Is my marriage over?

[Toria1586]

My husband suffers from anxiety and depression and has for a while. Dr put him on medication that made the world of difference. But because he sees himself as being weak If he takes them he’s stopped taking them.

I’d noticed last week he had become detached from me emotionally, didn’t really have anything to say just spending all his time online gaming. I asked if we were ok as he seemed emotionally distant and he assured me we were fine he just had nothing to say as being stuck WFH since March he’d run out of conversation.

Last night he came to bed at a normal time as opposed to the 2-3am it usually is because he’s steaming on twitch and said he’d changed his mind and there were issues with us being detached.

This morning we sat and talked and he said there’s nothing I’ve done wrong I do everything to support him and our kids and l he knows he’s causing all these issues with his depression and anxiety but still refuses to take his tablets. He then said sex is one sided and always him initiating it - in the middle of the night when he comes up to bed and I’m already asleep. It’s really hard to be in the mood to initiate anything when you go to bed on your own 9 out of 10 nights.

He’s now saying he doesn’t know if he goes away for a few nights may help us or not and that he needs to unwind. He refuses individual counselling but suggested marriage counselling.

I don’t know what to say to him, I want to help him obviously but he doesn’t seem to want help. I grew up with my mother being bipolar and I was never enough to make her happy either

Any advice on how I can help him or if it’s better to maybe just let the marriage go

It’s not that you are not enough to make them happy. It’s that they aren’t doing anything to be happy. I would suggest you do the marriage counselling if you think it’s worth saving. I would suggest you do try to initiate something but downstairs to try and entice him upstairs. I reckon however if he won’t help himself (by taking the meds) then it’s probably going to be over. Based on your description re the making him look weak etc, it sounds like he has very traditional gender roles in his head, he needs to be the one to provide, to be the shoulder and you need to be the dutiful wife. Not healthy to be like that at all.

It’s difficult to initiate anything because as soon as I’ve fed the youngest and taken him up for a bath he gets on his pc and stays there till 2-3am. I work three evenings a week but am usually home by 9.30 and he doesn’t come off it when I’m home.

Even on my birthday I came in from work and he just stayed on the pc playing games

It’s hard to want to initiate anything when you feel like nothing more than a housekeeper 😞

I'm sorry to say that I do think your marriage is over.

Your DH is unwell, but is refusing to take medication which solves his illness.

He is beyond selfish. He's putting his pride before his marriage and children ffs.

Ask him what he would be saying to you if the positions were reversed ? If you were to tell him you've decided that your pride is much more important to you than him or your kids ?

Tell him that his refusal to accept treatment for his illness is actually what MAKES him weak ! A strong man wouldn't be putting his own family through the hell you've described.

If you can't talk him round to getting the help he needs, I'd be saying ''sorry, but me and the kids are not going to stay and watch you detach from us, ignore us and wallow in your selfish self pity party. It's over, I'll help you pack your bags now''

I’ve just tried talking to him again and he started off saying he’d go back to the drs then reverted back to “I don’t want to be on pills for the rest of my life”, “all this shit about bringing men’s mental health to the spot light”, “it’s different than my sister” (who is also on AD) and when I asked why because she’s a woman he just kept repeating its different

I want to be there for him I want to help him but this has been going on over a year now and I don’t know how to help someone who doesn’t want help just complains he’s no good for anyone.

Hi Toria.

Only you can decide whether your marriage is over. You mention that you feel like a housekeeper. If that’s how you feel, could there be some underlying resentment there perhaps?

My husband had depression and took meds. Everything was great (he had a tendency to flare up all the time) but when he came off them, he was an arsehole. He also went to counselling for about a year - which, looking back, helped us both. He learned to communicate better and if I’m honest, so did I. I don’t profess to know a lot about depression, I’m a little bit of a ‘get on with it’ type of person, but for people going through it, it’s real and difficult and dark. Personally, I think it’s probably harder for men to admit they’re struggling mentally purely because of stereotypes, but hopefully that is changing.

Realistically, you can only support your husband, but he has to help himself. You can’t be responsible for his happiness. Perhaps suggest he seeks some therapy?

And sorry to hear you’re going through this. It’s always difficult going through a rough patch.

I could have written a lot of what you said. Yes, some details are different but ny husband also resisted going on anti-depressants.....then when he was on them took himself off them (a few years later) without telling me or his GP. He had also previously said about not wanting to take them for the rest of his life. I encouraged him to get individual counselling, but again he resisted this. We had a few major life events going on which meant I thought he could really do with the extra support. He eventually agreed to counselling this time last year and did make good progress with his counsellor. But this was too late for me and I agonized for months about whether the marriage was over. We separated last month. I could not understand the refusal to help himself, even when I was begging him to do something about it.

He’s just said he’s taking himself off tomorrow and he’s going to stay in a hotel over night and come back Wednesday so he can clear his head over things.

I suggested therapy for him said we’d find a private practice for him it was a hard no and would only agree to couples counselling.

There is resentment that’s true, I cook and clean and do almost all of the childcare except the evenings I work he puts them in bed - but he literally just puts them in bed and leaves the room.

OP, I don’t know whether your marriage is over, but I can’t get over the fact that he wakes you at 2-3am for sex, once he’s completed his gaming commitments. Wtf!

@TirisfalPumpkin

OP, I don’t know whether your marriage is over, but I can’t get over the fact that he wakes you at 2-3am for sex, once he’s completed his gaming commitments. Wtf!

Resentment is understandable but it can make a relationship really hard. And long term relationships are hard enough. Does he know how you feel ? It’s your relationship too - most people want to feel valued and respected by their partner.

Sorry, I commented to the wrong person. I’m too old for technology!

Please talk to him TONIGHT.

Leaving to clear his head will drive a bigger wedge between you. It will cause resentment and suspicion. It's counter-productive to leave for a night or more in order to get closer, even temporarily. That sends the wrong message.

His suggesting marriage counseling is a big thing. I think I'd tell him that this shows you he wants to work on your marriage. Can't you agree to the counseling, call tomorrow to set up an appointment, with an agreement that he doesn't "leave to clear his head" at least until you've had x number of sessions? Maybe you could offer a little something as well to show him you're serious? Take advantage of this now, while he's willing.

What do you really have to lose?

Funny how he's suddenly decided there is an issue and to resolve it he's going to a hotel for 1 night.

Are you sure he is not meeting someone for sex?

Surely if you have issues you try to resolve them?

It all seems very one sided....

@SortingItOut that’s what my thinking is and I’ve told him as much. He says it’s not he just wants to get all his work done and a clear head. He said tonight he doesn’t want out of the marriage and that he’s not booked a room or anything. I’m just destroyed to be honest.

I’ve spent the whole day in tears on and off and not once has he tried to say it will be ok anything just keeps saying it’s him and he knows it’s him

How's he been with his phone?
Can you access it?

The issue is that he is up until 2-3am and so he has plenty of time to message/speak to other women while you are asleep and you wouldnt know.

Have a read of the script, sorry i don't have a link, its basically what men say and do when they have an affair and leave thrir wives and see if any of it sounds familiar.

Why are you waiting for him to make a decision on your marriage? You can make a decision too and you dont have yo accept his behaviour regardless of his mental health.
It doesnt appear he wants to help himself so why should you?

I was with my husband 19 years and married for 17 years when i left him, his mental health was poor for all that time.
He did take medication and have counselling loads but he was never really better.
I think he used his mental health to emotionally abuse me and control me.

All marriages take work that's all stay positive! work on your issues together the fact that she has told you what he is having issues with is a good sign and it's something you just need to work on calmly together

So update he’s been going out and staying at hotels randomly and stalking girls on Facebook, looking for properties to rent and is on a swingers dating website. So yeah my marriage is over.

And to top that all off I may be pregnant 👌

So sorry to hear this but at least you are getting to the bottom of everything and you know he is the issue 100% and its nothing to do with you