Need advice - MIL very unhappy

[Roselilly36]

First time poster and genuinely interested to hear people’s opinions, in a nutshell DH & I have put our house on the market.

MIL is very unhappy about our decision to move as we shall be moving 3hrs or so away.

MIL is elderly but v.fit and has lots of family around her. We have tried to speak to her & reassure her that we will still visit, she can stay with us etc, but nothing that we can say seems to help. She says she doesn’t want us to move, that she can’t sleep, having migraines etc and generally trying to make us feel guilty.

The reason we want to move is too downsize, property is cheaper where we intend to move too, also there will be more opportunities for our grown up DS’ as we intend to move to the outskirts of a big city.

We don’t want to upset MIL, we all love her dearly, but feel the move will be better for our family, as I have a progressive disability we want to get settled in a bungalow. DH, I & DS’s are keen to move.

But the opposition from MIL is really getting me down. What would you do? Are we being selfish? I don’t think we are but beginning to doubt myself, if that makes any sense.

I wouldn’t worry OP, my parents are 3 hours away and we alternate visits once a month. Totally doable! You have to do what’s best for your family the three of you x

She says ... she can’t sleep, having migraines etc and generally trying to make us feel guilty

It's natural that she'll feel sad, but the above is a major red flag and shows how she'll try to manipulate you when she gets older and becomes sicker

All the more reason to move (though obviously you'll keep in touch)

Selfish MIL.

She's lucky enough to be able to stay in a good area, but she's not downsizing to help you, one notes.

You're moving for a multitude of practical reasons and the only reason to stay would be MIL and that makes no sense when you look at it rationally. Would it help for you and DH to sit her down and tell her firmly that your decision has been made and all she's doing now is spoiling the time you have before you go and souring your relationship overall? Point out that your list of 'pro's' is huge compared to overcoming a 3 hour journey every few weeks to maintain normal contact with her. It can be easily done and if you reassure it that it will, whilst also making clear that the decision is made and final it doesn't leave her much room to argue. Good luck and hope your move goes well

I would never have moved away from my parents, especially not so far. Partly because I would miss them but mainly because I wanted to be around to support them.

If there are others who can care for MiL then maybe you are not being U.

I think she's being selfish. My brother lives in California and you don't hear my mum moaning about it and laying on the guilts to make him come home!
She's been fortunate to have her family close by all these years. You have every right to live your own life - you can't make every decision on the basis that she might need support later on.

@Roselilly36

Thank you so much for responding.

Our decision to move also has a financial element to it, therefore we can’t downsize locally.

MIL has been actively involved with all the grandchildren.

Generally we see MIL, at least every month sometimes more.

I don’t have any parents and only a few family remaining who don’t live locally.

DH’ thinks we should move due to my disability & the lack of opportunities for DS’ in our small town.

What happens if your DS moves to another town / city, will you follow or will you end up being alone 3 hours from everyone you know? With your progressive disability having established networks is the most important thing

How old is your ds.

If hes an adult now,hes going to be moving out soon.

Are you moving just for him to keep him on the reins.
Or are you moving for yourself also.

Having just lost a grandparent to terminal illness honestly I found it really hard being 3hrs away, and i didnt even need to do any care for them/go to hospital appts, I just wish id been able to pop in for a cup of tea after work.

I think shes probably scared about whats going to happen as she gets older. 3hrs is a long way, I dont think you should kid yourself that shes going to be able to visit you for very long. I also dont think you should move for adult children, if they want better opportunities they will move to the city

If it financially makes sense, and you need to find a bungalow then its your choice, and you dont have to take MILs feelings into account. But I think you need to move with full knowledge that it is going to be much harder to see MIL and what that might mean if she gets ill/more frail etc.

I do also think its fair enough for an elderly woman to be upset that her son is moving 3 hrs away, it will mean she will see him much less, wont have him to support her if she needs care etc.

Also my Uncle moved to Spain, much further than 3 hr drive of course and whilst my grandmother never ever complained she was obviously very upset, and still is very upset and misses her son. She hasnt been able to visit him for 10yrs or so now, and i dont think he realised that he wasnt going to have his parents flying out for christmas each year. A bit of a sad situation for everyone

You need to do what’s best for you and your family. If you only see her monthly now there’s no reason why that can’t continue

I hate it when people say those who are expressing there emotions are being manipulative. Shes upset. Shes every right to say so, you're not children, its not her job to make you happy! And likewise its not your job to make her happy. But what did you expect? That she would play along nicely and tell you it was all fine? It seems that for her it is not fine. Obviously she doesn't get to choose what you do with your lives, but you don't get to decide she should be happy about it.

How old are your children? Is it a straightforward journey? If you only see her once a month at the moment, I sure you could still see her every 6/8 weeks, especially if you are close and get on. I understand why she is upset but you need to do what is right for your family. You mentioned in your OP that she will still have family locally.

i'm guessing she manages to make everything revolve around her?

I think you made a smart decision to move 3 hours away.....