Partner leaving in a few hours need a handhold or a kick up the backside?

[Icepinkeskimo]

My dp is leaving me in a few hours, after a massive argument on Sunday. I finally saw the light, and found the courage to tell him to pack his bags and leave by Friday.

So why is it I go from being heartbroken to angry, to feeling like I'm having a breakdown.

I really tried to make this relationship work, but realised he's a compulsive liar, a narcissistic and cruel man, and I have a feeling a cheater, truth will out at some point I'm sure. On paper many would say 'icepink you've had a lucky escape'

I feel so down, I went from being confident, loving life, and happy to feeling like worthless and a non identity.

Im scared, scared of being lonely, scared that I will never get back to the person I once was. Terrified that I can't trust myself and I will view the relationship through rose tinted glasses and if he contacted me in the future I would take him back.

My relationship history is a catastrophe, and I know I am to trusting and gullible. All I ever seem to get is the abusers, the bullies, the moochers, and always end up feeling like it's my fault for falling for them.

I need to get through the next few hours with some dignity, and to try and get back to 'me' again but never repeat the same mistakes. I don't know how to though.

I have already blocked him on my phone, as a precaution, please I need the strength to keep him blocked. I have spent hours these last few days sobbing in the bathroom, I've really let myself down once again.

[DistinguishedCarrot]

I didn't want to read and run OP.

You're amazing! To have had the guts to tell him to leave and follow through with it means you're a much stronger person than you give yourself credit for. Use this post as a diary - save a link to it on your phone, in his contact details if you can, to act as a reminder if you should ever be tempted to call him. In fact, save your foot photo as his contact picture!

You WILL be OK... take each day as it comes. Enjoy the peace and the lack of fear about being in your own home on a Friday night. Eat a meal that you love but you know he hates. Watch a programme you know he'd hate. Pick a break up song and play it LOUD and DANCE!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life!

[SandyY2K]

He did that to your foot?

You're well rid of him. Nobody should have to live with that abuse and walking on eggshells as it seems you have been doing.

[Yeahnahmum]

Print that photo off. Put it on your fridge. As a reminder of what he did to you.

And look forward to a feature of whatever you want. Being allone doesnt mean being lonely op. And being allone and happy is 2000% better then being together and feeling miserable.

You made an amazing descision. You deserve applause. And cake. And a life of happiness.

[Bunnymumy]

Change the locks so he doesn't come back!

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

Definitely worth changing the locks.

Are all the bills, bank accounts, loans in your name, nothing joint that he could abuse?

[SarahBellam]

Congratulations! Go and get yourself a bottle of champagne and a pizza. You’re rid of an awful human being.

[tootiredtospeak]

Tonight will be amazing get yourself a treat have a bath and relax no more treading on eggshells. Feeling safe when you put your head on the pillow is priceless. 1st day of the rest of your life starts tommorow.

[Buffett]

He will contact you again from other numbers - stay strong and do not even entertain any more nonsense from him. Print that picture of your foot and stick it on the fridge - that's your reminder.

He never appreciated your presence, now kindly give him the present of your absence forever. They never change - they will just love bomb another naïve woman

[TimelyManor]

How are you doing now, Icepink? You have absolutely done the right thing. You will become yourself again.

Have you got anyone in RL you can call on for support? Have you contacted Women's Aid? They were such a help to me and that was after the relationship was over.

If you find yourself wanting to contact him, wait for half an hour. If you still want to after half an hour ask on here - we'll soon change your mind!

Concentrate on being kind to yourself and cuddling those kittens. Keep talking, it's a hard time, even though it's for the best

[bakedoff]

Put that photo on the fridge door and look at it everytime you’re tempted to let him come back

[Treacletoots]

Well done OP. I felt like a ten tonne weight had been lifted when my exH finally left after id been asking him to for over a week.

Welcome to the rest of your life, enjoy this time being single, don't think of it as negative, but rather a time to be as selfishly indulgent as you want.

Write yourself a shopping list for a new partner, and stick it on your fridge. Don't compromise on it, I always found when I did, it didn't end well. Read up on how to spot red flags in new partners, go and join a new hobby or just do nothing :)

Welcome to the rest of your life, and it's looking great.

[Icepinkeskimo]

Thank you for your great advice, I really appreciate what everyone has wrote. It's a dirty secret when your relationship turns into one of abuse. I think I became numb to it in the end, then on Sunday I suddenly had a spark in me and knew come hell or high water he had to go. I grasped onto it and followed it through this time. Before I'd backed down to his bullying his stories of woe is me I have nowhere to go.

I feel exhausted I mean really bone tired, I took the day of work ran the vacuum around and washed the sofa covers to get rid of that 'man smell' that lingered. My sister sent me some flowers, that made me emotional, she's been my rock this week. I just wished we lived nearer, perhaps we will in time as I have no ties to the area I live in.

There's a problem he's left a bag of tools behind, now I'm worried. You start thinking is that deliberate on his part? He's going to notice at some point as he needs them for work. I'm praying he might think he's lost them, I can't see it somehow. I don't have his new address I don't want to know where he is.

Any suggestions?

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Wow can't believe he just left like that! Result! Usually they make much more of a fuss. You must have done it relatively quickly.

He's an abuser. You know that. So really there's nothing more to say or do

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Ok tools are easy. The box can be put inside a bin bag which can be sealed. You send him a message saying 'you left your tools behind. I'm going to put them in x place in a bin bag at x time exactly tomorrow' then block him again. As long as the place is relatively safe ie your front garden there's no problem.

Or you drop them off tomorrow morning somewhere trusted I'd s eejativd then you send him a text to tell him. Then block again.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

If you're really worried and have a front porch or safe place at front put them out shortly in the bag (so they don't get wet) then text him.

[Techway]

Do you have a garage? Or has he got a friend/relative who will store it for you and text him to where it is.

Definitely keep details of all of his abuse, maybe on your phone and a journal so when you miss him you can look back at the reality.

I cried buckets when Ex left because a narcissist relationship causes greater trauma than a "normal" relationship. He will have used so many techniques to control you, such as bullying, manipulation, physical abuse, gaslighting.

I felt I would never be me again and actually that is true, I am not who I was when we met, my naivety and belief in people has gone. I am much more alert to abusive people and that's not a bad thing.

I have had to recover emotionally, physically and financially since he left and that has taken a while, many years infact but life is genuinely good now.

I had to look at what red flags I missed and recognise that my desire to have the soulmate dream clouded my judgement. He was however also highly manipulative.

At times I doubted myself because abusive relationships don't bring out the best in a person and at times I had reacted poorly to his abuse but I recognise that and forgive myself.

To recover get out in nature, sit in a quiet spot and sob. Listen to break up songs loudly and move your body as it releases tension. Try to think of one thing you want to achieve.... this took me a long time as I had neglected my needs so prioritising myself didn't come easy. This has got much better and I now have lots of plans.

Also know that you didn't cause his behaviour, he is emotionally unhealthy so will treat his next partner like he has you.

Block him on everything and go completely non contact as he may try to hoover you back.

Always remember you deserved better and today is the say that you start loving yourself

[Techway]

*day

[MJMG2015]

Hi
I 'lost' you over the weekend - sorry!
How did you get on with his tools?

How was your first weekend of freedom?!

That much anger and hurt over forgetting orange juice?!

I assume the parking ticket is attached to your Veh Reg ? If it is I'd just pay it rather than drag him into my life, but check it's enforceable first, if it's not, don't pay it!

[Icepinkeskimo]

Apologies for the radio silence, and silence has been the theme this week. No bitchy comments, no threats, no walking on eggshells. I haven't heard anything from him, not a word. The tools are sitting in the bag, I haven't done anything about them, which leads me to think he probably hasn't been to work because he would definitely need them. That's not my problem though, I may even sell them to get the 165 quid parking fine money back.
I think I read that you feel like your still in a prison in your mind after an abusive relationship, and actually I do, and I don't want to feel like this. I want this feeling to end, kick it to the curb and stamp on it. I also have had these spates of literal hatred and rage for him. Then an hour later a crying session. I have to pull myself together but feel tired most of the time.

Before he left I started this diet with my sister and to be honest the old me would have fallen of the wagon and absolutely wallowed in a big tub of ice cream and a massive plate of cheese and crackers with all the trimmings. I haven't thought! I'm on a mission and thinking that I'm seeing this through till I reach the end goal.

I went and got my hair done today normally I would have gone home only to be belittled with sly comments like 'how much did that cost?' 'What a waste of money' 'it's horrible' is end up feeling crushed. It's just one of many of the little chipping comments that are made to push you down and you don't even realise it.

So although it's been a quiet week, it's still turbulent. Some mornings I've woke up feeling ok, and others just as flat as a pancake. There's no quick fix is there? I feel lonely really lonely, but I'd rather have this than the dread that Friday nights used to bring.

Thanks for reading, it will get better in time I'm sure.