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Original poster

I've missed the boat, haven't I?

33 replies

LonelyAndFrustrated · 20/08/2020 14:00

I have noone I can trust this with IRL hence posting on here. I've seen a couple of similar threads, but could really need some advice.

I met a man through a mutual hobby and it was evident that we were attracted to each other. He's been single a long time, but I was married at the time and have two teenage children.

Through this hobby we've met on a regular basis and developed a friendship. At times it seemed clear this man was interested in me as more than a friend, at other times he seemed to back right off. He's difficult to read as he's very introverted and I suspect may be on the autistic spectrum. However, whilst I was married nothing happened, but he did spend more time with me than with others in our hobby group.

I've since split with my husband. I only in the last few days told a select group of people from my hobby (including this man) of my split after we'd been away for a weekend together. During the weekend my friend was giving mixed messages, but overall seemed to be avoiding me a little giving me the impression he's no longer interested (if he ever was in the first place).

Then today I've been browsing an online dating site and found my friend's profile on there (under a false name, but the pic was very definitely him) and it showed that he's been recently active.

Now I know, he's single, he can date other people, but I was kind of hanging in there hoping that now I'm single he might take a bit more interest in me again. It's a very long time since I've been single (and when I was younger I pretty much went from one LTR straight into the next, so I've no experience of the dating game).

How do I get him to notice me? Don't tell me to ask him on a date. We meet on a regular basis and often spend time alone together, but I seem to have been "friend-zoned" and I don't know how to get out of it!

OP posts:
OMGISeeTheWayYouShine · 20/08/2020 14:15

Honestly, I think you should just ask him out! It needn't be a big thing - invite him to the pub after the activity for a drink or something. But if you really can't bring yourself to ask him out, ask him for advice. Don't you have a DIY problem you need his help with??

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2020 14:19

How recent was your split?

If you only just told him I expect even if he does fancy you he’d consider it in poor taste to proposition you so soon. Equally, if he thinks you’ve been giving off vibes he might be worried you left your husband for him and that would be a lot of pressure.

As to him being on a dating site, well whatever his feelings for you he knew you were married so why wouldn’t he be trying to find someone for a relationship? He couldn’t waste his life mooning over a married woman to the exclusion of having something meaningful with someone else.

Give it some time then see if a moment presents himself.

Kittykat93 · 20/08/2020 14:21

I'd be wondering why he was using false names etc on a dating site.

Original poster
LonelyAndFrustrated · 20/08/2020 14:23

That's the thing, we often do go to the pub together after our activity (sometimes alone, sometimes with others). When we're alone I get the idea he's interested, though he's never made a move but then I've been married. I don't know how to make the first move on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
LonelyAndFrustrated · 20/08/2020 14:29

I did wonder about the false name thing myself. Could he be doing that to protect his online privacy, or using OLD just for sex/hook ups?

OP posts:
welliesarefuntowear · 20/08/2020 14:32

Hi. I'm in a similar position to you and recently split. I went on a date last week with a man i met on a dating site. I think he's holding back because you're so recently split. The guy I met up with said this to me and it's a reasonable way to be. I think I'd be reluctant to get involved with someone recently divorced. This might just be bad timing. As much as I miss and crave sex and the intimacy of a relationship I'm not ready for a relationship. Give yourself time.

Original poster
LonelyAndFrustrated · 20/08/2020 15:20

@AnneLovesGilbert you're absolutely right in that he has every right to be out dating. He's a single man and why wouldn't he?

I guess there's something of the green-eyed monster coming out that he's almost certainly chatting with and meeting up with other women, especially when we've been spending a lot of time in each other's company recently. I was also maybe a little disappointed to see that he's been recently active on the site.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 20/08/2020 15:24

seems like he might just want a sexual relationship without muddy emotions.

If he was interested and emotionally available, I think you would know.

Coffeeandbeans · 20/08/2020 15:26

I think you need to spend some time on your own and not start idealising after another man. He knew you were married so kept his distance unlike you it seems. I’m not sure I would want to get involved with someone that has just jumped out of a marriage especially with kids too.

Twickerhun · 20/08/2020 15:27

Send him a message asking if he would like a drink sometime Or to come over for dinner (or whatever). Just ask him out :)

Rosegoldlilly1 · 20/08/2020 15:32

You say you've gone from one LTR to another. You're doing it again. Is it bad to be alone and find what you really want in life. Why such a big rush to date this man after splitting from another LTR. Some people just hate being alone and that is a recipe for disaster in the long term.

Original poster
LonelyAndFrustrated · 20/08/2020 15:42

@Rosegoldlilly1 no of course it's not bad to be alone and I'm not suggesting marriage and a mortgage with the guy. I'm just trying to figure out how i can progress to something beyond just friendship and just see where things lead. We've been friends for a couple of years now and we do spend a day or two a week together so in many ways we know each other fairly well and in other ways, barely at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
LonelyAndFrustrated · 20/08/2020 15:48

I'm also just very confused. One minute he's asking me to do an activity together on several occasions, including something which involved a several hour drive together, but has never made a move to take things beyond being friends. The next I see he's active on online dating sites.

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 20/08/2020 15:52

Personally, I'd be reluctant to get involved with a man who didn't have the oomph to get chatting and ask me out himself. I wouldn't have a problem doing the asking or anything like that, I just wouldn't want to be with someone that passive. That is, unless you've been giving mixed messages, which might be the case?? Maybe you could try chatting and being friendly and see if he takes the hint?

SandAndSea · 20/08/2020 15:54

I see the thread's moved on since I posted... He doesn't sound very interested tbh. I would move on. He'll soon let you know if he's interested.

minnieok · 20/08/2020 16:05

Next time you are out after your hobby, casually ask him if he fancies meeting for a coffee/beer sometime or if appropriate a trip connected to your hobby. If he's positive then see how it is with just two of you, he may get the hint from this but if he balks at the thought you can say "just as friends, only just broken up, not ready" sort of thing to cover your tracks and save your friendship

Iamthewombat · 20/08/2020 16:14

Enough with the asking him out on a date. Don’t.

I think you know that if he was keen on you, he would have shown it as soon as you announced to him, and the other members of the hobby group with whom you’d been away for the weekend, that you had split from your husband.

You noted that he seemed a bit distant that weekend, as if he were avoiding you, and was giving you ‘mixed messages’. I think he realised that you were keener on him than he thought, and wasn’t comfortable with it. Maybe he isn’t mature enough to deal with it head on by making it clear that he doesn’t think of you as anything more than a friend with whom he likes pursuing his hobby.

Maybe he is just unusually friendly and that’s what made you think that there was something there?

If there were, he wouldn’t be on a dating site meeting other women. I think you need to move on and meet somebody else.

Palavah · 20/08/2020 16:16

I'm also just very confused. One minute he's asking me to do an activity together on several occasions, including something which involved a several hour drive together, but has never made a move to take things beyond being friends. The next I see he's active on online dating sites

He's asked you to do an activity together on several occasions - he likes your company.
He's active in dating sites - he's single and interested in something (we don't know what - what did his profile say?)
You have only just told him that you have split up from your husband. Why on earth would he respond to that by asking you out straight away? What would you think of him?

If you want to spend time with him, suggest it. He's not a mindreader. Your hobby is the perfect excuse.

spoons123 · 20/08/2020 16:42

I agree with other posters - just carry on as you are, there's no rush. Someone once advised me many years ago, "if you need to ask whether someone is interested in you in that way, the answer is 'no'."

Original poster
LonelyAndFrustrated · 20/08/2020 17:12

@Iamthewombat there wasn't any opportunity for him to make anything clear after I announced it. I told a small group via a WhatsApp chat and we've not seen each other in the few days since.

He's definitely not unusually friendly. If anything he's unusually reserved. He doesn't let people get to know him readily and many of the group who've known him for years still don't know much about him on a personal level.

@Palavah his profile didn't say anything. It is a fairly distinctive picture of him doing our hobby with a false name (actually the name of someone else within our group) and no description/details. It said recently active next to it, which I think means he's accessed the site in the last 24 hours.

OP posts:
Rogertherabbits · 20/08/2020 17:40

I'm also just very confused. One minute he's asking me to do an activity together on several occasions, including something which involved a several hour drive together, but has never made a move to take things beyond being friends. The next I see he's active on online dating sites

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but have you considered that you are just not his type. I'm single, I have 3 single male friends that I spend lots of time with, including whole day activities out together, but i don't want to date any of them. They are lovely blokes but just because they are men and single doesn't mean i automatically fancy them. I just like to hang out with them as friends.

blue30 · 20/08/2020 17:42

I wouldn’t spend too much time second guessing. In the past he’s been aware you were married and I dare say this has been a factor in how close or otherwise he’s allowed things to get with you. He could be holding back now because he perceives you need room, or it could be another reason. If he’s a little bit autistic he might not trust his own reading of your interest, or might not be able to read it.
I would be direct with him about your thoughts.

Original poster
LonelyAndFrustrated · 20/08/2020 18:19

@Rogertherabbits I have lots of male friends as I have lots of male dominated interests, so I'm not in the type to get random crushes on guy friends. However, I've caught the way he looks at me sometimes when he thinks I'm not looking and it distinctly is not the way you look at someone who is just a friend, likewise when we're chatting there will be lots of eye-contact and silly smiles making me think he is interested and if we go to the pub after our hobby, we might be there chatting for an hour or more after everyone else has left. Then otoh if we're in a group he might sit further away, generally be less attentive or even walk away if I'm close by which seems out of sync with how he is at other times. Then the fact he's on a dating site as I say, the green-eyed monster comes out.

OP posts:
MrsSpookyM · 20/08/2020 18:21

Maybe he's the same as you - he doesn't want to make the first move and wants you to do it.

cashmerecardigans · 20/08/2020 18:36

Hang on, isn't that a bit weird? He's using someone else's name??? That's just an awful thing to do, especially if it's someone he knows. I'd avoid like the plague.