Staying in a marriage for sake of children - how long have you done it for? Is it sustainable for 8 years?

[Moominmummy12]

Been married for 20 years. Feel like the love has gone. DH shows no affection etc. Feels like we just do the practical things to keep life going. I’m not happy or unhappy if that makes sense. Don’t want to break up marriage for DCs sake. But I’m not sure I can live like this for another 8 years till they’ve left home.
Really don’t know what to do.
We haven’t had sex since February. DH doesn’t even give cuddles, kisses. Feels very lonely.

@Moominmummy12, apologies I can't offer an answer, just solidarity.
I am sat exactly where you are, though have to say lockdown has started to make me think I might not make it to Christmas!
My DH knows how unhappy I am, he just won't change anything as he thinks its the way things are...sob.
Thing is I know for things to improve I need to have my freedom, I guess its just deciding how long to wait!

How old are the dc? There's no guarantee that they will leave home in 8 years.

You are modelling what a relationship should be like to your dc so I'd say leave now unless you want your dc's to be in a relationship like the one you've got now.

I stayed married for 12 years longer than I should have for my DC.
My advice? Stop it, get out now and live your life!

Adding to what uni said, the kids will start shopping for their own life partner well before they've left home.
Their expectations are formed by their experiences now. So the less time they've spent in a happy home, the less they know what to look for...

Please don't stay if you're not happy. My parents did this and it's really had an effect on my relationships as an adult. No matter how well you think you hide it, i can guarantee you won't. I wish my parents had split 10 years before they did

I should have left 10 years before I did. By the end I was a wreck psychologically. We are far far better friends now than we were as partners. That last decade was a very bad period in our DCs lives. Go now. You'll thank yourself.

I stayed married an extra 10 years, don't. Being middle aged and alone is worse. It's no easier for the kids as young adults

Whilst it’s easy to get advice to leave someone, it’s not as easy doing it.

Are you financial secure? What is your DH like as a person. Would he be reasonable if you split ?

Separation is a huge thing to do and a hammer blow to kids so lots to think about. Would he consider counselling ?

Dating is a nightmare on the most part and there are no guarantees when it comes to relationships. Honeymoon periods wear off and relationships with baggage, which they often are, can be very difficult to manager.

Having said that being single is great if you can get your head around the loneliness aspect.

OP sounds like you're both stuck in a negative cycle - won't you consider relationship counselling for the both of you? All long marriages go through stale periods. And for all you know, your DH may be going through something that's affecting his behaviour. Seems odd to just throw in the towel without trying to work things out.

Also consider the age dc will be when you leave.

A friend of mine "hung on til the kids were up" then left when they were 18-20yo.

She says in hindsight it was worse as that is just such a selfish age. She said they hated her for a while as they just wanted an easy life at that age/phase and it took them a long time to realise it was best:- all they thought about at that age was themselves.

It’s so hard. Really don’t want my child to have split homes. So many friends have and just don’t want that if absolutely necessary. Counselling is worth a shot. Thanks for replies and sending you hope if you’re struggling too.

I stayed in my marriage for about 10 years longer than I should have. Waited until my son was 16 and had just taken his GCSEs. My daughter was 13. I wish I had started my new life 10 years sooner but there were obstacles in my way that seemed insurmountable. They weren't.

Don't do it - these things eat away at you inside . You think you are coping but it is only afterwards that you realise how soul destroying it is .

@Moominmummy12 I am feeling the same. Our marriage has been rocky for over 10 years and I stayed because of the children (which is what my own mom did) my parents marriage problems didn't;t effect me, I had no clue. But my marriage issues are effecting our children, and we have another 8 yrs before they're all classed as adults. I don't want this example of married life to be what they settle for.

I have found it really useful to imagine, my children are me. would I want them to feel how I feel today? Its really clarified things for me.
Leaving will mean changing almost everything about our lives, but I cannot go on with us all miserable. it feels like a waste of years.

I remember a friend telling me that I'll know when the times right, and they were right. I feel it coming soon.

Its ok to choose what's best for you.

I have just gone through a seperation, after 15 years and 2 DD. It was the most hideous thing I've experienced, even though it was my decision, and telling the kids was awful. My ex is absolutely devastated and still wants a reconciliation.

However I am now feeling amazing and really excited for the future! My girls were very upset initially but now seem happy as they love my new home and we are currently on holiday, first time as a 3. I'm feeling guilty, for not feeling guilty if that makes sense!

In the back of my mind I wonder if this will hit me with a sledgehammer at a later stage, but at the minute I have no regrets!

How old is your child?

By the time they get to 12/13 they start to make their own life elsewhere with friends/school etc and become progressively independent.

The downside of waiting are the lost years, you could have started afresh and have more chance of doing so the younger you are.

If you are set on the 8 years then retrain or aim to advance your career as quickly as possible, get into the best position you can professionally. Use the time wisely. Save money. Plan and plan some more. Make sure you have a great social life so you can enjoy the years between now and then. Book courses, gear yourself up. Stay fit and well and use the time as a springboard to your new life. Don't allow rot and decay to set in. Keep things cheerful, lots of hobbies and focus entirely on your financial responsibilities so you are in a good position to go when the moment comes.

My parents should have split 20 years ago but didn’t and I ended up marrying a man that was controlling and showed no affection, exactly as they did. I’ve now broken the cycle and although my son is 6 I’d like to think most of the stuff he’s learnt can be undone. Please don’t “do it for the kids” - it causes so much damage.

Also. There’s no guarantee you’ll live until you’re old. Get out now, life’s too short, you never know how much time you have left to be happy.

If it is mutual then I can only say look at your accommodation. My friends were married and live in a huge L shaped building each one has three bedrooms, bedroom and lounge. They are connected by a door. Both of them have other relationships but when they were younger the kids were 10 & 11 when they split -they came and went how them pleased. The kids slept in the "wife's side" but they respected each other's side and privacy. I often wish my ex had been nice and reasonable and we could have brought two houses next door to each other and the kids move between them. No affection is hard. You are affection with friends surely?
I would want to coparent in two happy homes.