How can I be less nice and more upfront?

[Alison421]

Please any advice. I stupidly just posted on AIBU! I know! I’m just looking to have practical advice on how to stop being so nice all the time. I feel I get taken advantage of quite a lot.

Do you mean in response to requests for you help and the like?

Don't respond straight away. Think about whether you can actually easily accommodate their request; how inconvenient it would be to you; their motivation for asking you.

It's actually fine to say, "I can't do that, no".

@TooWarmAgain thank you!

Yeah get some lines ready to trot out when you get asked things. Learn it’s ok to say No. At first it’s easier with an excuse but you need to get to the stage you don’t need an excuse.

Eg. Friend asks ‘
Can you walk my dog on Tuesday as I’m on a double shift’

You:
I would always help if I could, you know that, but unfortunately I can’t this week, sorry friend. (Then change subject so she doesn’t push, like ‘Talking of walks, I’ve seen some nice trainers online I’m thinking of buying‘. That way the subject has been changed and she should respect that).

Other neutral comments to use when people tell you stuff they expect you to volunteer to help them with but you don’t want to but also aren’t good at saying no.

‘Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that’s happened, that sucks’

‘That’s lousy friend, I hate when that happens to me’

‘I wish I could help but I can’t sorry, I hope you get it sorted’

Ive just started seeing a life coach, which you might find helps. My main motivation for seeing them was to try and get some order in my ‘no time for me’ life, buts it’s become apparent that my life never has time for me because I’m too busy trying to people please, not let people down and I spend an inordinate amount of time going out of my way to suit other people who never reciprocate. So I’ve started saying no. It’s actually incredibly empowering. So id suggest a life coach. And if you don’t have time or money for that just start thinking ‘does this suit me?’, ‘am I being inconvenienced for this?’. If other people are offended that’s kinda tough.

@Yellow1793. @Elieza

Thank you both! Brilliant tips. I wish I could afford a life coach. Maybe I’ll put aside some money and have a few sessions. Do you think a few sessions are enough or is it more a long term thing?

If someone asks if you can do x, y or z on such and such date, say something like “gosh that date rings a bell, i’ll Have to check the calendar and get back to you”. That way you haven’t had to say yes straight away and have bought yourself some time to see if you actually want to do what they’ve asked. You can then come up with a reason to say no, or just forget to get back to them. If they ask again you can say oh yes, I checked and can’t do that because of a, b or c.