Ok, you have to help me here - Online Dating!

[Yukkalye]

I can't do it!

I'm currently on Elite and OkCupid but have probably tried most of them over the last year.

I just can't see anyone at all I'm remotely interested in. I've had quite a few likes but I'm not feeling it. On the few instances where the match has been mutual, conversation seems to fizzle out or go nowhere or they're obviously not that bothered!

I'm beginning to despair. I was widowed four years ago, began a relationship a year after dh died, and that relationship has now ended also. I feel like I'm still grieving for dh, and still not over the subsequent relationship. But I need to be over them. I have to move on. Please help me!

Can you share which sites you've tried just in case I've overlooked one! I will add here that I really didn't like Bumble at all so don't want to go there again!

Thank you :)

I have a thread in chat asking for tips to find American men! Am I likely to hit paydirt on any particular sites?!

Perhaps you're not ready to date. You shouldn't have to force yourself to be over a relationship and especially not the death of your husband. Maybe spend some time alone and figure out what you want moving forward. I'm purposely staying single for a while so I can work out what kind of partner I really want and what I won't accept. And I'm working hard on recognising red flags

I think you should seek counselling for your grief and relationship breakdown before you find someone new. In my experience your upset and experiences will resurface and scupper any new relationship unless you come to terms with them. No rush to couple up.Take care of you first

Thank you both for your lovely replies.

I've had a fair bit of bereavement counselling but stopped about two years ago. I just feel stuck in my life, and that the best way now for me to get over my past is to find a future. Not sure if that makes sense. Perhaps dating is the wrong way to approach the situation.

I read your American men post and enjoyed the thread, you come across as lovely.
I am sorry for your loss, but I agree perhaps you ought to leave old until you feel more ready for a relationship.
I have the same problem in that I never find anyone I am slightly attracted to. The ones that are slightly more appealing either live on the other side of the country or never wink at me, I have had hundreds of likes but since I am never a paid up member these days that leads to nowhere.
As for matching I think it is a waste of time as I have matched with a lot of potato looking men....I stole that description off another poster.
I am not bad looking at all, slim and in pretty good shape for my age I daresay.
I have been doing old forever, tired of all the same banal questions, I feel like ripping my hair out.
I must admit I have never been proactive in my search, yes it is a numbers game in many respects but the goods have to be out there in the first place.
I am quite content most of the time on my own, divorced nearly 10 years. Happy with my own space but it would be nice to have someone special in my life from time to time.
Old gets harder the older you get and I am really getting to the stage where I am accepting it will never happen for me. Really that thought seems okay these days.

Thank you crimson both for your kind words about my American man thread, and for your message here.

I'm sorry you're struggling with OLD too. It seems so easy for some people doesn't it?! I'm probably not ready to get married again (don't think I ever want to actually), but I think I'm ready for a relationship. I'm not exactly young, my dc are grown, my friends are all happily partnered. I just need something to counteract the growing boredom.

I have a lovely friend who sounds a lot like you. She's clever, interesting, beautiful and whereas she does at least have a lot of dates, (an awful lot actually - I don't know how a) she finds people she's interested enough in to date, and b) how she manages to get as far as a date) she is now saying similar to you. That is - that she's coming to terms with the fact she'll always be single and is ok with that.

I'm not quite ready to accept that yet. I may not be young but I feel young, and I feel I have a lot to give.

Anyway - enough rambling! Good luck whichever way things play out for you :)

I'm on OKCupid too and becoming increasingly peed off about the fact it ignores my preferences.

As I'm a co-parenting dad, I've put a preference for women with children (I figure, both being in the same boat, they'll appreciate rather than resent the amount of attention and flexibility parenting kids requires), within a fifty mile radius as a LDR isn't feasible. And yet I'm constantly offered childless woman after childless woman living in a city 60 miles away. These are "recommendations" and "best matches" FFS

Sorry, but I can't accept that there aren't any single mothers living within a 50 mile radius of where I live. I don't live in the Highlands of Scotland - its an area that includes several large county towns.

As for other dating apps -

Hinge: as above, only worse. It showed me Love Island lookalike after Love Island lookalike and there was nothing I could do about this. I'm sure there are normal people on there - people I would actually find sexier (yes, unbelieveable, I know!) than the trout-pout parade - but I'm damned if I could find a way for Hinge to actually offer me the chance to "like" them. Reading online, this appears to be a common complaint.

PoF: the fact you can filter yourself rather than rely on an algorithm that doesn't work is a definite plus, but got put off when my account got hacked - literally logged on to find I was suddenly an engineer from Michegan who was spamming about 30-40 women. Had to delete my account out of embarressment and don't dare risk it again...

LoveArts: actually a decent experience and a welcome pool of seemingly normal, thoughtful people, the only quibble being they were overwhelmingly around ten years old than myself with kids who'd already flown the nest. Made a note to return if I'm still single once the kids have gone to Uni. (Actually... one pet hate: a lot of people on there looking for someone into sport. Not arts. Which, kind of defeats the purpose. FFS go and join LoveSports or somesuch instead of cluttering up my search results).

*TossACoin" that sounds very frustrating. I'm with you on the distance thing on UKCupid, it's really annoying. I did find Bumble even worse for that though. A couple of times got men living in France and Spain - I live in SE of U.K! OkCupid do the opposite to me re children - I'm way too old to have any more but often get matched with men who definitely want them!

The hacking of your PoF account is worrying. Did you report it at all? That's one site I've not tried yet. I've not heard of LoveArts, I'm prob at least ten years older than you so I'll have a look.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

just need something to counteract the growing boredom

Find something to occupy you, like interests or hobbies, rather than someone. I am single and really can't understand need for a relationship, do you work, have children? I just wonder if you need to spend time alone and feel happy being single then you will feel less desperate when OLD isn't offering you suitable partners.

This is my approach, genuinely happy being single, which took an adjustment but now I date IF the men are worth my time. I don't feel disappointed if there isn't a good pool of potentials because I have a good life anyway with lots of variety and friends.
Good men that you are attracted to will be difficult to find so you have to look at this longterm. If not you risk compromising just to have a partner..also remember whilst you are partnered up with "not Mr Right" your Mr Right could be looking so don't rush it.

Also the algorithms don't really work as otherwise the pool of genuine matches would be low and that would not encourage daters to keep looking. Its a business and they need to keep you hooked by giving you profiles so you can swipe.

Thanks Tech for your reply. Yes I do work. I have dc too, but they're grown with lives of their own. I have lovely friends also but most of them are partnered up. I'm very lucky in that I can usually find one of my friends to do something of a weekend. But I don't know, I just want more! I hope that doesn't make me sound very greedy.

I had a long happy marriage followed by a pretty disastrous relationship. I've learnt from both of those experiences and I now know what I want - and what I don't want. So I won't settle, and I'm not desperate but I do want some sort of relationship.

Yukkalye, that made me smile...I do not know how your friend finds anyone interesting / appealing enough to date or how she gets that far :)
Could it be that she is not as fussy as you or I? Find out her secret and let me know.
I am not exactly young either and my children have flown the nest, a bit of male company would be nice now and again.
Today I have been messaged by a few men and when I have seen their profile pictures I have thought to myself...really? I am now at the stage I just delete before reading the messages.
A lot of the same faces appear on the free sites as well as the paid so not much difference there really.
I have a feeling that you will find what you are looking for.

crimson next time I see her I'm going to pin her down and get her to outline her technique in great detail! She's actually the opposite of fussy - she's very discerning, won't put up with any shit, knows exactly what she wants. Which makes it even more surprising to me that she finds so many people to date! I will report back :).

I know what you mean about seeing profile pictures and thinking really? I had a man called Susan like me the other day. I accidentally swiped right - and the kicker is that even Susan hasn't bothered to message me! Not that I want him to but still!

Thank you for your optimism - currently not sharing it but we'll see! Good luck to you too x