Do DH actions speak louder than words

[trying606]

My H does little to help me with housework or childcare and doesn’t understand why I feel under appreciated because he tells me I am doing a good job. He hardly even spends any quality time with the DC.

I feel like if he truly understood the value in what I do then he would help out more to give me some time to myself for a change.

I’ve posted about his drinking before, I guess it is similar with that, has been saying he’ll change for years and is still drinking, still trying to hide empties etc. Maybe it’s because of this, I just don’t place any value on the words he says because how can I trust them?!

I realised recently that the last handful of social things I’ve tried to do with other people (ie not him), he has ruined in some way or another. Even something as simple as going for coffee with my friend. And I never go out really, because of this drinking I don’t trust him.

I am making plans to leave but the speech he’s given me about I should be grateful And I am appreciated are making me doubt myself.

Ha. Grateful for what. His actions tell you the words are lies.

Actions always speak louder than words in my opinion

You're appreciated as you do everything and are always there! However saying he appreciates you is easy and, as you have indicated, he doesn't back it up with actions does he? It's all talk so nothing will change. Sounds like you can't live with that so I'd continue making plans to leave.

I’ve been searching for jobs and getting my CV out there, he knows I’m doing this, but hasn’t once asked how it’s going or read the job descriptions. Similar when I’m ill too, seldom asks how I am and just expects me to get on with all the jobs or whatever we had planned.

For the last couple of years, he’d told me that I was the problem, and even blamed me for his drinking. I don’t understand what he can’t see I was feel pissed off and completely not appreciated.

The point is he doesn’t give a toot how you feel. His priorities are his own comfort and alcohol. Possibly not in that order. You don’t count at all.

He tells you that you are appreciated but does nothing to demonstrate that. Words are cheap. As long as he can keep you running his house, he will do. Quietly undermining you and telling you how grateful you should be, is just his way of sapping your confidence and making you more likely to stay.
Drunks think only of themselves. If you can’t persuade him to leave, get yourself and the dcs away before he wrecks your life and theirs.

I don’t think you are confused, I think you are stuck in a cycle of handwringing.

He appreciates that as long as you are around, he can get away without being a parent and a supportive partner but that’s as far as his appreciation/ entitlement goes.

Base your decisions on who he is now, not some future version you desperately want him to be. The balls in your court, not his.

So he's a lazy unhelpful uncaring drunk who actively prevents you from enjoying yourself, and moreover has persistent (if not true) complaints about you but hasn't the backbone to put his money where his mouth is and leave.

He literally doesn’t realise the effect it has on me, he still thinks he is being helpful and that the drinking doesn’t seep into every other part of our lives like it is a binary thing.

He shouldn't feel (probably fake anyway) 'grateful' for what you do, because that should be a team effort rather than you doing all the things and him sitting back comfortable and feeling supposedly grateful.

And of course you can't trust him and his drinking has a major effect.

Time to make plans to separate from him IMO.

He says he doesn’t know why he doesn’t help with the home and childcare stuff, he says he knows he should but then doesn’t.

Maybe this is irrelevant anyway because his drinking is what has driven the wedge between us. I suppose maybe I thought seeing as he knows he is being shit with his drinking he might actually do other things to try and make up for it. I’m exhausted with it all tbh.

Like PP said, you appear to be stuck in a cycle of handwringing.. It’s beyond time to leave and not waste yet another day analysing his incompetence.

This is who he is..

@trying606

He literally doesn’t realise the effect it has on me, he still thinks he is being helpful and that the drinking doesn’t seep into every other part of our lives like it is a binary thing.

Oh, he knows.

He just doesn't care.