Ending a Marriage when Penniless

[WinifredTorrance]

This is going to be quite long so I really appreciate anyone who reads it and can offer any advice.

I left my husband (of 11 years) yesterday after a big row two days previous. I believed (and still do) that he attempted to touch me sexually while he thought I was asleep. He maintains he didn’t think I was asleep (so not to dripfeed, he was deliberately slow and careful, completely silent and froze when I shuffled - all odd). I asked him to leave and threatened to call the police if he didn’t. He refused to leave. I didn’t call the police (out of embarrassment and fears of disturbing our children).

The situation erupted into a huge row (in which I was deliberately controlled and calm) but my husband absolutely exploded, calling me every disgusting name you could imagine and shouting with venom for 2 hours. I can’t really describe how vicious he was. I recorded the whole thing on voice notes on my phone. I did this because this isn’t the first time he has lost control of his anger and behaved this way, and I knew no one would believe it unless they heard it (he’s extremely charming in public). He also told me repeatedly, and at volume, that I’m mental, lack intelligence, have no empathy, disliked by people and so on.

He made a petty and manipulative comment yesterday morning so I left. I killed time all day, listened to the recording and met a friend. I offloaded on to her and played her some of the recording. Her shock and assurances that this is really not right helped me see the light. I took the children to my parents.

I have contacted a solicitor whose administrator tells me there is a two week waiting list and fees of £240-£300 per hour. I am currently unemployed due to serious illness after building a fantastic career so I have no money at all (I was ‘kept’ by my husband I suppose).

What do I do? My husband is currently holding the children to ransom as I took them home to stay overnight - he says they’re not coming back time tomorrow as he can choose who they’re looked after by. He texts and speaks in manipulative, condescending lawyer-speak and tries to frighten me. He says he wants to resolve things (but this would take me ‘accepting my responsibility’ and ‘apologising for accusing him of being a sexual criminal’) and I think he’ll use the children and finances to make things so difficult for me that I give up on divorce and go back. My parents are and will be hugely supportive, emotionally, physically and financially (but they are not wealthy). I do not want to resolve things - this last incident was a lightbulb moment.

Have I done the wrong thing leaving the home? He refuses to.
What are my rights re: children? I do NOT want them to be used as pawns in a messy game.
What do I do??

I may have missed some details here so I will answer any questions I can. Thank you.

Try other lawyers.

See if the Rights of Women can advise you. Speak to Women's Aid.

You may be entitled to legal aid as there is domestic abuse here.

Don't give him any more ground - trying to placate him will not lead to an amicable outcome, he'll just push and push further.

Sorry you're going through this.

Sorry you're going through this, sounds horrendous. for you.
No advice as I'm not in UK - but from everything I've seen on MN there's lots of people with great advice.

Thank you. I will call Women’s Aid tomorrow. Where do you see the domestic abuse?

You describe incidents of sexual abuse, verbal and emotional abuse.

Do you have free access to money or does he control it all? If the latter, it's likely financial abuse also. Money/assets should be shared in a marriage.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

I'm also assuming the behaviours you have described are not brand new.

I hadn’t heard of Rights of Women. That looks so useful, thank you. I’ll speak to them tomorrow night.

Yes I have access to money. He’s never been weird about money. No these behaviours are really not new but I think I’d normalised them. Never the sexual thing before. He insists he didn’t think I was asleep (but didn’t check whether I was...)

shouting with venom for two hours
That's verbal abuse.
The touching is sexual abuse. I could go on.
You've done a brave thing op. Have you any family who could help you? Close friend?

Intimidation and control being used by your H at its worst. I fear if you relent and return you have handed him everything he’s demanding, whilst in his mind validating his behaviour. The future/your future is then fairly well mapped out. I understand the path forward looks unimaginably difficult as you work towards separation, he doesn’t sound as if he will make it easy, but you do have rights and these will become clearer once you access the legal system. Time for the hard question, do you stay knowing, (can you accept) what he is, or do you go. Only you can know. I wish you only the best as you decide.

I really appreciate the support and advice so far. It’s validating my feelings and reassuring me and giving me a way forward. Thank you very much.

@MrsKeats My family are really great. I’ll get as much help and support from them as I need.

You could go for an occupation order that means that he has to leave the house and you can stay it's only temporary but it will give you some peace of mind and no he's not allowed to come and go as he pleases either

Please contact NCDV they will advise if you can get a temporary restraining order please don't wait as they are only granted with 14 days of the incident normally

I know it's scary but his behaviour is truly awful and you can make it through. Woman aid, local div charities can help you

Good books include why does he do that Lundy Bancroft, The gift of fear, the emotionally abusive marriage, also google FOG and Covert narcissism they might ring a bell as will the freedom program xx

Glad to hear it op.