Bring it on: why am I a man-repulser?

[Ritascornershop]

I have been single (lived just with my kids) for 14 years since splitting with my ex-husband. I’ve had one relationship in all that time, loved him lots, he became ... a bit unstable really, imagined I was cheating on him when such a thing had never occurred to me/isn’t in my nature.

I’ve had 3 other men ask me out in all that time. One I wasn’t attracted to, one was too old and I’d seen his flat (we were friendly through a local activity) & I was disturbed at what a tip it was as he knew I was coming over and it was boardering on a hoarding thing, and the third man I went on socially distanced walks with and he seemed into me then suddenly decided he wanted just to “have fun” (sex). I’m mid-50’s and feel at this point in my life I want to be valued for all of me and not just have a fwb thing.

So why am I not attracting the sort of man who would be right for me? Why is this so hard?!! I’ve tried online and just never see anyone who I think is right (I’m not super fussy! I’ve messaged a few but where I live they’re all either very status conscious and want a woman w an impressive job or are just very sporty outdoorsy types which I couldn’t keep up 24/7).

I’m healthy, healthy weight, like kids and animals, read a lot, love music, am a good cook. I’m friendly and polite, employed, own 2/3rds of a house (bank owns the other third). I have adult children who like my company and lots of women friends, some close women friends who I’ve known for decades. I’m interested in people and their stories. I’m empathetic but have worked hard on boundaries and so feel in theory I shouldn’t attract guys with big egos (like the one I went for walks with: I was slightly gobsmacked that a 70 year old would have the balls to ask someone 15 years younger to be his fwb, I thought it was presumptuous and clumsy).

I’m just baffled as to what nice guys who want a partner are looking for? I feel like I’m missing some key ingredient but no-one can tell me what it is. My ex did say “you’re pretty so you’ll attract men but your horrible personality will put them off straightaway.” I’m not sure if that’s a clue or a curse?

Ignore your ex’s nasty comment!

Sounds like the main issue is that you’ve just not met v many men, eg v limited OLD. A numbers thing.

Sounds like you had good reasons to avoid the men you’ve mentioned!

Well you sound lovely, and if you have friends of several decades you can’t have a horrible personality. Have any of your female friends given you advice? Don’t settle for some 70 yr old fwb unless that’s what you want. What are your hobbies that involve meeting others? Just wondering if you could do your hobby in another town or meet a new group

Don’t think it’s very easy in your 50’s. That’s why you were approached by a man of 70. Men always thing they can pull someone 15 years younger. Men your age will be messaging women in their 40’s. Maybe just try joining some clubs etc and see if anything comes naturally.

You sound lovely to me! The three people you met was that outside of OLD?

As for OLD you really do have to go for a numbers game. Also, think further afield if your local area doesn’t have the right types.

I live in Canada so the next city is 3 hours away :( So I’m stuck with locals really (unless a long distance relationship with him being open to relocating).

I’ve only been on 2 online dates, I wasn’t counting them above as one social anxiety (I guess?) and could not look me in the eye and the other was just too straight-laced for me, I couldn’t see him fitting in with my kids and friends (or me!).

I guess I’m wary of online dating as I figure if I met someone who I shared acquaintances with that person would have people fro vouch for him somewhat? Also I’d like to get to know someone slowly and online seems like it could be rushed. I’ve tried going to meetups for one of my hobbies but it was all couples! I was hoping I’d meet someone at work, but no luck so far. A new work friend is on the case and she says she’s looking for me :) She met her partner at our work.

I just feel I’ll never entirely get used to being alone. I want so much to have someone to talk to about my day and share in accomplishments and worry when I’m ill (& have someone to worry about). Lots of people are fine being single, but I feel a big partner shaped hole in my life. I’m on the verge of tears at least once a day over it (I wasn’t before the man I loved who got jealous, after my divorce and before and partly during the jealous one was very cheery and hopeful). Now I feel like it doesn’t happen to “people like me” (whatever I mean by that), that the ex was right and there is something wrong with me. It’s a hard feeling to shake. But the support here is sweet and much appreciated!

The ex was NOT right!

That’s good about your new friend! And wouldn’t give up on couples as some of them could have nice single friends.

You could try OLD and take it at your own pace, loads of good tips on MN about OLD and avoiding time wasters.

Thanks Dozer, I’ll maybe check out here for tips about OLD. I feel like maybe my type of man is not thick on the ground here (as we seem to have more of a mix of fishing-hiking-kayaking types and men who want to talk about their flash cars and have wives with high earning jobs to polish their presentation), but I may be wrong about that. I hope so! I do note that men here seem very suspicious of clever women who aren’t also earning a ton. Working class and bright does not seem to go over well.