Sleeping in different rooms from partner - is this a death knell for a relationship?

[Lavenderwisteria]

I struggle hugely sharing a bed with my partner. It isn’t an exaggeration to say I barely get three hours sleep when I do. Part of this is him snoring but it is only partly. I toss and turn a lot. When we share a bed I feel I can’t do this as it disturbs him, so I feel I have to lie really still. But I think it’s an emotional thing. To sleep I have to slowly drift off and I just can’t seem to do that when he’s there!

So is this a real problem, or can we still have a perfectly normal and loving relationship in different rooms?

I’m even worse a sleeper in a strange bed. When we go on holiday we book Airbnbs with two rooms.

I hate staying at the in laws’ where we have to share a measly double. I never sleep.

My mum and dad have slept apart for years. They absolutely dote on each other. I don't live with my partner but I struggle when he stays over so when we move in together it will define be separate rooms.
If we ever go away we always book twin rooms. We have a really romantic foreplay routine if we decide we want a bit more intimacy 'you getting in ?'

*definitely

Separate duvets make sharing the bed easier. But there’s no shame in separate beds.

We've just started using separate beds! I was worried about this too OP but we are both much preferring it now!

DH gets up at 5am for work and I, like you, am also pregnant so getting up to wee a gazillion times a night. He also snores which drives me mad at times.

So far it's working for us and we have both said we are getting much better sleep. We still watch TV together and cuddle in bed, we've just been watching Netflix in bed together and he's just left to go to sleep in his. It's not like we're separate all evening.

I'm not a cuddler when I'm sleeping though so I find it easy to sleep alone. In fact I hate any part of anyone touching me whilst I'm trying to sleep.

My dh and I have separate bedrooms, we both sleep better apart and we're very happy

Funnily, we argue more about who gets to have the dog in 'their' room that night because we both prefer cuddling him than each other 😂😂

Separate rooms here too. He snores. I talk in my sleep and thrash about. Separate beds are bliss

Separate rooms are the secret of a successful long term relationship. It doesn't mean you have to use them every night. The only (slight) disagreement is over who gets the dog on a cold night!

I do know a few couples who swear by having separate beds - it doesn't mean anything about your love if you just happen not to be able to physically stay together all night. You have a right to sleep, and it can't be helped if his sleep habits are compatible with you (and vice versa)

DH can snore really loudly and/or be restless so I am really enjoying having a spare room currently (no au pair) so I can just go there if he's having a bad night. It's got worse over the years, so I can see it becoming a more permanent thing one day.

No problem. You;'ll just wear the carpet out on the landing :) :)

The problem with ‘your partner should get a say’ is that he isn’t sleep deprived when we bed share and I am.

I understand but, if my husband just told me that from now on we’d be sleeping in separate rooms, I’d be crushed and upset that my feelings hadn’t been taken into account, or at least acknowledged first.

For me, it would be the start of the end of my marriage. Everyone is different - which is why I think it deserves a conversation at least.

I know what you mean about quilts. When i was on holiday in iceland we stayed in accomodation where you had x2 seperate single duvets on a double which was great for wrapping duvets around

We have slept in separate beds for most of the last three years. I had pregnancy insomnia (so I would move to spare room to avoid disturbing him), followed by a wakeful baby who I ended up cosleeping with, followed by pregnancy insomnia, and I now have another small baby who sleeps much better than the first but we find it easier for my husband to sleep in the spare room so that at least one of us has had a full night’s sleep (I am breastfeeding; my husband goes to our toddler if he wakes but this is rare these days). It is a temporary arrangement for us, and at a point in our lives where our relationship would probably suffer more if we weren’t flexible about sleeping arrangements. We do actually like sharing a bed, and under non-pregnancy or -baby circumstances sleep well together, so we look forward to that again. But for now we do what we need to do to maximise sleep, and our relationship is otherwise strong and close enough for that not to be a problem.

Try two separate quilts first. That makes all the difference.

God I hate sleeping in the same room as anyone! Two rooms is the way to go. It says nothing about the state of your relationship. Who would think that?

I spent 16 years with broken sleep because of snoring. Having to go to bed earlier to make sure I was asleep before they started snoring, sleeping in the spare room or sofa, wearing ear plugs. It is horrible. I now sleep like a log.

I can sleep with someone as long as they don't snore.

Didn't answer your question. I think sleeping separately and well is fine. Get together when you want to be intimate and everyone gets a good night sleep

I prefer separate, I always feel sort of safer tucked up by myself and find it easier to fall asleep. I don't sleep well anyway and he snores, as well as being 6ft5 and occasionally managing to knee me in the coccyx in his sleep which is a lovely way to wake up! I sleep in the spare room. He normally goes to bed later as well but if not we have a cuddle before I go next door and I'll go in to 'our' bed in the mornings for cuddles and coffee. We've never had sex before sleep really, always daytime or early evening so it doesn't affect that. I think he would like us to share a bed but ultimately I'm the one suffering whilst he gets a full night's kip regardless of what bed I'm in! Once you deal with the guilt it's absolute bliss

Funnily, we argue more about who gets to have the dog in 'their' room that night because we both prefer cuddling him than each other 😂😂

I’m single now but I agree with the above.

OP have you talked to DP about this? Have you had a proper discussion? If you’re pregnant and not sleeping, that’s going to really affect you and build resentment. Having a really good conversation about this will most likely build intimacy. I’m sure you can both feel loved AND get some sleep (in separate beds!).

DH and I have a quilt that’s cooler on my side and a bit warmer on his.

We both like the closeness of sharing a bed.

Lack of sleep is a far bigger issue. When I sleep next to my husband, I wake up grumpy and frustrated because he snores, fidgets, sighs, huffs and scratches himself. I am a light sleeper and I just get no sleep next to him.

We kiss and hold hands and stuff all throughout the evening, so I don't think our relationship is dying. I just can't sleep next to him at all.

DP and I have been together 12 years. He is an atrocious snorer, and stays up much later than me, so he used to nod off on the sofa when watching tv and come to bed in the early hours when he stirred, and I would remain asleep. It worked well for us even when young, and we were always morning people when it came to sex.

When I was pregnant I had crippling carpal tunnel and could barely sleep, so DP took to only coming to bed when he was sure I was finally asleep and would sometimes do a whole night on the sofa (it’s big and comfy). This continued throughout the newborn phase, and it’s only since our daughter went into her own room that he’s started coming to bed in the early hours again.

As parents, we have realised that no one is happy without adequate sleep and so will do whatever we have to in order to achieve that!