Tell me about how you moved on from divorce at 60

[Allbymyself2020]

Asking for your pearls of wisdom....finding this a bit hard to explain what I’m afraid of really...but I am getting quite anxious and down facing up to reality

Married for 30 years, nearly 60 ...just decided with husband that we need to separate. I’ve been his carer for a long time and my social life has been limited

I’ve never lived anywhere longer than 12 years ( all over England). I Don’t find it easy making friends and have just a couple of close old girl friends that I don’t see that often due to distance. I am a hobby person and do attend some regular meet-ups with likeminded women since I retired last year ( before covid stopped that), but always feel outsider as they’re all local and known each other for years. I don’t want to get into dating/relationships with men (had enough for now🙄).

I am also thinking of moving to another new area as never really took to here when we moved 8 years ago. ( we should each have the money to buy a modest home after divorce so housing isn’t an issue)

I am by nature an introvert, but I am concerned that I will get lonely and isolated without deep friendships. I don’t normally, but it’s more a fear of unknown as I have never lived by myself at all (shared houses before I married)

So, any advice from older divorced women...do you get lonely? how do you manage that? Do you miss the companionship of having someone in the house, even if you were glad to separate? How do you overcome that? What did you find most challenging about living on your own suddenly later in life?

Any advice from anyone of how they integrated into a new area and formed friendships at this age?

( I am not an animal person to have as company btw😔)

Thank you mners

I am sorry I can't tell you "how" she did it but what I can tell you is my MIL divorced at 63 after 41 years of marriage and two children and she seems to have had the time of her life. The one thing she did do was sell the marital home (she got all of it) ASAP. The old house held too many memories. She died in her 90s and once told me the last 1/3 of her life was way better than the previous 2/3rds. All I'm really saying is that it is possible to move not only onwards but also upwards.

Oh yes, she was a hobby person too and joined every group that was involved with one of her hobbies in a 30 mile radius. It wasn't to make friends she said, it was to give her a reason to get out of the flat and actually go somewhere (other than the shops). The fact that some involved a lengthy bus trip just added to it.

Oh, no, you don't want an animal - you need to be free to socialise at the drop of a hat!

Join things - groups, classes. Go to events. Follow up anything that even vaguely interests you. Always smile, always say something more than necessary, just a pleasantry, nothing major. You're going to have a great time.

Just in case you do have lonely moments - make your bed your haven. Set it up exactly as you like it. Learn to indulge yourself.

Percy Kirk: that’s a great point about just getting out the house....hadn’t thought of that

It sounds like you have a great opportunity to move somewhere you want to be and in a house that suits you. You can decorate it how you want and do what you want with your time. If you are worried about being lonely join everything connected with your hobby when you arrive. Look around and see what community stuff is happening. Is there a national trust property or similar you can volunteer at? Is there a community litter pick or local church that organises community engagement? Maybe local schools need people to hear children read post Covid. There is always lots to do if you look for it. I'm naturally shy but an extrovert and need to be around people so I'm aware that it's hard work at times but it does pay off and gets you out and saves on the heating!

Oh and the having someone around the house thing. It is odd to start with and I found myself talking to the cat a lot to start with as I'm an external processor but honestly it is great once you get over the initial shock. I could do what I wanted when I wanted, eat what I wanted when I wanted and there was no man cluttering up the place, being late and grumping.

In a long marriage there will be somethings he did that you need to learn to do or find someone else to do that. I got a gardener for the heavy work in the garden. Also if there is an emergency there is only one of you so I created my emergency kit of torch, candles and matches on each floor and went out and bought replacements for the tools he took with him.

It takes time and there are ups and downs but day to day my life is a lot easier than it was. I was married for 30 years when he left.

I think that your age is irrelevant

I've moved around
I've lived on my own & shared

Last time I moved for work related reasons
I've joined some local hobby clubs
Visited some of the local tourist attractions
Enjoyed local & further away walks
I used to travel abroad lots, but that is currently on hold due to the virus

I have volunteered in the past, but I am not currently

I have enjoyed exploring a new area
I keep myself busy

Depending on what property that you buy, you could rent a room to a lodger. Or do a house swap with someone in another country.

I would make a list of things that you want to do & do them

I've possibly got another move on the horizon myself in the next few months

I really loved my husband but also really hated him because he was so very selfish and so it was a shock when he left. He asked to come back several times but I said no, I won't tolerate someone who walks out on me leaving a big mess behind, it's yet more selfish behaviour.
I downsized and moved across the UK. I love it here but I too am an introvert.
I am friendly with the neighbours who are all my age, so I have someone to talk to on a day to day basis.
I never say no, if I get an invite I go even if I don't feel like it, I've joined all the local clubs and societies just to get out of the house and I work full time so have made friends there.
I don't worry about making friends because it's just one more worry for me. I just go out and if I make a friend incidentally then great.
Its really important not to isolate yourself because that is very very easy to do.
I'm thinking about doing some dating but I'm not sure yet.

How did I move on ? Got more invested in existing friendships , travelled abroad alone , did some volunteer work and made new friends through that , went to exercise classes and went to events through Meet Up. For me it was always lonely at home despite the cat and there was nothing worse than facing that weekend on your own knowing that you may not speak to anyone until Monday unless you made an effort . I knew I wanted to meet someone again and I did OLD and am now remarried . My life is so much better than all that went before .

THank you very one with your positive stories....
Viva...what is Meet Up?

In terms of budgeting on your own...taking housing costs asides, did you find it a struggle post divorce?

did you sort of stick to your same routines in terms of daily living eg regular mealtimes...or did you swap to a completely random do what I want when I want?

I'm an introvert too OP - late 60's, divorced now for almost 10 yrs - I've had less then a year here on my own but I loved it. My adult DC have returned home with limited job prospects due to COVID and I'm fantasising about a hermitage on a remote island with just me and the animals plus a good internet connection!

I can honestly say I don't know what it means to be lonely - maybe I'm more of an introvert than you, but I love my own company. I have lots of hobbies, all of which have now gone online, so I have zoom classes and meet ups for them. I enjoyed the face to face classes when they happened, and was out for part of most days, but always happy to get back home ...

Please just find your own level of social contact and don't think you HAVE to meet up with people to be happy.

Post divorce budgeting took a while to settle down. It is obvious to say that one income is less than two but I did spend less so it isn't as bad as I expected. I'm mostly vegetarian and cook from scratch so the big weekly shop is a thing if the past. I don't eat out so that is another cost saved. Sometimes I resent having to shop around and buy in sales rather than just go out and get what I want but it is OK. I'm looking at Christmas presents now to spread the cost which some days makes me cross that I have to, and other days it means December will be easier. I think maybe I'm still working it out.

@Allbymyself2020

In terms of budgeting on your own...taking housing costs asides, did you find it a struggle post divorce?

did you sort of stick to your same routines in terms of daily living eg regular mealtimes...or did you swap to a completely random do what I want when I want?

I changed routines so eg got up in the morning , made my cuppa and took it back to bed and used that as a time to connect with people through Messenger etc .

IME being on your own at this age is easier. When you're younger you may have the opportunity to meet people through your children but they are often tied up with family activities at the weekends when you can notice being on your own more.

Older people do seem to organise and attend groups/societies more and are more likely to do things independently of their DH/DP. Plus with divorce and bereavement there are more singles looking for entertainment rather than dating.

I saw that many women of my mother's generation discovered that their lives expanded hugely once they were single and that inspired me. Not having to compromise or not do something in order to accommodate the wishes of dh/dc is hugely liberating. Time to put yourself first.

Hi all, thanks for the encouraging advice...it’s very reassuring💐