Hi. Long-term poster (a decade) but NC’d for this as potentially identifying and feel like I don’t want this linked to other threads. Have agonised whether to start this thread for months, finally doing so but worried I’ll regret it or get harsh answers, and as I’m in a fragile state at mo and under a lot of other stress I’m worried I’ll not cope with the fall-out so please be kind in any responses.
V long so will try to keep brief. Have had a turmultuous few years since splitting from ex-DH. Two failed r’ships with men who weren’t very emotionally open but whom I thought I loved. I ended both (one after 8 months, the other after a year). My gut told me it was right thing to do both times. Met current DP during ending of previous r’ship & we instantly fell head over heels. We live v near eachother so met organically & it took us both by surprise. Talked endlessly, laughed, amazing chemistry (best of my life), both commented on the crazy similarities to the extent we felt we were Siamese twins, both fell head over heels for eachother. He said he’d never felt this way about anyone (including his ex-DW) and we couldn’t help envisaging a future together with lots of adventures. Common goals/tastes/plans. Etc etc. I felt desired/fancied/admired (something I never had in my marriage) and so happy.
Just prior to lockdown I took him away for his bday to a romantic rural location, where he started being different. Argumentative, contrary, brittle if I disagreed with him on trivial things. He seemed to emotionally distance himself somehow. All v subtle though. At start of lockdown we talked tearfully about not being able to see eachother (I felt we should follow the rules given everyone else was facing hardship & following the rules) but he persuaded me we could & should still see eachother occasionally (socially distanced walks etc) to support one another & to avoid losing our r’ship just as it was beginning. Over time we began sleeping at eachothers houses again & formed a ‘bubble’ with eachother when this was allowed. We’re both lone parents with 50:50 childcare so would’ve struggled without this lifeline. However, there was instantly a change of tone/atmosphere. He emotionally withdrew, and seemed to cast me as an opponent for want of a better word. This has been going on for nearly 6 months. E.g: if I said it was day, he’d argue it was night. If I express an opinion he expresses the opposite. Sometimes subtle, other times v overt. His communication style is increasingly confusing and he contradicts his own viewpoints and denies having had those viewpoints/said those things. I feel hopelessly confused a lot of the time (shifting sands and can’t get a handle on what he’s saying or what indeed we’re disagreeing about). I often have a feeling of not being able to say anything right and feel defeated & miserable.
I raised this with him when we were away for my very belated 40th straight after lockdown (a cheap trip to what turned out to be a horrible dodgy campsite I’d booked for us myself as we’d not marked my bday in any way as he’d forgotten to take annual leave on my 40th as planned). Things came to a head whilst we were away there. He was moody, emotionally distant & oppositional, and I felt exhausted by saying the wrong things & walking on eggshells. We had a talk & he denied knowing what I was talking about but he remained calm & we talked over where some of the issues lay. I think he took bits on board when we returned and I cried and was on verge of ending it. I said it just feels like there’s been a huge distancing between us & feels like he paints me as the opposition, and that he bamboozles me & I feel confused & on eggshells all the time. We had a calm discussion about the dynamics and our personalities, and both acknowledged where we could do things differently (for instance I’m quite sensitive to atmospheres & possibly misinterpret his moods). After that he has become less needlessly oppositional & things have felt less full of disagreements & friction. It’s felt he’s taken on board my feelings around this & has made deliberate changes.
However, there is still an emotional distance. We’ve gone from having sex/kissing/desiring eachother a lot (to the extent of having sex outdoors/when on walks/immediately that we see eachother etc to one quickie (where he didn’t touch me he just rolled me over so my back was to him and penetrated me) in the last few weeks. Instead of feeling we prioritise sex and intimacy we now go days without kissing (maybe just a peck hello/goodbye) and spend whole nights together in same bed without any kissing/sex. We both have kids so have limited but regular nights we can spend together, and there’s no effort on those nights to reconnect. We watch box-sets until later than I’m happy with (I end up falling asleep) then go silently upstairs & light straight off and silently to sleep (him) whilst I then lie awake feeling ignored & rejected & sad that things have changed so much.
Yesterday, after Monday night was spent like this, I messaged him & said I feel we should have a box-set curfew whereby we go to bed earlier so that we can ensure we have time to reconnect/restore intimacy/talk/have sex and don’t let this become sidelined. I said I felt we needed to reconnect in this way. Granted we were working (from home) but I didn’t get a response to this, only a response to a later text about me having pranged my car. I cancelled seeing a friend last night because it was the last night for a while that I’ll get to see DP and wanted to ensure we had some time to reconnect. Instead, he went to his parents so I went out swimming. When I got to his at 8.30 it was the same old thing: a peck hello, eating at 9.30pm in front of box sets, he chose to watch an extra episode until midnight (I fell asleep as usual) then we got in bed, light straight out and he rolled over & went to sleep. Still no sex or affection. This morning he had an early meeting online so we got straight up, dressed, quick cup of tea (no breakfast offered) and I was expected to leave (which I did). I just feel so leaden & sad, and not sure if I’m making more of things than I should (I have a tendency to over-think and he has a tendency to under-think).
Other things that have felt wrong to me from not long after the amazing first few weeks:
He’ll ask me about my day/news/family etc but immediately start reading his phone whilst I give my reply. It’s so belittling & off-putting and generally conveys the sense he’s not interested in me or my answers. I’ve started deliberately stopping my sentence and telling him I’ll speak once he’s finished texting. He doesn’t seem to like this & I think he thinks I’m being arsey.
He talks over me incessantly. Often completely cutting me off as if he’s not heard me talking.
If I’m talking (even about serious things such as my recent bereavement or problems with my kids) he’ll be looking at his phone then come out with something entirely unrelated to what I’ve been saying (such as: “what sort of bedside cabinet would you get if you were me?”) It has the effect of me feeling silenced & foolish.
He has very set ways that things should be done, and even tho I follow his ways he always re-does it (leaving me feeling like I’m somehow ruining his things or not able to do things right.
He seems to not like the “full real me” (for instance making subtly negative comments dressed up as humour about my academic nature, my interests, my use of vocabulary etc) which feels like inverse-snobbery (I believe he feels threatened & insecure about his own lack of strengths in these areas as he is dyslexic & has low self-belief in such areas). He perhaps unwittingly comes across as scathing when I use my usual vocabulary (saying I “sound like a dictionary” and rolling his eyes subtly). So this is another thing I’ve tried to change.
He also told me he doesn’t like emojis & would prefer me not to use them (so I don’t anymore) and doesn’t like pet-names (so I stopped calling him ‘darling’ or ‘honey’ like I sometimes used to and tried to match his texts in tone which is quite factual & a bit distant, more matey). He’s commented before that I talk too much, and makes regular comments that I snore & talk in my sleep (which he doesn’t seem to find a laughing matter). He doesn’t like farting so I try to bottle it all up but then when I fall asleep during the box set-watching it accidentally comes out and he looks so unamused and I feel so mortified. My face says it all (worried, embarrassed, mortified) but he just lets the air of disapproval hang there with a sort of “I told you so” look.
I know this all sounds so negative but there are so many good things (or rather, I thought there were at first, and think there could be again). On paper this is perfect: we live so closely, my kids like him, we work in a similar profession which is great as I’ve never had this before, we have the same sporting hobbies, exactly same taste in things/food/clothes/home stuff, same goals & pipe dreams etc, some friends in common, the sex is capable of being amazing (or it used to be), I fancy him rotten (he is extremely good looking), he can be caring & responsive sometimes (usually if I’m explicit in asking for this), he’s practical (always wanted a practical man!), hard-working, educated, my parents like him & vice versa, he’s got a lovely family who I like....
I just feel so torn between listening to these red flags (I suspect he is quite a naturally arrogant/narcissistic personality despite his best efforts not to be and despite being a decent person) and wanting to try to make things work.
I don’t know if our personalities are just too different. Me: empathic, over-sensitive, considerate, compliant, enjoying emotional intimacy & talking.. Him: lacking empathy, emotionally distant, oppositional, wanting an emotional distance. It just feels like a recipe for disaster going forwards.
I swing beteeen feeling I’m happy enough with the set-up & Id miss him terribly if we split, to feeling a crushing sense of rejection/invisibility if that makes sense? I’d love him to seem as into me as he used to be, but don’t think that’s going to happen. I think he love-bombed me & once he’d got me he decided to put me in a box, neg me to keep me there, and wants to govern the terms & conditions going forwards.
Sometimes I don’t know which was is up/down and can’t tell what the dynamic is any longer (friends? Partners? Lovers? Enemies? Neighbours? Something to pass the time with?) Not sure what he’s getting out of being with me other than him not being alone (he doesn’t like his own company whereas I love being alone).
I’m so so so sorry for this epic ramble. Months worth of worries have just poured forth. Congrats if you’ve got this far, I really appreciate it.
There’s a caveat here: the greatest irony is that we both are very experienced in working in mental health/psychology/family dynamics type field of work. It’s almost like he can’t apply the stuff he knows for his job to our own situation. I worry that there’s something missing in him that he can help others in this way but can’t “feel it” himself if that makes sense? Again the arrogance, telling others what to do but not recognising that there are problems in his own dynamics/relationships.