Staying for the children ?

[wtpwtp]

I think I know the answer to this one,but here goes, been married to dh for 15 yrs, have 3 children, ds3 possibly not dh's , but dh doesnt know,still see other friend but not as a relationship, only occasionally,
dh has been confronting me as to whether i love him, and I dont think I do, but dont want to wreck my childrens lives by admitting it, it gets worse, as friend (possible father to ds3 )is married as well,I know I dont deserve any sympathy and will probably be shot down in flames, but cant talk to anyone in real life.

do you stay for the children raises complex questions requiring nuanced answers. but it doesn't sound like you're at the stage of asking that yet. ask instead the question do you work hard at your marriage for your children and it's a no brainer. imho only when you have exhausted all the working hard options can you start to think about leaving.

I think I have worked hard, done most of the child caring as well as part time work, dh hasnt really been there for me or the children at all for the last few years, only now is he making an effort(in his opinion) and even now its me up with ds3 as hes awake again. But then again maybe I dont try hard enough, according to dh I should show him more love, really hard when everything he does winds me up

I think the working hard hatwoman was referring to was possibly more directed at working hard at your marriage. at your relationship. not in the literal sense of 'working' at bringing the children and doing the housework etc...

Have you thought of maybe going to relate? Do you and your Dh talk and communicate about how you feel? this is the first thing you can do.. and probably the most important thing too... break down of relationships can almost without exception be traced back to a fundamental lack of understanding of each other and each others needs and feelings... so... how can you know what you both need or feel if you dont talk openly about it. relate can offer you a good neatural place and safe environment to do this difficult talking sometimes, if it is not easy to do at home or in general daily life... the councillors can guide you and help you to find a way to communicate with each other..

perhaps it is worth exploring these issues first, so that on the future, you cna look back and know you really have done EVERYTHING possible to save your marriage, even if it still ends up with you separating.

As for staying 'just for the kids' well.. they are pretty canny when it comes to watching and learning from the dynamics of their parents relationships. They will never thank either of you for bringing them up in an unhappy home, and for sacrificing either of your happiness just for them. If it means they live in a happy home, with only one of you, you may find they are happier and more balanced than if you continue to live in an environment where there is angst and unhappiness... imho...

i do recommend going to Relate or some kind of councelling. maybe even going yourself, so you can talk about your affair, and the burdon that must be placing on you... it cannot be helping you to keep it all in. you cannot think clearly about your marriage if that is hanging over you constantly... councelling for you may also help you find why that happened in the first place, if you dont already know...

hope this helps a little.

if everything he does winds you up and you have cheated on him doesnt sound much like you love him do you think you would be happy just to stay for the kids?