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Relationships

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Original poster

Deard bedroom - Ignore and have a kid?

21 replies

synonym911 · 20/08/2020 17:29

I have been married for 6 years and apart from the first year of marriage, my husband and I have had sex only 1 or twice a year. Yep, you read it right once a year. This and other issues in the marriage caused me a great deal of distress, lead to depression and I have seeked therapy around it so I could seek more clarity and understanding of what the issues are. In the recent past, there has been lot of changes for the better in part because of open communication and discussion. I just turned 35 and my husband is going to be 40 next year. He has always wanted children and I wanted to wait because I was not confident about the state of the relationship.

I did not date before marriage so do not have any other relationship experience. I am trying to be hopeful that we could work on all our issues that have lead to this state in our marriage with time and effort. However, I feel like my biological clock is also ticking and I cannot wait another 6 years to decide if we would like to have children. My husband says he wants to have kids before 40 which is just a year away. I do not want to let his desires rush me but it is at the back of my mind. There is much more to marriage than just physical intimacy and I feel that I should countinue to work on it. It's not all bad and every relationship has its hurdles I suppose?

However, I do fantasize about having a good passionate relationship (something I have never had) and keep thinking perhaps I should quit and hope to find more compatible relationship. Or sometimes just wanting to sleep with someone else ... Just to know how it feels. In my worst moments I just want to leave it all, be single and just sleep with at least 6-7 men so I know what its like. I regret not dating and being in a relationship which would have given me more understanding of myself and what I need from relationships. At the same time I am someone who did not date or have any intimate relationship in my teens and twenties so these thoughts are perhaps just that ...thoughts borne out of frustration at the circumstances. Also I am aware as a woman in mid 30's, there are not going to be as many men to jump into relationships with be it casual or otherwise.

Sould the worst occur, I imagine being in a dispassionate relationship for decades to come and it makes me sad.

So my question is ... Should I just continue to work on my marriage, hope for the best and have a kid?

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 20/08/2020 17:31

Is it one or both of you that doesn't want sex? Hard to have children without it

MrsSpenserGregson · 20/08/2020 17:31

Do not have a child with your husband.

Children don’t fix problems in relationships. They amplify them.

You owe it to your future child(ren) to do your best for them. Bringing them into an unhappy relationship isn’t doing your best for them.

ScrapThatThen · 20/08/2020 17:33

What's putting the brakes on desire for either of you? Figure out if it is solveable.

Original poster

synonym911 · 20/08/2020 17:37

We did not have sex as there were other issues in marriage --- lack of communication, circumstances around the marriage etc. I would never want to bring a child into an unhappy marriage. But the marriage is not all bad... We have absolute trust in each other and are good friends. I have no doubt in my mind should we have children that they will be loved by both parents and we will both do our best to give them all the opportunities and the best in life that we can. My concern is for myself.... If we do have children I will want to be in the marriage for them and if we do not overcome our lack of passion...I will just have to live with it

OP posts:

Original poster

synonym911 · 20/08/2020 17:38

@ScrapThatThen we did finally figure out what the issues are. It will take time to work on them ... Not sure how long that's going to take. And in the interim, should we go ahead and try for kids?

OP posts:

ZZGirl · 20/08/2020 17:40

There's your problem.

"are good friends"

There's a level of friendship in a marriage but you want a husband, not a friend. You're in the wrong relationship. You don't sound happy and neither does he. Being incompatible is nothing to be ashamed of and bringing a child into that is just wrong. It doesn't fix a relationship.

user1493413286 · 20/08/2020 17:41

I would say no but then I could not remain in a marriage without sex and physical intimacy.

ScrapThatThen · 20/08/2020 17:49

I think you will put yourself at risk of an affair in your forties or fifties and that will hurt you all.

hopeishere · 20/08/2020 17:50

Was it an arranged marriage? Did you have sex before you married?

minnieok · 20/08/2020 17:59

It depends on what the issues are, can't you fast track your deliberations? Most peoples relationships aren't perfect whatever you might think but there's red flags in what you write which makes me doubt you can stay in this marriage for the long haul. Sex isn't always the be all and end all for couples, as long as needs match!

GreenDays557 · 20/08/2020 18:08

There's a lot here to think about... How important are children to YOU? Because if you were to leave and have six or seven short and passionate relationships you might miss the window of fertility to have children, especially within a long term secure relationship?

Who initially stopped the sex in the relationship? I'm assuming it was never particularly passionate?

Why didn't you have relationships prior to meeting your husband?

The improvements since you have started working on your relationship, do they include your sex life?

Other than for reasons like having children, 35 is very young. You can turn your life around.

MrsSpenserGregson · 20/08/2020 18:08

[quote synonym911]@ScrapThatThen we did finally figure out what the issues are. It will take time to work on them ... Not sure how long that's going to take. And in the interim, should we go ahead and try for kids?[/quote]
No. Kids don't fix a marriage.

Teacher12345 · 20/08/2020 18:08

Sounds like you are friends not husband and wife and that is not what you want is it?

Blankblankblank · 20/08/2020 18:43

Should I just continue to work on my marriage, hope for the best and have a kid?

Nope. You are too young to settle for a cocoa and slippers relationship with your friend. Can you you really imagine the life you have now for the next decade, or Two decades, whilst you work on your marriage?

FifteenToes · 20/08/2020 21:26

I don't understand why, if you've worked out what the problems were leading to lack of sex, it's going to take so long to put solutions in place.

It's hard to make sense of this without knowing what exactly the problems and solutions are, but I think you probably need to do that, see what relationship you can make together and then ask the kids question. And discuss it openly with your DH, as in "are we both happy and fulfilled enough in this that we can have kids knowing we'll stay together to be a family?"

I must admit it all sounds a bit contrived though. People don't have sex because they've carefully worked out all the things stopping them having sex, sat down and made an action plan, had it ratified by the sex committee and then spent another five years earnestly negotiating how to put it into practice. They have sex because the other person walks into the room and they feel an urge to rip their clothes off. There are other thing that might get in the way of that, sure. But an urge that is frustrated by other things getting in the way is not the same thing as the lack of any urge in the first place. To be honest the way you describe your relationship sounds more like the latter.

Original poster

synonym911 · 20/08/2020 23:35

We didn't have sex before marriage. I never had sex before as I thought it was overrated and once I had it ...I understood what the fuss was all about I just started understanding what the reasons behind lack of sex are... As in we had this conversation 3 days ago. I had given up on the relationship and was almost mentally checking out. Having the conversation helped a lot. Perhaps I was hasty in asking this question. May be I should give it at least a few months and have more conversations and see how it pans out.

I have a relationship that has quite a lot going for it. We have gone through a lot of ups and downs and have built a life together that I appreciate and enjoy. I feel like i should try and work on it. I also feel like if I want to have a kid this is my only shot as I do not know when/ if I will find myself in a relationship. It will take time for me to form a new relationship and then to have a child ....I might lose that window of opportunity as I am 35. At the same time i do not want to be in a relationship that is without intimacy.

I guess I am trying to figure out my own sexual expectations. I wish I had a frame of reference in terms of past sexual experiences to understand where my current relationship stands once we do start being intimate. I read a lot of romance/ erotica books and am thinking perhaps I have unrealistic expectations of sex and sexual chemistry. I hope we get on track and are being intimate on regular basis

Thank you all for your comments... It has given me a lot to think about

OP posts:

BarbedBloom · 20/08/2020 23:58

I felt like you until I split with my ex and had a FWB situation with someone. I had never understood the fuss either and thought a lot of sex in books was exaggerated. It wasn't until i was having passionate sex with someone who desperately wanted me that I realised what I had missed. Not saying it is always as passionate or amazing, but i always felt desired. For me death of desire was the death of my self esteem.

Do not bring a child into this marriage. It will not end well.

Original poster

synonym911 · 21/08/2020 00:15

For me death of desire was the death of my self esteem

Ouch... This hit home. The lack of desire
did chip away at my self esteem, confidence and lead to severe depression and I put on 10 kgs in a year. I keep thinking I should end it and seek out other relationships but then I wonder if the other relationships will be able to offer me all things I have in current relationship ... And if I am throwing away a good relationship just for the lack of intimacy when there is a possibility that I would have nothing in its place. It just feels like a big gamble ...

OP posts:

PerveenMistry · 21/08/2020 00:41

Think of the child instead of yourselves. No human being should be born into this dismal situation. Can you not see that?

Sakurami · 21/08/2020 03:39

So who doesn't want sex and when you have sex do you enjoy it? What are the issues?

RaisinGhost · 21/08/2020 04:31

OK my view with probably be unpopular. I think you should go ahead and have a kid if you both want to be parents.

Your relationship isn't perfect but it's otherwise good and it's worked for you until now. Yes, maybe it would have been better if you split with your DH years ago, dated around, slept with those 6-7 guys and maybe settled down with someone different. But you didn't do that, and the chance to do that and have children has now passed. It's now a choice between one or the other. Since you say you never really liked dating that much anyway, the choice seems obvious.

I feel a bit the same about my own life, I wish I did more dating etc but for whatever reason I wasn't able to do it or enjoy it at the right time. It's way too easy now that I'm married to think about how fun it would be, and not consider the bad/hard parts. Anyway I didn't take that path and I can't change that.

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