Husband issues (Manchild)

[Starsandsparkle01]

I am really conflicted about this post, and just want some honest advice. For context this last year has been an incredibly stressful one in a lot of ways we found out we were expecting our first child at the beginning of the year in the middle of a house renovation. We were happy, and the project should have been finished in the spring then Covid hit and I'm now full term and still decorating, organising and trying to finish the house.

My husband is a lovely man, fairly relaxed in nature and calm but he is a massive man child. It's taken this year for me to realise the true extent of how much I do compared to him mentally and physically.

I have tried talking to him, we have gone through chores and tried to even them out but he just doesn't do it or take it on board after that conversation. I've spoken with and dealt with every single tradesmen, every order for the house (he will do the research if asked and then I'll purchase on the credit card so we have a tally in one account) and every baby item. I do all our finances, I'm currently trying to sort out our re mortgage and life insurance and I'm nearly at full term as well as decorating, general cleaning and organising, food shops etc.

So today I think it just hit me that I'm married to a man child, hes managed to accidentally chip our brand new breakfast bar lights (it was fitted 2 days ago) and he has said it's a mistake but has not offered to try and organise sorting it and when I've got upset because its another thing I'll have to do hes stormed off upstairs. I get that its daunting and scary becoming a parent so maybe thats why hes kinda acting this way but honestly he does nothing without direction. I am constantly cleaning paint off our sofas because he forgets that he has paint on his clothes or to put a sheet down. I know it sounds trivial but its exhausting as it's like having a messy 5 year old that does nothing but add extra headache when they want to 'help'.

He openly will admit his mum babied them all growing up but it's getting to the point, where it's nothing to do with his upbringing its him and just how he is. He thinks someone else will come along and clean it up as before his mum did and now I do. It wasnt even always this way, he used to be a bit more proactive and helpful but it's like he's regressing. I dont know what to do anymore, I'm sick of feeling like a nag so I just get on and do it.

It extends into every aspect of his life bar work, which he is super diligent with often to the detriment of us as a unit because he will work till late so has no time to do anything else.

I'm at a loss, I love him but equally I want us to be more of a partnership rather than feeling like everything is my job.

Your husband isn't a man child. He's simply taking the piss and he is quite comfortable with you taking the mother/housekeeper role because he's lazy. That bollocks would not be tolerated in most work places.

I can be quite forgetful. Mess and clutter simply doesn't bother me like other people, I'm quite clumsy, a bit ADHD etc....but if the toilet or sink is blocked I'm there with a plunger. If something needs to be done, I'm online comparing quotes, making lists, calling people up. Since I'm an artist, I must have got paint on a lot of my clothes by now (I usually have a separate wardrobe for being in the house though because of this), but when I painted the walls to my studio I put plastic sheeting down to protect the floor and taped up the sides. If I can manage, I'm sure he can.

Is there any chore he doesn't mind doing as much? I hate chores but it sounds like he doesn't want to fuck all. You are not a nag.

Do you know what mental and emotional labour is? Have a look at this -

www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear#page-41

I think you need to get out of the habit of doing things for him. When he chipped those lights you should have said 'well what are you going to do about it? You made the mistake, fix it'.

It sounds like if you dont do things, they dont get done but if you keep doing them then he keeps taking the piss. Which on the face of it might seem like catch 22 but it really isn't. Because you need to give him an ultimatum 'shape up or ship out'. And be prepared to follow through.

He is your partner, not your child.

He can do it, he just knows that you'll do it. As he is super organised and diligent in his work, you know that he can do it. And my parents did a lot for me when I was a child but guess what, I grew up and became and adult so had to do them myself. And when I became a single mum I had to take on things like the MOT, buy a house, fix my car and plumbing etc that my ex used to take care of. I either do things myself or pay someone to do it. It is quite simple.

Have a word with him because it can't continue and he's being huffy so you won't ask him anymore.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Your love for him will soon further turn to resentment particularly once your child is born with you still carrying the mental load whilst caring for your child. He has not stepped up and won't step up either and he really does have no respect for you whatsoever so its nothing to do with him soon becoming a parent. You are there in his eyes to service his every need and you've basically carried on where his own mother left off. All the stuff outside his work is your job and yours alone in his head. He does not act like this at work because such would not be at all tolerated from him. But you've tolerated this to date from him though, the question also here is why?.

What is the point of him really?. All he does is create problems and more work whilst you knock yourself out being his maid and skivvy. When the going gets tough too he scarpers off upstairs in a huff rather than take any responsibility for his actions.

I would seriously consider your own future within this because its not going to get any better for you nor your child. He is certainly not a good husband to you so what sort of a father is he going to be to his child?.

Thank you all, @Wondersense that comic literally sums up how I'm feeling so I will share with him. And yes you're right he is capable as you've said he proves as much with his work life. I think I perhaps need to be firmer and not relent just doing things but it is the case of I dont want to suffer as a result so perhaps why I do continue to do things.

Op.
Change your habits right now and stop enabling his behaviour. You are going to be parents soon. He will be one of those men who will call looking after his own child as "babysitting".

Set him straight and stop doing so much stuff for him.

OP, draw up a timetable and allocates chores for him, do not tell him again to do it. If he does not do it, don't mention it, don't do it. You carry on with your chores/tasks.

To be honest, it's not going to get better with a new baby. What did you do when he stormed off upstairs like a teenager?

Is this your husband?

@Buffett thank you for the suggestion to split them again, I've had an idea as we have a big board in our utility so it's there in plain sight and he can't play the I didn't see it/realise card. I have started leaving things generally that I've asked him to do, I wont make a repeat point about it and just wait to see how long it takes. Its currently 2 weeks for him to put away his clean laundry that I've washed and folded.

With our first child my DH was just 9 months behind me in terms of mental preparation. I was ready because I'd been pregnant for 9 months. I did all baby preparation while husband buried himself in a new job. He even took on night shifts right before my due date (he does now admit this was a bit daft). Then after baby was born he continued to just be completely behind the curve. It was so frustrating and we just never seemed to be on same page. I was constantly annoyed that he wasn't doing more and he thought I was turning into a massive nag.
Things only got better when I stopped trying to do everything and expecting him to do things exactly the same. I started persuading him to take responsibility for the baby a bit more often but letting him do it his way and we split jobs between us.

I think we'd both had this idea that we would be equal partners in parenting. I realise with hindsight that I needed to force the equal partners bit from the start of the pregnancy because it would take a while to achieve this - not expect him to suddenly do things equally from when baby arrived.

For the love of god don't make him a list or a schedule.

Sit him down. Tell him that this is a potential leaving offence. He needs to step up, stop being lazy, and start sharing the shit work burden. Tell him it is disrespectful and shows a lack of care. It's making you question the whole relationship. Etc...

The thing is though, drawing up a timetable of chores is exactly the same thing - babying him.

It might solve things in the short term but ultimately, he isnt really making the changes to himself. Not that its likely for a grown man to suddenly decide to stop being peter pan. But ultimately, that's what he needs to do if he wants to be right with you.

He needs to start thinking for himself about what needs to be done. And about your needs.

I agree with pp about sitting him down and having a chat. 'This is what I need from you'. But you shouldnt be drawing him a diagram of how to behave like a grownup. He has to learn to take the initiative.

@Fuschiamum thanks for sharing. I have tried from early in the pregnancy to shift the balance but I dont think I've perhaps done it effectively. I wouldn't mind that ive had 9 months longer but really between renovating the house and organising everything my pregnancy has in a lot of ways passed me by but I've still managed to get everything sorted and organised for their arrival and read up and prepare whilst working full time so I've stopped buying the excuse of I dont have time and now just think it's more it's not a priority for me

@Bunnymumy yes we have had a chat today about it and he does know he isnt pulling his weight. And so he has today made and effort for the rest of the day, but I guess we need to see longer term. This is the 4th or 5th time in less than a few weeks we have had a flare up like this and we have chats at the time and hes sorry but then a few days later back to the same again.

What are you going to do when the baby is here? You won't be able to keep doing it all. He will have to do it.

I'm currently divorcing a man who fits this description entirely. I turned resentful of his total supposed incompetence and lack of sharing the mental load. My life is far easier and way less stressful as I only need to rely on myself and parent one actual child.

I could have written this post. Thirty years I have had it for. To be honest I just get on and do things because I want them done now. It's the biggest source of arguments between us. I doubt anything you do will change him so you need to decide if you want to put up with it.

I could have written this post. Thirty years I have had it for. To be honest I just get on and do things because I want them done now. It's the biggest source of arguments between us. I doubt anything you do will change him so you need to decide if you want to put up with it.

I'd try and sort this out before little one comes along. My husband does nothing around the house and if I ask he might do it or if he's tired he'll tell me, no stop nagging me.
I could just about cope when I had one child and now two kids I find it difficult. I blame myself for not nipping it in the bud during the early days. Start as you mean to go along when baby arrives or it'll be very difficult to get him to do stuff down the line

he's going to be even worse once the baby is here.....and you will so ground down and tired and left with next to no sleep that you won't deal with 'effectively' then either.

i don't know how you managed to get this far - doing everything- and not realising that???
I'd be giving him an ultimatum right now - pull your weight or fuck off.

You're going to end up with two children to look after despite being a mother to only one......

Sit him down. Tell him that this is a potential leaving offence. He needs to step up, stop being lazy, and start sharing the shit work burden. Tell him it is disrespectful and shows a lack of care. It's making you question the whole relationship. Etc...

This, 1000%. Stop enabling him, sorry, but you are. Every time you do something he should, stop. No lists, he needs to step up.

Nothing to add but what’s already been said. It sounds petty saying that being messy is a leaving offence, but honestly it’s so frustrating that it will kill the love you have for him before too long.

My DP is the same and today I’ve actually told him not to bother coming over as my kids are away tonight, and I just need a break, not to be mothering someone else!! When their presence causes you more work instead of less, something is wrong.

It may be salvageable if you can get him to see the problem himself, but micromanaging him with lists of chores that he may or may not get round to doing won’t solve anything, it just puts you into the role of manager to someone useless, which is just as frustrating as being the colleague of someone useless!

Man babies aren’t born they are enabled, you are just his current enabler.

He knows that all he has to do is make the right noises and throw in a few token gestures and you will go back to taking up his slack.

Maybe you need to stop doing the chores that directly affect him.

I.e no lunch made for work, he takes on the laundry and ironing...so his problem if no clothes for work