How do you become secure in yourself/your relationship?

[SunshineOverStress]

Anyone who met me would think I’m a very confident outgoing secure person, however as soon as I fall in love I drive myself crazy with my insecurities. My new boyfriend is wonderful and seems very trustworthy and is nothing but good to me, yet In my head I’m worrying about how I compare to other women, if he prefers other people etc.

I have good friends and family, I keep busy, have interests etc, I can’t afford therapy at the moment but is that the only way to stop these insecurities? Has anyone tackled this by themselves?
I don’t want to end up voicing my insecurities and driving him away. I know confidence is sexy and attractive!

@SunshineOverStress, how long have you been in this new relationship? It sounds like early days and as trust grows and you really feel you can trust him, I believe your insecurities will lesson? I think you have to dig deep, trust yourself and become content in yourself.

Until you understand or acknowledge the root of these insecurities, you'll never get beyond them. Why would your boyfriend be with you if he prefers other people? Seems rather silly, doesn't it?

Hey
I used to feel quite insecure about myself and still do albeit to a lesser degree. The thing with my insecurity was I saw it playing out in my relationships. I would hold back and pull away through fear of someone hurting me.
The way I’m tackling this is to be on my own until I learn to love and accept myself (it’s been two years since I last had a relationship and I think it’ll Still be a while before I’m ready).
But everyone is different. Have you looked in to any self help books on self acceptance or maybe tried to think about events in your past or childhood that may have caused your insecurity to make more sense of it? Self reflection (and lots of it) can provide all the answers you need most of the time.
Good luck

I'm very like this and I know it stems from a difficult childhood. For me, therapy has made a huge difference (systemic therapy on my own). In the absence of that, I would recommend looking at:
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) if which a good introduction is the book The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris
Self compassion - Kristin neff does good talks on this, check out YouTube
Mindfulness - learn to tolerate and sit with the anxiety when it comes, and learn that it passes

I have also shared some of my insecurities with my new partner and he has responded with empathy and compassion, which has massively helped. It's hard and can be exhausting though, I feel your angst

The thing is I don’t think you can really try to make a new relationship work whilst you are battling with all of these emotions. It’s going to be challenging to work on yourself and all of your deep issues and also build a healthy relationship at the same time, especially if you don’t get counselling - he can’t become your counsellor and hoping it will go away on its own never actually works in real life - you are depending on the person you are worth to never ever let you down or trigger these emotions and that is a huge burden to place on someone

*Person you are with

Hello, I so relate to this. Just had a great day : night with boyfriend of 3 months and we have another date on Monday. But in my mind I see him coming to his senses and telling me it's over.
X husband had an affair with my BF - complete shock. Don't ever want to feel that bad again thus in my head prepare for the worse outcome. Think I need more counselling. Will keep reading this thread - sure to get help / advice ... odd that we both have the sun in our user names - let's try and get through this!

Its anxious attachment - brain wiring from childhood
I found this article useful
www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-freedom-change/201503/overcoming-relationship-anxiety-and-feeling-good-about-it%3famp
Also the book "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is really good on this stuff and how you can change it

@QuentinWinters - just read the article, that is me! My mum hot and cold when growing up ... plus me hijacking ... me being super empathetic and more.

Thank you - think I will read again. I will not message my BF who has done nothing wrong and go out on my bike.....

I was also going to suggest reading about attachment types... I am very similar to you! LOTS of therapy and acceptance has helped somewhat in making my relationships much easier from my side. I mean the blokes always piss off but I am happy in the knowledge that it is no longer because I am disaster 😂

You have to get to the point where you're OK. I'm a good person, I know who I am, I'm OK. I'll be OK if you leave, it doesn't reflect on me at all. At the moment, your feelings of self worth are tied up in how someone else treats you.

Intimate relationships trigger childhood fears and emotions. They are very different to friendships, which is why you're different in intimate relationships.

You need to start working on yourself. Daily positive affirmations to rewire your brain, mindful meditation, yoga or Qigong which helps you reconnect with your body. It takes work but you gradually start to value yourself and realise that, you're OK and the way he chooses to treat you, is not any kind of reflection on you being good enough. It's about learning your self worth.

I changed when I had children. Keep busy make sure you are seeing Yr friends and invest in other things.