Abusive Husband

[damnthisvirusandmarriage]

He’s been coming EVERY FUCKING DAY to see us.

Yesterday he twisted my daughters arm to get something out of it. Said she was a liar and trying to cause trouble when she protested. She’s 3.

Today he told our other daughter he doesn’t like her.

Police aren’t interested. They’re on his side he says as he tells them he is coming over every time he does. And this is his right.

Moving isn’t an option. I’m literally sick to the back teeth of this.

@damnthisvirusandmarriage He’s text me saying I’m ruining his life though as police advice I text to end things. Childs birthday tomorrow so I’ve said I’ll meet at park for an hour or so so he can say happy birthday and give gifts. He’s not happy

He's not happy? You are ruining his life? Excellent. All a sign this is the right thing to do. He has two choices. Continue and have his life ruined further or stop and only have it ruined by his past actions. Because you can not and must not let those go even though you want to, if you do it's a geeen light to keep going. Threats don't work - action does. If he gets off the hook now then to him you are weak and won't do anything.

Follow the police advice and if he starts tell him 'I'm doing what the police have advised me to do.' On a loop. On repeat. And I would take a witness to the park too. And make sure I was in view of others at all times.

Good for you!!!!

Police have spoken to him and told him to stay away.
Immediate got a text from him saying -

‘What a lovely conversation I've just had with the policeman. How was your day? ‘

Then the police called me to tell me. They basically insinuated that after hearing his side of the story that it’s tit for tat and that the twisting of the girls arms etc is just parenting. They’re not going to do anything at all.

Ok so you need proof. Cctv pref WITH audio. Motion triggered for outside. Hidden for inside. This always happens - abusers always accuse their victims of abuse. The police should fucking know this.

In the meantime don't meet him at the park. Get cctv (not that difficult) inside and st your front door. You need it in and working as of yesterday. I use a ring doorbell and you get a free subscription then can buy one so it's always recording.

He will know about the outside one and so you MUST get it inside too. And even one that covers the front of your house.

He is a nasty piece of work and it's you or him. You don't get to keep him sweet, you can't co parent or reason. He will do everything he can to destroy you mentally and take your child. You. Need. Proof. This is war.

Yes second that, you can’t co-parent with an abuser. It’s a shitty position to be in which is why they want children so that they have a control over you. The sooner the courts wise up the better!

The courts and the police see two people saying the same thing about each other. They can't just assume one is lying because he's male. There was a family law barrister on here a while ago doing an AMA. She said in 80% of court cases there are allegations of abuse and almost as many accusations of one of the parties being a narcissist!

So they hear this every day. And they often think that it is being made up so the accusing parent doesn't have to share custody. And I'm sure that happens too.

Plus you'll get parents who have fallen out with the other person deciding that them arguing is abuse. And of course the abusers will accuse the other too.

So it all comes down to who has proof. Or if no proof should is most credible and abusers are often very credible. That's why not reporting serious incidences, dropping charges, not wanting to contact the police etc isn't a good idea. It means there's no paper trail and their barrister can say "well if there was abuse why didn't you report it? I say that you have just made it up now to cause problems"

So calling the police out for minor things, not pressing charges for major things, not keeping messages or going to the GP or even telling other people around you just leaves you with no where to go. You look like you are just a bitter ex who doesn't want him to see 'your' children.

Society brings women up to think that behaving stupidly is the right thing. Women think there's a world of 'adults you can tell' who will fix everything and they are wrong. The world doesn't care - it cares about evidence.

I see breathtaking naivety on here around things like jobs too - people think they can complain or report and bang, the bad person is gone. Or that they shouldn't have to do what they don't want to. And that someone will step in. Sometimes having shit parents is a good thing.

When there's an abuser in the mix you need evidence and you need to be willing to step out of your comfort zone because they will lie and cheat forever.

So we were having a new boiler fitted. EH had arranged it all. Wouldn’t tell me what time they were coming. It’s a free boiler under that government scheme. But we had to supplement it by £150.

So I called him and asked him to pay. And he refused. So I don’t have that money as it’s lockdown and my business isn’t thriving. And I had a day for DD planned with her friends and a meal with family this evening. Tried to pay and my card was declined. Because I called him and asked him to pay he said I was harassing him and causing him distress ( because this is what the police told him off for yesterday). Anyway. This company are AMAZING and wrote the £150 off. Can’t believe it. So humbled and grateful.

Anyway. I allowed him to come see DD but st my mums and he was making nasty comments and scary faces so ask him to leave.

ALSO, I came home and one of the fellas fitting the boiler said that he’d been there and who was the white haired man with the white BMW. I said EHs dad. they’d been here to get the trailer. They aren’t allowed to come here. He said EHs dad was rude and asked - ‘where’s the psycho?’ Referring to me.

So I’m gonna call 101 and report it.

I need this nonsense to stop. I’ve had a knot in my stomach all day from this.

You had your locks changed, don't want your ex husband or his father to come to the house, but it's your ex who has arranged the new boiler and you expect him to pay the £150?

I think you need to improve your boundaries here.

I wouldn't be allowing him to see DC under any circumstances. He assaulted your 3yr old. I'd not let this drop.

Why should he pay for your boiler ?

It’s our boiler. He arranged it. I asked him to postpone it. I have no money. The work men turned up from miles away.

I spoke with SS today and they are happy I’m stopping contact. Gonna be hard though. I’m dreading it.

How dare they get anything? Did they take it? There's your £150 right there! Stop letting them take stuff away! Sell it on eBay and keep the money! And stop letting him see your DC!

Let him escalate. Record it and then go to the cops. If youve no money for cctv sell anything in the house you don't want or need thats 'his' and use that money.