Husband prefers porn to real thing

[Shud5483]

Hi I’m new to this and I realise this has been posted a 100 times before, but I really don’t know what to do, I’ve been in a relationship for 4 yrs now and a lot has happened in the past year within our relationship ie partners ex wife died and we now have custody of 2 young children I have 1 of my own but he is not the father. Anyway I’m feeling that I’m only here to take care of kids and look after the house, I’ve tried to talk about things with him but he gets really arsy with me and gives me no real answers, For about a year and a half our sex life has become nonexistent. more often than not I initiate the sex between us he can go months without touching me also it’s very rare that he can ejaculate when we have sex and most of the time has to do it himself which make me feel so inadequate and when we do have sex I feel he’s not really into it I spoke to him about it and he now informs me that his sex drive is not that high but he watches porn everyday and gets himself off in the shower even when I’m sat in bed waiting for him, I’ve never turned him down for sex and am quite adventurous in the bedroom, I’m starting to feel very depressed about it crying myself to sleep most nights wondering if I should stay in this relationship ( I realise sex is not everything) I’ve tried to speak to him about it and asked all the questions, does he find me attractive etc but he just says I’m being paranoid and he wouldn’t be with me otherwise , I know guys like to watch porn and I’m not against it I even watch it myself.
Am I being paranoid and coming across as nagging?

I think the question you should be asking is why the hell you are putting up with this. Watching a little porn here and there may be normal (for some) but watching it to the extent that it is making your partner feel like shit is unacceptable.

Also sounds like it's an addiction for him.

If you arent happy, which I bloody well wouldn't be, get the gel out now. Rather than a few years down the line when your kid is attached to his and them, to you.

Don't hang about in a loveless relationship, beingan unpaid babysitter to a creepy, cold porn addict.

Stop asking if its ok for you to have needs. Or if it's ok for you to have a problem with being treated like shit? Of course it is! A nag? Oh heaven forbid xD I think he has treated you like a doormat far too long! Get yourself and your wee one out of there asap.

*hell out

His brain is addicted to the endorphins and oxytocin which means he has literally bonded to the artificial means in order to be aroused. The nature of this is that he needs more and more of the artificial arousal - it’s culmination in the wrong direction for healthy intimate relationships.

This will only change if he wants it to and with abstinence from porn.

Personally I think his behaviour is secretive and he has made his choice time and time again and it’s not you.

You need to think about what you want.

My ex husband preferred porn over me. I left.

I left my ex for the same reason. I was single for ages but then met someone who actually WANTS to have sex with me and can perform when we do. It’s a revelation!

Thank you for your reply’s, I have spoken to him about how I’m feeling he says that he still finds me attractive loves me and still wants to be with me etc etc, he doesn’t know that I know he watches porn Not sure how to have the convo 🤔 he still insists that he doesn’t have a high sex drive like I do, he has apologised for the lack of sex .
everything else in the relationship is ok we do go out/ away together alone and with the children, he is a very stubborn person always has been lol and I’m afraid that if I keep pushing it will get worse, I do love him very much

I would leave him 100 percent no man is worth making you feel the way you are I have been though this for ten years and it ruined me ! 10 years on and it's still damaged the way I am and feel x

It's not about you.

You're like the people who try to work out what they have done to make a partner cheat. It wasn't you - they always would have done it.

Find a nice one instead. Or stay single (my own preference)

You love him but he's not that into you.

You are his domestic appliance...

He is lying to you about his sex drive!!! He would rather wank to porn everyday than have sex with you.

You deserve so much more than that.

And this will be a hard read, but what you feel isn't love. Love can let go, and love starts with love of self.
blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trauma-bonding-is-it-love-or-something-else/

Just tell him that you know what he's watching.. see what his response is.

Really sad for his kids. They have lost their mum and it looks like their dad has tried to find a replacement, but lo and behold that isn't working. That's not your fault necessarily. Do you want to try and make the blended family work? If so, need some really hard chats with him. If not, cut your losses sooner rather than later xx

Just to check...are you sure its porn with... women he is watching?

Also, that it's not some sick extra fetishy porn?

I'd be wondering that.
Just seems odd that he has completely gone off sex. But then maybe that's all part of watching too much porn too.

Tbh op, if there is no intimacy in a relationship and the person makes you feel shit about yourself, that's no way to live.

He tells you he has a low sex drive but he’s wanking at least once every day?! Nah...sorry that’s bs. You are his housekeeper and childminder, and he makes you feel miserable. I’d be making plans to leave ASAP. He wants you to stay cos who will do all the work you’ve been doing?

@Bunnymumy yes it’s regular women porn nothing out the ordinary don’t get me wrong I know men/ women watch porn I have myself but wish that we could be intimate together I know life gets in the way sometimes but like I said we do spend time alone 😢@Mistystar99 we were together way before mummy died and there relationship ended 7yrs ago I do want this blended family to work I think of his children has my own,@LJenn really not sure how to approach the subject don’t want him to know I was snooping lol

What's to love about this man? He treats you like rubbish and you're nothing more than an unpaid nanny and housekeeper to him. Give your head a massive wobble. Get out before you waste one more day of your life on this man.

If you really want to stay with him, I'd be telling him that he either chooses the porn or you. If he asked you to choose between porn and your relationship, what would you decide?

You're not asking him to not enjoy himself, just to be open to reality. He can still wank.

Also, I think there is nothing good about porn, at all. It has a negative effect on the sexual ability of males and their ability to empathise with women as human beings, and that's before you even get onto the abuse. But that's a separate matter.

You are not inadequate, he is. He sounds more trouble than he is worth unfortunately.