Can’t stop feeling angry with sister

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18 months ago my ex asked me to leave and take my 10yo son with me (not his dad). I was devastated and struggled to function for a while, as I had stupidly believed this man was my soulmate 😬

We met after I’d left an abusive man, and moved into his home quite quickly (I know, I know.) Everything seemed perfect. He said we would definitely get married and have kids, we went on holidays with my son and things were amazing.

After a year I suggested we start trying for a baby as I was 32 nearly 33. He had been suggesting baby names and sorting out the spare room as a nursery. All of a sudden he did a total u turn. He said he didn’t want kids, and doesn’t understand why anyone would have them. He’d also become offish with my Son, never wanted to spend time with him and was jealous if my son cuddled me on the sofa or wanted me in the night if he had a bad dream.

He then decided he never wanted to get married.

When we first met he told me a couple of things that at the time I didn’t worry about. Firstly, his sister in law who lived 3 doors down from us, had got drunk one night and come to his house and kissed him. He said they had been messaging prior to this but nothing flirty 🤔 and when his brother found out and wanted to see the messages, they had both deleted them. (This was all before we were together)

Secondly a 15 year old girl working at the chip shop opposite our house had a crush on him, and he had been warned by the owner of the shop to not ‘lead her on’ by being a bit too friendly and touchy feely. She also had a key to his house because she walked his dog. When I came on the scene she barely spoke to me which I put down to a child having a crush and being jealous of a partner.

Other little things were weird like he always assumed the 11/12year old girl next door had a crush on him too. He always said he’s just really friendly and people tell him he’s flirty but that he doesn’t realise he’s doing it.

One year at a drunken party he was picking my sister up and swinging her around, I got quite annoyed as he virtually ignored me all night. My sister was lonely and had few friends so my ex took her ‘under his wing’ and was messaging her quite a lot. I told him to be careful because she might get the wrong idea. He also used to invite her to stay over at ours and I wasn’t that comfortable about it because me and her have never been close.

He also told me his ex always moaned at him for flirting with her sister but he said ‘were family, she’s like my little sister.’ But then admits to me that he fancied her and that she undressed in front of him ‘one time.’

Oh this is so awful but his younger half sister who was 13 when I met him, used to run up to him and throw her legs around his waist and if we went to a family party she would always be sitting on his lap. I asked a colleague once if she thought this was weird because it just made me feel icky. He also said himself that he would have to stop cuddling her when she developed ‘boobs.’ 😬

When me and ex split, he went missing for a few days and I was so worried. My sister lied to me and said she didn’t know where he’d gone, but she did know. When I found out I was so upset and confronted her, to which she lashed out at me saying ‘I can’t fix all your problems.’ Then didn’t speak to me for several weeks.

I also had messages since we split from my friends, my sisters friends, work colleagues and neighbours about him sending them flirty messages while he had been with me.

My dad told me yesterday, since I was still feeling low and devastated 18 months later, that my ex had been ‘trying it on big time’ with my sister and even said to her ‘I chose the wrong sister.’ I know I should feel like I’ve had a lucky escape but I feel so hurt and humiliated still. When I asked my sister if anything had ever happened she refused to discuss it and just said ‘he needs to grow up.’ I’m so hurt by her. I’ve helped her out a lot in the past, and the one time I needed her support she wasn’t there, and apparently was at least leading him on and not telling me what a sleaze he was! I was following this guy around like a love sick puppy in front of so many people who knew!

Today, my car broke down, I’m a single parent I lost my job, and I find out the only man I’ve ever really adored and thought loved me at the time, actually wanted my sister. My sister also said she might give me her car as she barely uses it, but then changed her mind and said she needs it, so I need to find a new car ASAP. My parents always defend her and say ‘oh it was nice of her to
Offer though’ and claim my sister did nothing wrong with my ex and that if she had told me at the time, I wouldn’t have listened. She didn’t want to ‘get involved.’ 😔

This relationship left some big scars for me. I found out after we split that my ex had strung his ex along for 12 years always telling her they’d get married and have kids ‘one day.’

I wish all this stuff made me hate him. My sister has got a lovely man, great job and I just feel like I’m at the bottom of the pile. I feel so low right now. Like the happiest time of my life is not only over, but was probably a sham

Not just mates, my family really liked him too. even random extended family like uncles and cousins would all say he’s such a nice bloke, finally found a good one etc. My son didn’t like him but my ex was strict with him, so again I thought he cared about my son enough to have rules etc especially as it was his house.

That makes it hard- any doubts that you probably had were undermined by the fact that your family and friends thought he was great. I promise there’s much better for you out there 💐💐

Yeah, and considering they all kept saying how great he was especially compared to the guy beforehand, I felt I was lucky to have found him 😔
Thank you

I’ve been there and it sucks. I can remember my ex was always horrible to me behind closed doors but lovely in front of family etc. One day we went to my parents after he’d been really nasty and so I was quite short with him. My dad said I was treating him like crap and it made me feel like I was the horrible one! (He eventually showed his true colours do they can see it now.) you WILL get past this 💐💐

Thank you so much for that! Makes me feel less alone

It’s the trauma of your RS with your DM and her behaviour / actions that have wounded you deeply and left you v vulnerable that you need to focus on, resolve and heal within yourself as this is what is leaving you wide open to toxic relationships.

I’ve often thought this 😔

What he said to your sister was just a line. I bet he’s said all sorts to all sorts of girls go get their attention. Don’t worry about your sister - if she’s told you at the time would you have listened or would you have thought she was jealous. It’s this man who has mucked you around. I’m sorry please put him in the past and move on so you can meet someone truly lovely. Good luck.

Op - I have three sisters. And in life whenever they have met someone who shows red flags to us - my mum and I discuss what we should do about it. In most cases we have decided that by telling one of my sisters we are concerned about their partner..that by doing so we risk that sister choosing their partner and no longer feeling like they can talk to us or get help from us. Unless it was something really bad (like one sisters husband was proven to be a serial cheat while she was at work), with continued to show support for their choice - so they can feel they can come to us if they need to.

You need to do some more therapy.

You did see the red flags at the time but you chose to stay with him because going along with his version of events meant you could stay with him instead of having to leave, or as you saw it 'giving up' the 'only man you ever adored.'

The reality is you have a child and you knew that he was showing a pattern of inappropriate dynamics with women including young girls (age 11-15 in your examples) and his defence was that he's naturally flirty... being naturally flirty should have no bearing on any interactions with children.

I really think that due to your misplaced anger with your sister, despite having so many other examples of his behaviour that you ignored, you need more counselling before you even consider dating again.

Especially because you have a child. You need to keep him safe. And that includes things like - what if he had started to have friends over for tea when he was aged 11-15? Your ex would have interacted with them in a 'flirty' way - which I presume means he talks to them in a way that makes them feel grown up and admired aka grooming - and that would have gone on under your roof and he would have been able to explain it away because you didn't want to lose him and he knew that.

You can never again allow yourself to be in a relationship where your partner believes it to be true that they can push boundaries, explain it away and you'll accept blatant lies because you don't want to leave.

I'm so sorry about your previous abusive relationship but lots more work to be done on protecting yourself and your son longer term - it'll be worth it.

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape from him hes' a waste of space! Be thankful he's gone!

You might be a bit said now but give it a few weeks and you'll be so happy you're not with him anymore and you'll wonder why you ever cared about him.

You’re 100% spot on and I dread to think what more could have gone on that I may have turned a blind eye to. I really do need lots more therapy to prevent this kind of man ever being in our lives again

Thank you so much for this

The night he asked me to leave I did see the mask slip, I saw a very cold person, and I even said to him that he’s not the nice guy he pretends to be and that everyone thinks he is. I guess I’ve been trying to heal all this time and been afraid to really think about how awful he actually was

I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. As others have said, you’ve had a lucky escape. Try not let this person occupy your thoughts. I know it’s really hard not to dwell, but don’t allow him to take up residence in your brain.

It would be unfair to put all the blame on your sister, but if I was in your position I would be really angry with her too, and would not be able to trust her again. Hopefully she will realise the damage she’s done and will try to repair it.

If you haven’t already, it might be a good idea to contact your local NHS IAPT (talking therapy) service. They can help with anxiety, depression and PTSD.

I really hope things improve for you x

Thank you I think that’s what’s getting me irritated and depressed because I can’t forget the good times and I know that’s stupid but it was the first time i ever felt loved.
My sister and I always had a fractious relationship anyway and she would never admit to doing anything wrong nor apologise to me. When she lied to me and I called her out in the lie, she lost her temper at me (which she’d never done before) And I ended up apologising to her?!
One day I hope we can patch things up and yes she’s definitely not the one who should shoulder all the blame.
I definitely will investigate therapy options today as I really am struggling at the moment

Look up books on Codependency. Melody Beattie is one author who wrote Codependecy No More. You learned patterns of responding from your own childhood, likely from your mother, but these can be unlearned. You put your own needs aside in order to accommodate the other person. You have learned to be a caretaker and feel responsible for everyone's feelings. It's likely you struggle to get angry with men because you got the message from childhood that women need to put men's needs before their own if they want to be loved.
A narcisstic man feels very comfortable wuth a woman who is very accommodating and has no needs or demands of her own.
The woman runs around working harder and harder to please him. She dismisses her own needs and rights (and sometimes her children's needs and rights) to ensure the relationship works at any price.
There's nothing bad or wrong about you. Once you learn about these patterns and notice your own part in it, you can make better choices and will feel stronger and freer to decide how you want things to be.

Take heart. You are beginning a new chapter in your life.

Thank you 😊
The ‘abusive’ ex was a definite narcissist, he’s even been diagnosed which is rare and was proud of it.
I didn’t see the next one coming but I think he definitely had traits.
I am 💯 sure I have followed the pattern of my mum. The way she behaves with men now even in her sixties is shocking and embarrassing, she is a literal door mat and has no respect from our family anymore. Her mother before her was the same.
I’m desperate to stop the cycle with me.
I will look those resources up thank you.
I have so much shame attached to how I behaved in that relationship and I guess I’m looking for somewhere to shift that shame. I wish my sister would’ve helped me more in the breakup tho as I was completely devastated and she didn’t even come and see me or offer to help in any way, so I guess I blame her for being a ice queen as well.
I have to work on myself and what I can do better though and stop focusing on my ex and my sister.
I feel like I was a really dreadful mum for a long time and that I can’t fix it. My son obvs felt like things weren’t right, and that my ex didn’t like him towards the end. I did keep telling my ex that he needed to try harder with my boy and do things with him, it’s not like I just accepted it though.

So you dated a paedophile and ignored it, despite knowing, and are mad at your sister instead. Righto.

I made that mistake op coming out of an abusive relationship too. I met a man (who was in no way like your most recent ex) but because he didnt abuse me or beat me I thought he was good enough for me. He wasnt, he was selfish, unreliable and emotionally unavailable.
This is when I realised that just because they arent abusive twats doesnt mean they are worthy of your time. OP you cant keep beating yourself up about what you didnt do then. Just realise the mistakes you made, thank god that now it's over you can see past the fog of lies that he isnt a very nice man and quite possibly has issues that lean towards peadophillia.
Accept the mistakes you made, acknowledge why you made them and then put the work in to prevent that situation ever occurring again. Once that's been done you can move on.
Boundaries, being able to trust your gut when you know something is wrong and learning how to then react accordingly are all things that abusive relationships make it near on impossible to achieve. You need to get to the point where those are weapons in your armoury again. Glad to hear you are going through more therapy, if you put the work in the results will be tremendous for both yourself and your son as well as any future relationships you may have.

So sorry you went thru that as well
Thank you for that advice 😊

I really feel for you OP, I've done the frying pan to fire move too, abusive relationships really mess up your boundaries and you can't see past the mask.

Don't beat yourself up about your sister, just because he's a sleaze doesn't mean she acted for the best either. I mean, if everyone is telling you after the fact what he was like she probably knew too. Doesn't sound like she's got your back. She's not responsible for his behaviour but she is for her own.

I would turn all your attention inwards and stop analysing the past altogether. It's not good for you to dwell on what people did or didn't do, even if you're right. Best vengeance is to live a happy life or whatever the saying is. It's so true.

Also, you're really not on the bottom of the pile, there is no pile. Just because a couple seem happy doesn't mean both of them really are on the inside. Bottom line is we can only look after our own feelings and model good decisions and that's something wa can all work on so...no pile, just humans doing what they can

Thank you 😊
You’re so right, I’ve probably got way too much time on my hands with no job, studies don’t start til September, so I’ve got time to sit here and stew.

I also never got the chance to tell him how I felt at the end, it all finished really suddenly, and I’ve often felt like I’m numb and emotionally stuck back to that night he ended it, like I haven’t processed it at all. I almost lived in denial for a while afterward thinking he would ask me to come back.

I really need to move past this because it’s poisoning me, and that’s no good for my son. I’m barely emotionally here. Just going through the motions and feeling no joy. I just feel like I’ll never be happy/trust anyone again. I know I can be happy without a partner as I’ve done so before, I guess this time it’s different but that’s partly because I’m isolated with no job or mates 😬

I wish my sister would’ve helped me more in the breakup tho as I was completely devastated and she didn’t even come and see me or offer to help in any way,

I suspect she was delighted the relationship was over.

There were loads of red flags they you ignored. I don't think you would have listened if she told you either and would have labelled her as jealous of your perfect man.

You moving in so quick just added to your issues...moving your son in with a man so quickly was a bad choice.

Start looking inwardly and focus on yourself, not your sister. You ignored the issues with this Ex and that's nobody else's fault. He clearly has a thing for very young girls.

OP, now might be a good time to focus on the relationship with your young son.

In terms of red flags, moving in quite quickly with a man your son didn't like is concerning. Could you go back and do the FP again?

It must feel lonely now, but you it won't be like this forever.

The thing is, if you did meet someone now it would be from a place of vulnerability, which tends to attract the wrong kind of men, like fake white knights (read possessive and controlling) and sweep you off your feet types. Not good.

So see this as a blank sheet, a chance to learn about yourself and about boundaries. Have loads of cuddles and fun with your DC and don't slip into comparing yourself to others. Find a strong female role model for yourself, even if it's a fictional character, someone with solid values that you would look up to and want to be.
If you haven't read the Lundy book "Why does he do that?" I really recommend it. Good luck with your fresh start.