Had a name change fail...

[AllTheScoobySnacks]

Apologies, I got MNHQ to delete as I realised my name change hasn’t work and i May show DH the thread and dont want him knowing my usual name.

Basically the ask was am I being taken for a mug?

DH had an affair with someone very early in our relationship, lots of texts/sexting etc. 5 years on I’ve just found out he googled her 15 times One day last week (her name, + middle name, +job etcetc). He says he was just curious but it’s hit a massive nerve for me and I feel like it’s confirmed done deep seated fear that she was the one he always wanted and our whole relationship I’ve been second best. Am I overreacting? We’re at a total stalemate, what happens now?

Also someone asked why I stayed in first place, low self esteem/worth, thought I could change him... did the pick me dance, all the usual shit. Thank you

Well, yes, you've been taken for a mug for years, but don't be too hard on yourself about it.

He's curious about her - not necessarily because she's 'the one' but because she was sexually available. He's quite possibly looking for a bit on the side and her legs opened before, so ...

The man doesn't want to be faithful. How much are you prepared to put up with before you show him the door?

Op, you chose to stay. It’s a bit late now to think about how you’ve been taken.
He did not google her 15 times, you can see in the history every time he clicked back and forth on links about her. I suggest you clear your search history, go on MN, as you usually do, check your history and you’ll see a long trail. It doesn’t mean you’ve searched the website that many times.
That being said, move forward. Curiosity is normal. If you still think you're second best, then find someone else. Unfortunately when we enter any relationship there is no guarantee that we’ll never become second best for someone. People do not choose who they fall for, only what actions they take.

I occasionally google old acquaintances out of curiosity. It’s not because I think I could have done better ( I could have done better on a materialist level but at the cost of happiness and contentment) but because I can with modern technology.
I’ve always had problems with confidence and low self esteem. It is quite an ego boost seeing women you grew up with are ageing as well. In my mind they are still beautiful young things. It’s good to remind yourself that they are just like you. As for men, my first crush, truly an Adonis, is now follicly challenged and has a beer belly ( probably still would given the opportunity though).
Perhaps your partner is reminding himself that he dodged a bullet with OW.

I get it, he had an affair with this woman. It must sting like crazy. To be honest I think the googling isn't unforgivable but I think the realisation that you may be having just now that you aren't over the affair, and that it will always be part of your relationship is the real threat to your relationship.

You shouldn't be made to feel like this, and it was the affair that did that , not the googling ( although I understand why that hurts so much).

I didn't read the thread earlier.

@Hailtomyteeth

Well, yes, you've been taken for a mug for years, but don't be too hard on yourself about it.

He's curious about her - not necessarily because she's 'the one' but because she was sexually available. He's quite possibly looking for a bit on the side and her legs opened before, so ...

The man doesn't want to be faithful. How much are you prepared to put up with before you show him the door?

And her legs opened before?

So you would say that about every women who has had sex? Quite the misogynistic statement.

@One1 they were independent searches this Ann Brown, Ann C brown, Ann Claire Brown, Ann brown cakes, Ann brown baker, Ann brown london... you get the gist

Fifteen different independent searches? He really wanted to find her. That's awful.

Sometimes we just get curious - I've googled ex boyfriends names before doesn't mean I want them back

Maybe you should start a thread called, "have you ever innocently looked up an ex affair partner while in the same relationship you cheated on?". And see how many people think that's okay to do.

I know that's a long thread name btw, just for clarity in the actual situation, because it's not the same as looking up an ex.

It's not okay, it's never okay. One of the rules of getting through a betrayal like that is never to contact the person again.

Meh its just a google search op. Nothing bad

OP - you said he had sexted her early in your relationship? The way you describe it sounds to me less like an ‘affair’ and more an early relationship where there wasn’t yet a commitment/exclusivity.
And it’s the way many relationships start - whether known or unknown to all the parties involved.
And in the end - back then he chose to have a relationship with you, not her.

So - not a mug. You stayed and build so then with him. Your feelings of inadequacy are not on him - it’s all you. Your self esteem needs a bit of a shakeup and a boost.

As to goggling someone from the past - many people do that. I do that too, and actually keep in touch with some exes, occasionally. Not because I have residual feelings but more because they are like old friends, who mostly live far away.

@MMmomDD while I believe there physical relationship ended in the very early days there was evidence of continued sexting etc even after we moved in together. I know I was stupid.

Thanks for the responses, it is making me think maybe it was innocent curiousity

He's massively overstepped a boundary here. You've moved past the affair and allowed your relationship to grow.

He's now disrespected the work that you have put in by trying to engage in some kind of communication with her, because it wouldn't have just stopped at searching.

He's fucked up.

An ex = yes, curiosity.

An ex OW who almost fucked up your relationship and who your partner knows who be deeply hurt by = never okay

That’s exactly how I feel @MizMoonshine what would you do now though? I feel like we’re at a total impasse

@AllTheScoobySnacks he's taken your trust back to day one. I would take him back to it.
I assume that you had some measures in place the first time around to help you rebuild that, over time, have slipped and you've relaxed on? Take him back to those.
Failing that, leave him.

I often look up ex but that because I want to keep tabs on him.

5 years on -he is still thinking of her.

I think part of the problem for me is it’s just made me realise how much it still affects me. Need done time to process

Hi op, I understand what you’re saying.
Regarding getting over it, no one will prepare you for future situations where you’d think you’re totally over it and something happens or someone says something and it stings a it more or less. It sure stung me for a couple of seconds while reading your post, many many years later.

It might just be innocent curiosity. I do stuff like this all the time. Especially when I‘ve got some work to do that’s boring - my brain finds all kinds of ways to distract me 😂😂😂

If I can’t find someone, I get quite bloody-minded and determined to track them down! There’s a boy I went to school with and we were really good friends. He appears to have disappeared off the face of the planet. I regularly google him to try and see what he’s doing now. There was zero, and I mean zero, attraction from my side. Don’t think there was any on his side either. I’m just nosey. You’d see a ton of searches in my history where I’m trying to find him.

Only you know what the reason might be. He might harbour feelings. He might have just been bored and feeling nosey. I look at exes sometimes too. One in particular is a right wanker and I take a perverse delight in the fact that I summoned the courage to kick him out. I’m not defending your DH, I’m really not. It could be really suspicious. But it might just be idle curiosity.

I should say, I do regularly tell my DP what I’ve found out. He just humours me 😂😂 He knows how much I love him and also that I’m a nosey bint.

I guess the issue here is that you don’t feel secure about her still. Are there any other red flags?

I google all sorts of people just out of curiosity. They will come into my mind because something or someone reminds me of them and then I'll look them up.

But he had an affair early on in your relationship and continued sexting even after he had moved in with you, so you probably struggled to trust him at the best of times, and now to find that he's looked her up is really disrespectful and of course you'll be doubting his intentions.

I googled my first love, found out where he lived now. I didn't act on it, I was just curious.