Separation... How much do you do for the ex?

[Stegasaurusmum]

We separated in March, he's only moved out 3 weeks ago though.. I'm in the house as it made sense due to children and location, he's renting. I feel really bad about that, plus the fact that I pushed the separation..

But. I did all the parenting, all the day to day chores, everything. I did all the driving, he doesn't drive and always refused to learn.

Since him moving out, he's having the children 2 nights a week, but due to work travel it's been cancelled during the week twice already. I then suggest two nights at the weekend to make up for it, which he's done.
My issue is, he's still relying on me so heavily and I just can't say no... For example, turning up at the house on his cycle home, asking for a lift (I wasn't in, so said no), today, I had to change my plans as he needed more stuff from the house (I did all the trips back and forth with his stuff but he refused to take some of it, because he doesnt need it yet.. 🤷‍♀️) today he decided he needed a bike, so I had to divert home, mess around trying to fit it into the car etc..
Keeping things in the loft, indefinitely it seems... I need the space really.
I still do all the organising of when they're going over, I suggested a set time of 11am each Saturday till Sunday lunchtime, he's now said he's got things to do Saturday... I'd planned lunch with friends, So again, my plans have to change. I drive the kids there and pick them up, I don't mind but eventually it's going to cost me in petrol and I'm not going to be doing great financially so could do with the 15 to 20 quid a month it'll cost.
I know I should just set boundaries, but I just can't say no.. I dont like upsetting people, I can't say no.. I kind of think like I might just go along with it for a bit then once school starts I can set a routine where I'm not doing all the running around.

I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable to say no, I can't do those things anymore.

I do worry that the time he has with the kids they just seem to eat junk and watch TV all day, or play computer games... I know I can't control those things, but I probably should just stop the relying on me for stuff all the time right..?
I'm being really wet aren't I 😂😂

Lol, I remember driving my son from NW down to the midlands to stay for the weekend, then picking him up. My one day off from work could be spent trapesing up and down the M6 for hours. Finally saw the light when I spent 6 hours on the motorway in one day as had been a crash with delays, never again. I just said I want money towards the petrol, plus for my time if it were to continue - he then got the train to come and see him, much better. It also took my then BF to tell me that it was rediculous, which it was.
Basically, it's not your problem that he doesn't drive. The onus is on him to sort out public transport to see his DC, if he can't, it's his loss.

You might as well still be together!

When you say you can't say no and don't like upsetting people, do you wonder if anyone cares about upsetting YOU? Because you matter too!

When people ask you to do things you don't want to, you can say 'No, I'm busy' or 'No, I have plans' or just 'No'.

If they ask twice the answer is 'I said no.' People will soon get over it.
The same applies to the ex.

I had to learn to do this and it was a huge improvement.

I could have written this myself!

I’m in a similar situation. I was still bending over backwards for me ex, letting his kids stay at mine (who aren’t my kids) all weekend. Doing pick ups and drop offs picking him up and taking him to work, arranging house viewings etc and when he stayed at mine I’d still be cleaning up after him as he would just leave stuff where ever he could place it when he was done and just not respecting my house.

I felt bad just like you did but you MUSTNT feel bad for saying no. It’s torture having to do these things and not having them appreciated.

This week he’s asked me to have his kids again. And even though it made me feel awkward I’ve said no. I have done enough and believe me once you say no you won’t feel half as bad as what you think you will. He won’t curl up and die, he will just have to sort his own shit out, just like the rest of us! Sorry to be blunt but stop wiping his ass for him but in the same breath, I understand where you’re coming from coz I was in that space until 2 days ago! He will use you till he doesn’t need to and you’re far better than that.

Keep strong and the only people you need to be concerned about is yourself and your kids, you’ve got this!

How old are the kids? Could they get themselves to their dads by public transport?

Otherwise, like a PP said - if he doesn't drive then the onus is on him to use public transport.

Thanks all... I'm such a wet blanket, I've spent 18 years doing all the stuff so I guess breaking the habit will be hard.

No public transport, our house is rural, taxis only option...its about 3 miles from his but no bus route, they're 5 and 10. I'm thinking things will improve once term starts, he's going to have to collect them from my parents after school and get them back there the next day, it's around a 25 min walk so he will just have to deal with either walking or taxi there, then it just leaves me the weekend drop offs. I just have to be stronger about saying no!
I think it's guilt mainly. I feel so bad that's he's had to rent, although it's a lovely place and he's spent thousands furnishing it, I still feel terrible I've got our lovely home... Although it's costing me a fortune finishing the jobs he's started over the years.. I'm paying the mortgage and funding all the DIY, so I shouldn't feel guilty, but I still do.

Its only been three weeks! You are still working out a routine. Was the split amicable? I know this is going against the grain and of course you shouldn't be taken for a mug, but if it were me I would want to stay friendly and helpful with my ex for the sake of the children. It's only 3 miles away. Do you really want your kids to miss out on time with their dad, or be walking on rural roads (one is only 5) because you don't want to drive 3 miles? He's the one who has had to move out, whilst you kept the home.

Obviously you don't want this to be an ongoing thing though. Communicate your issues and compromise. Maybe ask for petrol money and get him to take lessons. Say you'll do one way, he sorts the other.

There will be ongoing issues but eventually you will be able to work out a routine which suits you both if you are both able to compromise and stay as amicable as possible.

As for stuff in the loft! I moved out 3 years ago and still have stuff in my exes loft! Why does that bother you so much after 3 weeks!? If he's moved out presumably half of your stuff went with him so I can't see you really needing the space. Is it just what it represents to you? You want every last bit of him gone?

You will always be related to this man through your children. Try to see the bigger picture. These little details will resolve themselves in time.

• I must say you've every right to say no to anything that doesn't include the children!

and he needs to stop cancelling the time with the children. These plans should be set in stone other than emergencies. That is really not on and is letting your children down.

You need to stop enabling him today. He needs to learn to drive asap and if he needs his stuff he should get a friend round to sort it out. He is not part of your family anymore.

You need to get a handle on the people-pleasing just for life really, not just because of him.

Set a contact schedule - it's better for the children if there's a routine. Reframe this. It's not you he's letting down when he prats about, it's them. Yes, you cover it up and flex so they don't feel it, but you need to get a bit Momma-Bear about this - if you let him chop and change now, it'll become habitual and it will end with disappointments and upset for those children, because there will come a stage where you can't flex enough and he'll be complacent enough that he'll expect you to deal with impossible situations. He has a responsibility to them to be consistent. Establish some boundaries around contact now, for the dc's sake.

The rest of it I would be helpful for a couple of months, but on my own schedule. Eg: if he needs something from the house, he can have it when you have free time, not drop everything to do it for him right away.

I 'now' do none. I used to do loads until I realised how ridiculous it was.

Arrange regular times for him to see the dc. Days and times to pick up and drop off. If he can't make it for whatever reason, then that's his loss! If he asks to rearrange, tell him to text you the details and you can then agree, or not, DO NOT. change any plans to fit in around him. If he's late, simply carry on with your plans, if he turns up and you've gone out, tough! Plus let him do all the arranging. If he wants you to drop them off - no

Say 'no' don't excuse, or explain, just a simple 'no'

Can you give me a lift home - no
Can you pick up my bike - no
Can you drop the kids off - no

When he asks why - I'm not your wife any longer, stand on your own two feet - and repeat.

Currently you are taking responsibility for the parenting for both you and him - looking after the dc and facilitating (to your own cost) his parenting. He needs to take responsibility for his own parenting - you mustn't let him duck out and treat it as optional from the start.

The lifts would be annoying but not everyone drives, he should pay fuel. The loft storage I think is fair enough, he still co owns the house I'm guessing. Changing work patterns etc mean that parents need to be a bit flexible. I am going through divorce, I've chosen to move away (kids are adults) and my stuff is stored at my former house, it's mine until it's sold!

i agree with Iris27, in that it's only been three weeks. Wanting his stuff out of the loft is understandable - you want a clean slate asap - but perhaps difficult for him to organise within such a short space of time. I think over time, his reliance on you will lessen - at the moment, his brain patterns are that when he needs help, he looks to you - but that will change slowly.

I remember after I moved out from an ex, calling him when the car didn't start!! I wouldn't even think of calling him now - I'd call the AA - it just takes time for your brain to reset and a new circle of people to start to fill the gap left by the ex.

Agree with the others - you can say 'yes', but at a time that's convenient for you.

Have another conversation about child care - he gets set times and will have to arrange his life around those times (not the children around his life). If he can't do it one weekend, he doesn't get to swap to a better time. It's that time or nothing... at least for the first 3 months. Once he's used to it you could be more flexible (which works both ways).

Thanks all. I'm very mindful it's early days, and that I'm people pleasing! I just like yo keep the peace. But that's what's led to the breakup.
He's now saying he will learn yo drive, after 18 years of me doing it all... I'm glad, if he does, we shall see. I don't at all mind taking the kids to see him but it's that he's just assuming all the time that I will, doesn't ask, doesn't say thanks, doesn't consider it anything but my job.
The lift thing, its just that I keep saying oh l bring thses over will I... Then he just says oh, just put it in the loft.. Its overflowing with 20 years worth of stuff that he won't throw away or sort through... I can't find anything, I need to go up and finish yet another job, insulating it, before the winter, but it's impossible for me yo do that with the kids here as I can't trust the youngest to be left... So yet again, it's more stuff I have to do which he's just making more difficult.
I'm definitely going to say we need to have set times each week once school starts, as the kids need that. He will just have to do the other stuff around that, as I do.
Just need to have some boundaries, I guess it doesn't stop me being kind about it or flexible.

Absolutely nothing. He was a lazy twat and it was relief to take a step back after being chief organiser and pot washer

@EL8888 I feel the same, it's not been difficult at all, life is just easier!