Will life get better after divorce?

[Isreeh]

Hi All, I have started a couple of discussion on MN regarding my situation. Recap: Married in 2017, did IVF and had a MC in March 2018, DH started an affair in the same year and blamed me. We tried counselling in 2019 to resolve issues but was not successful as he wasn't as committed as me plus kept a 'On/Off' relationship with the OW.

I've now taken the brave step to divorce him, but I started getting cold feet and worried will I meet someone again. Just silly doubts in my head and slightly panicked that I am doing this. Most of you already told me I am doing the right thing with a divorce but why does it feel so sad? I am worried at 46 will I meet someone again, will I have a child? My self esteem is low and I guess I wanted to see how other's dealt with the same or similar situations. x

He had an affair and blamed you... that's not nice?

I suppose, if you get a divorce it doesn't guarantee happiness. It doesn't guarantee that you will meet someone else or have a baby but it does mean that you can make choices alone. I don't know if divorce is always the answer. Esther Peter says sometimes we have many relationships over our lifetime and some people have these many relationships with the same person

@threesecrets thanks for commenting. I agree with your statement but he agrees divorce is the right thing. He doesn't want a marriage with a family. He is a selfish individual who wasted 5 years of my life.
The thing is I cannot force him to be with me, and he has done nothing to really be accountable for his actions. He blames he that I made the MC about me so he decided to seek comfort in another woman's arms. All BS really but still hurtful he's no longer the man I once married and loved. x

How are doing today? You are so much braver than me for making the steps. I am the opposite. Desperately don't want to divorce but think my DH is planning it behind my back. Just feeling desperately sad.

Feeling sad even when you know it's the right decision is still completely normal. I had some counselling to help me make the decision and I know it's right but as my counsellor explained, you still need to grieve. You're grieving the life you had and the life you thought you would have. It's a huge life changing experience.
But can life after divorce get better? I'm just at the start of the process so not sure yet, but as hard as it is at times, I am most definitely happier.

Yes it absolutely will get better. But you’re in the trenches right now, so don’t force yourself to see the silver lining. Divorce is something to get through. It’s tough in the best of circumstances.

Just be good to yourself right now.

@threesecrets, I’m a bit better today thx. Like you I don’t want to divorce but I can’t see any other way forward. We tried counselling, speaking to friends/family for all of 2019 but none of it worked. The issue is that the OW will always be in the background and he’s now changed his tune about having a family. She’s manipulated him to think the worst about me, he’s taken in her dog and let her stay at the house because she was kicked out of her rented flat. We’ve been apart for 1 year and 8 months so not lived together because of his on/off relationship. I refuse to be part of this toxic triangle. He needed to choose and he chose to divorce. Either way, I’m forced into a decision which is hard. For me marriage meant for life, to until your DH find someone else to mess around with.

As for your situation, I’m really sorry. It’s so tough and shit but I’d have a honest frank chat with him. If you think he’s planning it behind your back then my advice would be to get all your ducks in order. Get some free legal advice (most solicitors give 30 mins free). Check your finances etc. Why do you think he’s planning to divorce you? And on what grounds. X

@Worakls @TheStoic thank you. It’s sad and I am frightened but I’ve no other choice left. I feel like taking a leaf out of Adele’s book, loose weight and create a new life.

For me my self confidence is low, I don’t feel attractive but rather rejected and worried about who I’ll meet next. The only good thing is I can control my own life and choices. X

Well I'm divorced twice and I made the right decision to divorce both of them because they were not good enough to start with.
You have to look at your current relationship and decide whether you like this man enough to be with - there should be no doubts and you should not stay with him because you are afraid of being alone or want a child.
I'm currently single and a bit pissed off because I'd like a boyfriend to go out with and go on holidays with but I don't want to get married again and it is hard finding somebody when you are older.
I have a few friends in their 40's who have had babies on their own via donor and they are very happy indeed.
I'm happy alone generally but I have my moments.

I am mainly worried about being alone and coping with a completely different life. I will be fine but not leading the life I thought I would be in terms of financial stability. I also wanted another child. He has a carrier bag that he uses for his man bag and when I was sorting I found pieces of paper in there with Information about divorce and calculations etc. I've also found print offs of various flats to rent from right move.

@threesecrets, have you both not been happy? I get how you feel about being alone and having a different life to the one planned.
Why does he use a carrier bag as a man bag? Maybe he had intentions for you to find it? Are the flat one/two beds? I assume if it was only for him it would be one bad unless he wants a spare room for your child.
Either way, I would still advice you get yourself some legal advice so you are one step ahead if he tries to surprise you! Obviously he is not happy, have you tried counselling etc?

@madcatladyforever, thanks for responding. To answer your question, well I think if he was the man I once loved and married then yes I could spend the rest of my life with him. However, the way he is right now with the OW I could not. He's never been committed to me or the marriage enough to cut her out of his life.

I am worried if I will meet someone again, but like you I don't want to rush into marriage but a good partner/boyfriend would be ideal.x

The carrier bag thing probably stems from his upbringing of using the cheapest things possible even though financially well off. It's a bit weird. He has other bags but chooses a carrier bag. It would be an issue if I raised it so I won't. We have a good household income but he will buy e chrapest aldi shampoo etc. He doesn't like 'nice' things and I end up feeling guilty for my nice Neals Yard. We are chalk and cheese in that respect!

They are 2 beds. He won't want to give up DD.

I know for certain she would be very very against the family splitting. She is very pro family. If I suggest an activity she always says can we do it as a family or let's have a family cuddle. It would break her if we split. There is nothing that could convince me that splitting is better than staying together

Also I don't feel I'm necessarily in a relationship with him (basically because he is so distant and just can't open up - he doesn't actually have any friends). I don't feel unhappy or ecstatic. I'm just settled. I don't want to be unsettled. The grass is. Or greener for me

@threesecrets I can see your point of not rocking the boat for your DD. It’s tough because it would mean a massive change for you and this is why lots of us stay in unhappy marriages. It’s being complacent rather than risking. I get how you feel and I think I’d be inclined like you to stay until he says something. But I’d definitely still get some legal advice. It does sound like he’s planning something so unless you can work it out and even suggest marriage counselling he might still drop it on you. X