Girl squad...or lack of....

[Jealouspop22]

I admit it, I'm jealous of close female friendship groups.

I'm nearly 40 and WAY too old to be still having this internal conflict.

While walking with family today, I bumped into a group of 4 of my friends on their way out for dinner and drinks. I'm not part of their regular 'foursome', although one of my very good friends is - so I wouldn't expect an invite, and they have known each other a lot longer than me. However, when I see them I instantly get that sinking feeling in my tummy, I assume this is jealousy or feeling a bit sad. I wanted to be out with a few friends for drinks, I wanted to be included.

I have a few really good friends, and lots of mum friends, so I'm not lonely, but I'm not part of a 'tight' girl group. Not one that I know will instantly include me in plans and I can share a laugh and a giggle with. With moving schools/locations when I was younger, I've never had one. So I guess I'm thinking...

Are they as good as they look?
How do I move past this and realise that what I have is enough? More than enough, amazing - great friends and healthy family.
Why am I acting like adolescent tw%t?

Help appreciated.

I've never been in a "girl squad" and never wanted to be. It sounds dreadful to me, honestly.

I think we all feel like this . This type of feeling isn't something you grow out of . Just make sure you nurture the good relationships with friends and family that you do have . That means put the effort in put the work in sometimes xx Don't feel ashamed it's just human nature xx

I have a group of brilliant girlfriends who I have known since school and love to bits; they are almost like family and very important to me. It is great, but we have all made a real effort over the years to stay close through uni, moving away, different relationships/ marriages/ children/ busy jobs/ divorces and not let life cause us to drift apart

@aquamarine1029 - I WANT to feel like this. I like being inclusive, and wonder if I was in one then I would just be making other people feel like I do.

@pangolina

@Soozikinzii agree, and I do. Sometimes I feel like it's always me doing the graft, but it's worth the effort.

@pangolina - now I'm jealous of you

In my opinion (in some of these groups, I am also in one) some of the women do not get on behind each other’s backs but are so nice face to face. It ebbs and flows whether there is harmony in the group or not... not all it’s cracked up to be

@Mintlegs thank you that's very honest and I appreciate it. I think I know you are right and I am over romanticising it!

My group of women friends met through feminist campaigning & we’ve been close for a few years now. It’s not something I ever really expected to happen, if that helps, it just kind of did! Feminism was the initial hook but we just clicked, and it’s been a lifeline on occasion.

Girl squad sounds a bit cringey though.

What a stupid expression, you aren't Taylor Swift.

I know exactly what you mean and feel the same way, not about groups but with individual friends. I don’t have one I could call a best friend and it gets me down despite definitely not being a teenager anymore!
If it’s any help, all the groups I’ve know have been full of internal conflict and issues.
I don’t have any advice, but I hope you’re ok

are you me? I am super shy and have never had the group of best friends. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends, but I very rarely get asked to meet for coffee etc. Would love to have the kindof friendship group that just pops round and chills out. I would love to feel needed (?) by a group of pals, but we’re all just living our lives quietly.

I think you crave that intimacy and probably a social seal of approval. I think it's actually better, and far stronger to have individual female friends who don't know each other. When people form friendship groups, it can be really fun, but it can also get really ugly with a lot of politics involve. If two fall out, the rest of the group might cause upset by not siding with a particular person. If you feel like you need to vent about someone else's behaviour, you have to trust them not to tell anyone, and quite often people aren't all that trustworthy with other people's feelings & secrets. In that case they can end up being a gossip circles.

I really miss this. My friends are scattered all over the South East and with children, family commitments and working from home now instead of having London as our hub, we don't meet up so much. We WhatsApp lots on our group chat but it's not the same. I don't have any local friends, despite having moved to the 'burbs 2 years ago, I've never spent that much time here!

@Krampusasbabysitter wow that's the female solidarity, support and empathy I've been craving. There was a supposed to be a sense of irony there, to emphasise the juvenile nature of my dilemma.

@EmpressJKRowlingSpartacus, @BluFox, @doodlejump1980 and @Wondersense thank you so much, really useful perspectives and reassuring to know I'm not alone in my insecurities. I guess in or out of a friendship group - belonging needs to come from within.

@Cam2020 yes it's so hard being 'new' in an area, it takes so long to build friendships beyond a superficial level. 5 years on, I have the good friends, even if its not the close knit group I might like. X

Some friendship groups can be a bit stifling. You are friends because of the history/connection but life circumstances change and maybe have less in common now or its convenient. Secondly in reality, we don't meet up all that often. Thirdly, it may just be me, is going out for drinks on a night out where it is at? Ocassionally, but there is more interesting stuff to do.

Lastly it is never too late to make more friends- take up a new hobby, set up a wine & book club, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Why are you judging this as something you should have grown out of? It still upsets you so be kind to yourself about it. I don't have this either, and I have tried but always end up either feeling controlled or like the outsider so I just don't think it's for me. Meh. I have always been like this, I had a very tight knit group when I was young which was fraught with drama and angst so maybe that put me off early on! I wish I had better friendships though, I miss laughing with other people, that's what I lack.

If there are any women that you would like to be closer to then phone them, arrange to see each other, be open about your life, the good and the bad with them. That is how you form closer bonds. But it has to be because you really want to be close friends with that particular person.

Thank you. I think you are all right! I. I need to look at the bigger picture, 2. Admit that it's okay to feel a bit jealous and 3. Work hard to build bonds, be it with my exsisiting friends or by getting a new 'tribe' through a hobby etc.

The thing that coming on here has taught me is that women are actually very open and supportive, especially when you need advice - and that's the important thing. Thank you! X