed or that I think I'm perfect etc but I realise it really is his loss. I dealt with a lot from him that no one else would and yeah... It's his loss not mine.

OP posts:
category12 · 27/08/2020 20:57

Please for the future, don't make putting up with things other people wouldn't something you do again. You need good strong boundaries and be proud to assert them. Love isn't tolerating all sorts of crap from someone.

It is his loss Flowers.

LilyWater · 28/08/2020 01:29

Unless you started going out with him very young, the 5 years without any proposal tells you all you need to know about where he sees you in his future. Be grateful you're not wasting further years on him. It's very hard but you need to move on. When you're ready to, you'll then give yourself a chance of finding a lovely man who deserves you and wants the same things as you. Whatever you do, dont go back to him for anything 'casual' or to rekindle things. A lot of men in his position, upon knowing their ex is still very keen on them, will use the woman for sex for an ego boost down the line, and just string them along. Hold you head up high! Flowers

LilyWater · 28/08/2020 01:29

*your

Twopaperaeroplanes · 28/08/2020 13:21

@LilyWater

Unless you started going out with him very young, the 5 years without any proposal tells you all you need to know about where he sees you in his future. Be grateful you're not wasting further years on him. It's very hard but you need to move on. When you're ready to, you'll then give yourself a chance of finding a lovely man who deserves you and wants the same things as you. Whatever you do, dont go back to him for anything 'casual' or to rekindle things. A lot of men in his position, upon knowing their ex is still very keen on them, will use the woman for sex for an ego boost down the line, and just string them along. Hold you head up high! Flowers
Thank you Lily, I was 17 when we first started going out so was very young and we were on the same page on not wanting to be engaged till we had our own place. But yes I do agree and I wont let him use me for any form of ego boost. It is really difficult but I hope I can feel happy in myself again soon. Thank you! Flowers
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