To be fed up of always being the person to arrange things?

[wigglerose]

If I do anything with friends, I'm always the person that arranges it. If I don't, I rarely do anything. And I'm fed up.
Also, I only have a few friends. One is refusing to meet up in person because we can't ALL meet up because two are on holiday right now. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? It's not like I'm trying to go behind the ones on holiday's backs?

Yep know exactly what you mean. It’s so frustrating.

The cure for me was 2 things. One is finding other friends. This was a gradual process and means I have friends who don’t really know each other but it gives me lots of options
And some of those will organise things. Others I have a standard arrangement with to go for a weekly walk.
The second thing is I’ve realised it gives me control over where we meet and when. Which I quite like. So I try and see it as a positive.

But I hear you and it can really get you down

Sending a hug. 🤗 i find if i do not do the organising no one else does. I might meet a friend in passing who genuinely says we must meet for coffee , I will send you some dates and three months down the line we havent.

Yeah, I'm trying to find more friends, it's tough when you're in your 30s though.

Yes I'm in the transition period of having kids, some other friends have as well but most are still childless and very much out and about. For those with kids we might as well be dead. A lot of organising is done through various WhatsApp groups and you pick up from chatter in some groups that there's a lot of other groups you're not privy to.

It got me down when lockdown started lifting but I've come to terms with it. I still have enough friends to keep me busy, I'm just picking and choosing who I see, I have plans to do some more things next year which should expand my social circle

@Cruddles What are you thinking of doing?

I know what you mean, but then I decided that I prefer it that way.

If I’m always organising things, then they’re always to my liking. I get to choose exactly who/what/when/where. I never have to feel obliged to go along with other people’s plans.

When I want to do something, I do it, with the people I choose to do it with.

OP, I used to be the same. Are they "really" your friends? If you ever got yourself in some troubles or problems and needed them, just remember that they will "not" be there for you.

Everything you want to know about people is hidden in their actions or lack of actions. Stop planning anything and concentrate on you.

I was in the same position and it made me feel like they didn't really want to be friends, as friends want to do things so will also come up with things to do. I pulled back and stopped and this has resulted in me never seeing anyone. It's a double edged sword, I could suck it up reach out and they would probably agree to do something but I would feel like it was out of politeness and not because they were interested in being real friends. I have found myself in this position because I moved away from my old friends and have had to try to make new ones and I obviously haven't been successful. If you could try to make new friends, you might meet people who will meet your needs or you can accept that for you to continue having people to do things with, it's you that will have to be the organiser.

@Buffett I feel if I pulled back I probably wouldn't see them again. I did that with one friend... we last spoke in 2016. She sees other friends all the time, so I finally saw where I stood.

I think I need to stop overthinking things, and accept being an organiser, and not feel insecure about whether they like me or not.

The thing is I'm not a loner, I like going out and doing things and meeting people. Being on my own makes me miserable, and if I don't arrange things, I don't do ANYTHING. Not arranging things isn't an option.

It’s hard but I think you need to make new friends. It doesn’t have to be a 50/50 split. I will be happy to organise on a 70/30 basis as long as my friends do something.

Re the group thing, it’s so annoying. Depends on what the rules of the group are. Seems like it’s an “everybody must be present” type group.

I think the friend who shut down meeting up does has an "everyone has to be present" mentality. Which in lots of circumstances is lovely, but in others not so great! Sometimes it's just not feasible.

Have you tried meetup.com or any other regular drop-in event like a book club? You get your socialising fix without the hard work of organising.

Recently I’ve implemented a 3 strikes rule with new friends. So I will invite you out 3 times and if you don’t reciprocate after that, I won’t bother contacting you again. Same for contact. I have got myself into one-sided friendships before and I’m trying to learn from my mistakes.

Yea I feel like this and I hate it. I stopped contacting a few people and now the relationship has completely gone. Can’t be sad though as in retrospect I think they were probably trying to end the friendship anyway.

I get fed up of being the one to try, but like you said it’s likely that if you don’t do it other people won’t step up and things will just drift.

I don’t understand not meeting up because everyone isn’t available if they’re on holiday. I understand trying to get a date everyone can do but surely other can meet up while people are on holiday??!!

@Lonoxo

Have you tried meetup.com or any other regular drop-in event like a book club? You get your socialising fix without the hard work of organising.

Recently I’ve implemented a 3 strikes rule with new friends. So I will invite you out 3 times and if you don’t reciprocate after that, I won’t bother contacting you again. Same for contact. I have got myself into one-sided friendships before and I’m trying to learn from my mistakes.

3 strikes is a great idea. I do understand people have a lot going on and might not make contact again for a variety of reasons but I don’t feel I can hold up relationships.

@Lonoxo I've tried meetup a few times, but ended up feeling anxious about it and stopped. I might try again.

Bookclubs... I joined on about a 40 minute drive away but it was a hassle to get to. I set one up in my village, but the parish council got its claws into it and there was too much small village drama involved so I stopped going! I'm really sad because I was made to feel very uncomfortable by a couple of people who lived breathed and ate village politics because they thought because I wasn't super involved in village politics, I wasn't the right person to run it. I bloody set it up! Aaaaaaaand .....breathe! You're right, I need to re-join another book club when this bloody corona thing settles down.

@wigglerose I'm hoping to move house in the next 6 months, not a huge change in distance but slightly further out from my current life. Once set up I'll look to join a social cricket team, its worked wonders for me in the past

If you're doing all the work, then they're not the friends you think they are. You may be more invested in them than they are in you.

I refuse to do it. Early on, if they don't reciprocate I realise I'm more invested than they are. And I let the friendship possibility just go!

@oblomov20 @johnsonsfiat The thing is, with all my friends, I'm the one who arranges things. It's always been like that. There's one I got fed up of always organising things so I stopped. Last saw her in 2016!
With everyone I know, if I didn't arrange anything... I'd be hanging out with my husband every weekend. He's lovely, but I want some friends too.
What's wrong with me? I think I'm a nice person.

One is refusing to meet up in person because we can't ALL meet up this drive me bonkers, my mummy friends are like this and it makes me feel like it's all fake and we aren't nearly as close as everyone pretends we are!! What is wrong with 1:1 time, especially during corona... urgh so annoying.

No advice op, I've experienced similar. Its very frustrating but all there is to do is keep trying really.

I guess you're right @rvby Maybe I'm weird in that I don't mind if people from a group meet up together? Maybe they want to do something and no-one else does, maybe they're free and no-one else is, these things happen and if you only meet up all together you'd be meeting up once every three years!

My DH and I were discussing this because I said it was getting me down a bit. He said he was in the same boat, except a lot of his friends frequently don't even respond when he tries to organise something . We counted one person we know who organises things! I think it's just the type of people we are, and then our friends get used to it and it's role we fulfill in the group.

They might not want to come out on a weekend if they consider that to be family time. Conversely, they might not want to come out on a week night because of work.
If they want to come they'll come. No point stressing about something you have no control over.