fiance again

[MousyArtist]

Hi so i posted a thread back in June (you can see it here, it was quite long - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3953262-Fianc-stuff-Should-I-just-live-with-it?msgid=97885448)

Anyway to sum up that thread:

• My fiancé has cancelled all direct debits in the space of a year and now expects me to pay for them
• Always claims we have no money
• takes my debit card without telling me and uses it
• has to see what is in my bank account although I'm not allowed to see his
• there's other stuff too - ill come back to that.

so there's been an update and I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm just moaning - i don't mean to.
Basically i told his brother that this was the way he was behaving with money and money was just disappearing and i had to pay majority of bills which ate up my universal credit and child benefit.
His brother talked through his finances with him and tried to make him see sense that he needs to help out more financially - we have two children together aged three and one.
anyway he didn't really respond to any of that chat and is still pissing money up the wall while i have £30 to my name for the month.
in the previous thread i had loads of people tell me to leave him and i chose not to..then. Long story short i now do want to leave him but am absolutely frightened to tell him to get out. The flat we rent is in both of our names which he likes to remind me that i cant kick him out. I don't have any financial means to leave either.

I'm also frightened of what might happen if i say its over for me and him. He has been known to get quite angry and has certainly been snippy and cross since meeting his brother the other day. He has thrown his phone at me twice and once smashed things about in the kitchen. He has also thrown a full plastic washing basket at my back when i didn't do something for him - although this was a while ago.

• side note- he also gets me to wait on him. I do everything for him, make his lunches, wash uniform and clothes etc.

This bit i didn't really mention in my previous thread but when he wants s3x and i don't, i do it anyway just to please him even though he can tell i don't want it. If i really don't want it and he is accepting of that then he will wank himself off in front of me and always onto one of my clothes. he also has s3x with me while i sleep which I've told him i don't like. he likes to tie me up if he does this. sometimes ill partially wake up and pretend to be asleep until its over. if i ask him to stop he'll get cross. the only way i know its happened sometimes is if he asks me if i remember anything last night. i hate that question from him because it means he had s3x with me.

i don't really know if i should be posting this but I'm just stuck and i don't know what to do. I'm frightened and i have health problems too which i rely a bit on him for. help please :(

Jesus Christ you and your innocent children are not in any position to censor what is going on. You need help and protection because this will not improve by you magically wishing the reality of your life and history away. He is a violent rapist and you risk your children being further damaged. Call the damn police and Women's Aid.

You must get out how dare he cancel the direct debits but not only that the sex thing as well I had that through my first marriage in the end I’d hand him the ky and tell get on with it then.

@MousyArtist

I’m only frightened to tell people because I don’t want people to hate me for speaking badly about him. And I’m nervous it will scare and upset my mum

Nobody's going to hate you for outing a violent rapist. They will admire your courage and give you support.

The day he seriously hurts you or one of the children, your Mum will be far more than "upset". Tell her the truth now. She'll be angry with him, not you.

As for his familiy,  His brother has already taken your side over the money thing;  he might be equally supportive over the rest of it.

Please tell your family and get them to help you to get him out

Please get in touch with a womens refuge who will be able to give you the best possible advice, and may be able to help remove you from the situation. They are all over the country so you will be able to find one near you, and you won't have to tell any of your friends or family what's going on until you're ready. There's no pressure to do anything. Forget about everyone else other than you and your babies, they come first, and you can't protect them properly if you aren't protecting yourself.

Best of luck OP

Hi everyone, sorry for the silence - been trying you get things sorted. I have told my counsellor, was tricky too, but I have and she is in the midst of contacting services that will help me get out of this safely and without him knowing I’ve gone until I actually have gone. He is very good a emotionally manipulating me to do what he wants so had a little set back the other where I thought I still wanted to be with him. This is changed again now and am trying to get out of it. Thank you for all your kind words, it’s going to be tough but me and my boys will be okay soon I hope 💕xx

I am so proud of you.

You can do this and you can be free.

You deserve someone that truly loves you:
Cherishes, respects, treats you as an equal, puts your wishes first, supports you and so on.

Well done for having the courage to speak to your counsellor. It’s hard but you’ve done the right thing. You deserve better than him. Good luck for your bright future

Jesus fucking Christ. Is he drugging you or something????? Find a way to leave even if it means staying in a refuge. Fuck marrying him, he's awful. So sorry you're going through this

MousyArtist, when you have safely left this man, please search out The Freedom Program. You can do the course online.

It will help you in the future to avoid abusive men like this. You are terribly vulnerable, particularly because you seem unable to spot abuse at all.

Please try to remember this one thing above all others - that when you have that feeling that you can't or shouldn't tell anyone what is happening, when you feel you need to keep a man's secrets for him or that you are ashamed, this is very likely to be because you are being abused. Remember that, and if you ever feel like that again in the future then come here and talk to us.