Does it matter?

[BakedCamembertForTea]

Does it matter if the person you're in a relationship with doesn't think you're physically attractive?

I can’t imagine how that’s meant to work in a romantic relationship. I wouldn’t want to go anywhere near someone physically if I didn’t find them attractive.

Is thinking someone is attractive and finding them attractive at times different?

Why is the person your with said this to you? If so it would be very hurtful.

Attraction is important for me and I would want to feel attractive too.

Yes, it matters, though mental attractiveness is as heady and you don't see the physical side as in beauty but the mental side makes you physically attracted?

I've always found them physically attractive after I've become attracted to their personalities (even when I didn't think they were particularly attractive when first meeting).

I occasionally get told that I look cute when I wear something specific or sexy when I sit in a particular way or whatever (probably have two or three examples of each) but nothing else.

I just wondered if too much importance is put on a partner thinking you're attractive generally?

I haven't had many boyfriends and I've had previous boyfriends who haven't thought I was attractive either and some have either made it really obvious or told me outright. I've always broken up with them because I wanted to be with someone who finds me/thinks I'm attractive but I'm wondering if I'm just holding out for something that's never going to happen and whether it's worth it.

Sakurami I'm the same but I wonder if it's different for men?

I think he's mentally attracted to me but not really physically.

So, has he told you "I don't find you attractive" or are you basing this assumption on the fact that he doesn't tell you very often that he does

not quite sure what your getting at really. beauty is in the eye of the beholder but it's more important the lust spark is there otherwise what's the point of being together in the first place? you may as well be flat mates. i'd go so far as to say you're being taken for a mug and to get out of there if he's telling you you're not physically attractive

He hasn't told me directly that he doesn't think I'm attractive. But I feel it's implied.

I wore something a few weeks ago and he said "I like your X. Women look really sexy in X." And then the next time I wore it he said "it looks cute when you wear that."

Only 'women look sexy/cute when...' or 'it looks sexy/cute when...' and not in relation to me directly.

He's made one other comment about something being cute. And a couple of comments about it looking/being sexy when I sat a certain way. It's like he's making objective statements about women in general rather than subjective ones about me.

So, has he told you "I don't find you attractive" or are you basing this assumption on the fact that he doesn't tell you very often that he does

He's not told me that he does at all.

Do you feel like he finds you attractive but is just bad at compliments and making you ‘feel’ attractive? Maybe it’s just a case of telling him that you need it said out loud sometimes.

I dont necessarily find anything up with the statements you mentioned that he says above.

It would only be an issue if he was saying these things did not suit you. Or if he keeps talking about how onther women look and makes you feel like you don't measure up. In which case he is trying to make you feel insecure, deliberately.

But things you've mentioned...I would just have taken as compliments.

I really think that you are overthinking this plus you are putting too much weight on whether you are "attractive" to someone by your outward appearance. That changes, weight, pregnancy, age, health, greying, balding. You need someone that loves you as a character, the whole. He doesn't seem to have implied at that you doesn't like your looks. I presume you have enthusiastic sex. Worry about other things in your relationship rather than pondering his phraseology.

Your brain must be exhausted.

I too think you're overthinking it.

Noone would be in a relationship with someone they weren't physically attracted to as well as mentally attracted to. It just wouldn't work. As the years go by that initial lust may wear off but you're still attracted to them, or at least that has been my experience. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder too, so just because a previous man (boy!) said that, it doesn't mean that noone will find you attractive. I camt see anything wrong in what he has said either, try not to give yourself (or him) such a hard time over it

Lol, so dated someone who I knew was not attractive when I first met them, he was friendzoned, but attraction grew from friendship and personality. However, once aspects of his personality became a problem, there was nothing else to keep it going. Next was Mr gorgeous, but uneducated, seemed nice enough, but then it became just about the looks- which equally was not enough to overcome personality issues. So either way, attractive or not, if they can't treat me with the required respect, or have some MH issue/ personality issue coming between, then it's still a no go.

Why don't you think he fancies you?

Is he uninterested in sex with you, (or needs it to be in the dark, puts a bag over your head)?

Is he not physically affectionate? No kisses, casual touches, hugs, cuddles?

Is he distant emotionally? Ignoring you, not really engaging/listening, seemingly bored or cold towards you?

Ok. Thank you for the replies.

I've given this a great deal of thought over the past couple of days and reflected on the responses to try and work out exactly what it is that is making me feel this way.

He's a good looking man and dresses well. Quite old fashioned in way - quite 'gentleman'ly. Always wears a smart jacket and a hat sort of thing. In that sense, he's not my usual type, but I find it quite endearing (not sure that's the response he'd be going for mind!) He likes the glamorous masculine/feminine aesthetics of the 1950s. He's in good shape for his age and was very handsome in his youth! I feel very proud to be seen with him. But I'm not sure he'd say the same.

On the other hand, I think that I am averagely attractive - I can look nice but I have a slightly 'hippyish' appearance and so I generally fall well behind him in the stakes of style and elegance unless I make a particular effort and, even then, I still don't come close! I'm a 12/14, erring more towards 12 but I'm 'soft' and rounded with curves in all the right places - not a slim 12. My body is definitely that of someone my age and who has carried, delivered and fed 2 children! I don't dislike it - I'm not body conscious and I quite like my softness, if I'm honest.

My experience is that men view me quite differently and, over the past couple of years, I've become far more aware and self conscious about the few lines I have appearing on my face and my lack of a 'sexy' body. This is largely because my weight (I'm currently at my heaviest) has been commented on, as has my age, as have my looks by men I've dated or entered into relationships with.

He doesn't criticise me but I know he appreciates it when I have made an effort because he clearly finds me more attractive then.

My biggest niggling fear is that he is embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I have experienced this before.

He's not very tactile generally but I'm constantly aware of how close he stands to me, how closely he walks beside me, whether he appears to be 'with' me or just sitting/standing next to me.

What I really want to ask him is if he is proud to be seen with me when we are out or if there is a little bit of him that is embarrassed. He's generally quite honest and a terrible liar so, even if he tried to cover it, I'd know. Because, at the moment, I don't feel that he thinks I'm attractive and that he is with me 'in spite' of what I look like.

That's not me putting too much value on appearances, just that I don't want to be with someone who is embarrassed to be seen with me.