I’m broken post AE discovery.

[Verylongweek]

Very long story. Essentially I discovered my husbands EA (that I know of, I’m not naive enough to not realise it may have been more) during lock down.
Together 15 years, married 8. We have drifted for the past few years, and 100% not blaming me but I also realise I had become quite cold and detached.
He had been inappropriately messaging a colleague. Someone I also knew and was effectively his “work wife”.
I had an feeling something was wrong for quite some time and confronted him several times and he denied it. I wouldn’t quite say gas lighted but definitely tried to convince me I was wrong.
Long story short, I kept digging and eventually found an email trail, from what I could see it was very much still in infancy and tbh quite teenage style vomit inducing.
Confronted him and he admitted it. We’ve spent many nights now talking etc. We seem to be getting somewhere, and in some ways our relationship in a million times better than ever.
However, I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him. He can’t fully break contact as still works there (is looking for another job but I’ve just a Covid redundancy so he can’t just leave).
I just don’t know how to get out of my head. We have a lovely life, 3 kids and I feel now like I’m the one wrecking it as I just can’t move on.
I’m so fucking angry at him, but also at me. Tbh I was so distant if it wasn’t for lockdown/furlough I’d have probably never even noticed.
I love him and don’t want to leave, but I can’t live like this forever.
Not sure what I want from this thread, but needed to get it down as can’t talk to anyone irl as my hope is we do stay together and don’t want that soured by people knowing.

I’m particularly struggling tonight as he’s away somewhere with little signal, and I can’t stop my head spinning that maybe he’s with her and had turned his phone off... it’s just such a mess.

No help OP but I'm awake,saw your post and didn't want to read and run. Where has he said he's going to tonight? I'm sure someone else who's been through similar will come along with some advice for you soon. Sending hugs and hope you manage to get some sleep.

Why do you think you had become cold and distant, do you think? Was it just from him, or from the family generally? 100% not blaming you, no blame lies with you. Just wondering if there were issues from before that you haven't faced.
It's also quite soon to be 'over it' and fully trust him again. You probably need to give yourself more time.

I had a feeling something was wrong for quite some time.

OP, it sounds like he was creating emotional distance between you to make room for and justify his cheating. He alone is responsible for his fidelity. If he had issues with the marriage, he could have chosen to discuss them with you.

When you approached him several times with concerns, he dismissed you, lied, and continued cheating. He allowed you to feel unsettled. He admitted the affair only when you rumbled him with evidence. It is not surprising that you don’t trust him.

Relationship counselors estimate that it can take 2-5 years to restore trust, even with a truly remorseful partner who makes a great effort to rebuild and help you heal. What sort of effort is he making? Do you have full access and transparency?

Have you considered seeking individual counseling to help you process all of this?

Personally, I wouldn’t be able to come back from his betrayal. He is capable of much deception. I would have lost all trust, and I would not choose to live with constant anxiety and uncertainty.

I think you might find it helpful to read Not Just A Friend by Shirley Glass.

Sorry, Not Just Friends.

Thank you so much for the replies, sorry I finally fell asleep in the end.
To answer a few questions.
Yes I know where he was Last night/is today (or where he said he was) but no way to confirm that.
In terms of me being quite cold/distant before, work was always top priority for me, between that and the kids tbh I always just assumed she would be there and I can see now that I was definitely taking him for granted/putting him bottom of the list.
I know it’s very soon, (4 months since I found out) I think I’m mostly scared that it’s still going on and that I’m being taken for a fool again. I can forgive what happened, I think, but I am left with a real fear that if was as much of nothing as it’s looking like it was, then why put me through all that hurt.
I’m also scared that if I can’t move on (to a degree) i will end up being the one who screws it all up.
Tbf to him, he’s putting no pressure on me “to get over it” and is happy to talk (even though he’s not naturally a talker and I can see it’s painful) but the last few weeks I’ve pulled away from talking as I’m just sick of being upset and miserable. When I pretend it never happened things are great.
He’s done nothing to lead me to think it’s still happening, but I just have such a fear that if I drop my guard I’ll be played for a twat again. But being “on” all the time is just bloody exhausting for all of us.

And yes, he has given me full access and transparency if I ask.
I just feel like shit asking.

OP. I have been in this exact situation with my DH. And yes he is still very much my very dear husband.
I caught him 2 years ago in a EA with another woman. Apparently it had been going on for months! Again like you, I was wrapped up in work all the time I didn’t even notice, until I did and then In my mind there was no going back. However, after a few very painful weeks of some very raw conversation and home truths on both parts. We made the decision to rebuild our relationship and then marriage. It’s taken us two years to get to this point so it’s not easy. But I can honestly say we have a much better marriage than we ever have before. We both have full transparency to everything, I never feel the need to check anymore. I trust him. We both feel like we took each other for granted back then and wow did we learn a hard lesson. I hope you and your DH can move past this if it what you both want. It’s hard work but it’s worth it.

I also get what you mean about being or guard all the time and it being exhausting. You can’t help it. It’s natural to feel that way. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you for taking the time to reply Ginnyrella.
I’m sorry to hear you have been through similar, it’s so shit....
Can I ask what the turning point was for you that you stopped worrying that it was going to happen again/still happening? Is there anything he/you did that made a difference to that?
I’ve sent an email enquiry to relate to look and talking to someone, I’m just not sure I want to keep talking about it. However I know bottling it up is clearly not working either.

Unfortunately I can’t exactly pin point when it all changed it was a gradual thing I think. As you will know you have the ups and downs of “ I don’t think there’s anything still going on” to the next “ there definitely is something going on... what a bastard” every time I was in a the latter stage. He knew something was wrong and he talked to me about ( for example) why he was on WhatsApp at 5am In the morning. What message he sent and who too, he’d even hand over his phone and offer to leave it with me for the day. Things like that I guess. And the more I doubted him and he more he came through to show me I was wrong and he was being truthful. In the end the only thing I was doing was hurting us both as there was nothing to see. It’s a gradual process to go through and god did I feel guilty asking to look at his messages and emails and social media’s but as he said, it was the only way to put my anxiety’s at rest. And he was right.

That’s really helpful.
I think my stumbling block is that I’m reluctant to ask to see stuff so I’m not getting the reassurance.
Several times he’s offered to hand over his phone, but for some reason I don’t want to. I think maybe part of it is being scared to find something and wanting to stay in a bubble. Also I hate seeing the look of hurt when he realises I’m not ok. He’s a bit emotionally backwards (sorry can’t think of a better word) so hasn’t pushed it the same way your dh has.
Every time I have had a specific worry though, a few days later something will happen and I’m like “oh that makes that thing make sense” and is perfectly reasonable.
Thank you so much for the perspective, it’s really helpful.

OP, I’m in a very similar situation. DH had no face to face but was using social media and their interactions were very nauseating. The OW was an ancient ex who has no local connection so it hadn’t gone any further than online contact.
Like you I have been preoccupied over the last few years but over the last 12 months my life has become almost stress free and DH were reconnecting (DC growing up, early/semi retirement, financial stability) all was looking rosy, so finding out he had reconnected with someone else was like a sledge hammer. I did pick up on the subtle changes very quickly which I think surprised him.
I am in a position to just walk away, he knows this, but after much soul searching I don’t want to. We have talked it through and have agreed we need to make more time for us as a couple.
Unfortunately the OW has been visiting the area ( day trips) and posting on social media. This makes me uncomfortable and DH has admitted that it is beginning to freak him out. He has been no contact and like OPs DH transparent about his online activity.
It is going to take me a long time to build up the same level of trust but I know that it will take some time for DH to ‘get over’ the feelings he has stirred up.
I have made it clear that it is his choice to stay or go, but he knows that I still love him and see a future with him. What I’m not prepared to do is make the choice for him.
I do find the mnetters who cry LTB at every opportunity ( although I agree with them re abuse) strangely naive. By leaving you have made the choice for him. They claim that OW are not to blame, they know exactly what they are doing when they flirt with a married man. And if they continue to try and maintain contact after being rumbled then they are acting predatorily.
OP you asked for input rather than a solution. It takes effort from both partners in a relationship there are plenty of posts by DW on here moaning about DHs who put work first. It’s not always men who prioritise work over relationships. It’s going to take time but if you still love your DH and think it is worth it then start working on it.

Thank you.
It’s great to hear perspectives of people who have chosen to stay, I guess I have some shame attached to not kicking him out.
I think I just need to get my head around the fact that time is the missing factor, and I can’t just fast forward the hard bit.

OP, I'm pretty much in the exact same situation, 3 young children, been together 20years and found out my DH was having an EA with his cousins girlfriend who lives overseas. We had drifted apart and become parents and stopped being a couple, I thought this was the way it was and just thought Oh well, this was the life I chose and I didn't pay him much notice to how unhappy he was or him to how unhappy I was.

His was all online and like yours vomit inducing gushy messages, and after I found out tried to keep in contact for another week or 2. The lies and tricky truth went on for a good month after he told her it's over, this was Nov last year so it's been about 9months since I found out.

In the beginning he would get very defensive if I asked questions but he started counseling and we did couples counseling, he gave me total transparency, access to everything,
Blocked her on everything. Maybe about 2 months after finding out things started to improve and we started to re-connect.

He was completely different, would bring up the affair when he could see I was anxious, started making efforts to go out together just the 2 of us and try to make me feel like I am important to him.

I won't lie I still totally snoop through his emails, what's app, Facebook messenger, and everything else, but not nearly as often as I did in the beginning maybe once every week or two, seeing absolutely nothing and no signs of any contact everytime has helped to re-assure me it's over.

For me it's my head when I wake up or trying to get to sleep that pictures the messages I saw, or the little lies he told or the half truths where I wonder do I know the whole story and that play though my head at 3am not letting me sleep. This is not every night but maybe when he a not giving me as much attention (I'm a bit extra needy because of this) he knows and if I tell him he feel distant he makes an extra effort, it happens maybe once a fortnight or so but for a coupe of days till I tell him everything I'm feeling and get it out in the open.

I did find early in journaling really helped, I had such bad anxiety from it, also a calming app of ocean sounds when I can't sleep and when I had intrusive thoughts, I did as my therapist told me, acknowledge them, it's your mind trying to protect you from danger. And I say in my head, ok mind, thank you, I'm all good right now and push the thought away, sometimes it took a few repeats !

My posts/story are on here if you want to see what I was like at the time !

Just take it day by day, it does get easier but I think like someone said it can take 2-5years to really heal and trust your gut !

Thank you so much Mumof3.
That really helps and so much of it rings due to how I’m feeling. Especially the intrusive thoughts and it popping up morning and bed time. I can go whole busy days and hardly think about it.

I think I need to push forward with the counselling as it sounds like it really does make a difference.

One of the hardest parts is that he still has to have contact with her, and I worry that even if it’s over now, things could rekindle seeing her every day. He says, and from what I read the whole thing really was something about nothing. She even said when he broke it of “yes I agree this has all got a bit silly and out of hand.”
But the nagging bit is that if was all such a none thing, then why did he risk it. Even at the point I was crying at him saying I knew something was going on, just not what or who. Why wouldn’t he end it then if it was such a non big deal. Which is where I then worry I there was more to it.

I would say that if OW had described it as a “a bit silly and out of hand” things wouldn’t of gone any further than an EA but that’s just me. I’m a firm believer in trusting your gut instinct. Only you will know how you truly feel about that, and thus will have to make the decision as to weather you can forgive if you do decide to move ahead with it all, and you may also have to come to terms with that you may never know the full extent of what has happened. I agree with a PP about keeping a journal also it very much helped me set my thoughts on to paper. Brain junk if you will. Don’t feel shamed into taking him back. Lots of marriages survive this sort of thing. And lots don’t. But it takes a very strong person to get hurt into the worst possible way and still be able to try a trust again.

My DH had an EA about 5.5 years ago, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life. I’d say it’s taken almost 5 years to get about 80% over it. Not what you want to hear I imagine.

OP, unfortunately mnetters is populated by women who have only one solution to men behaving badly and I have seen a lot of shaming of women who choose to stay. In rl I know a lot of women and men whose marriages have suffered extra marital affairs both emotional and physical. Many have chosen to take the hard road of rebuilding and reconnecting. If you believe your relationship is worth saving, I certainly believe mine is, then do what is right for you.
For me an emotional affair was far more threatening than physical particularly because it was with someone he had history with. It will take a great deal of time for me to completely trust DH again. We have started to joke about it and like a previous pp he will bring it up when I’m obviously stressing about it so I can talk through how I’m feeling. He was very defensive and dismissive initially but has admitted that he was smitten. Talking can heal and even deepen your existing relationship. Our sex life has taken off as a result. I realised that DH was feeling insecure about my recent weight loss and increased confidence, I thought he realised that it was the result of lower stress levels and coming through menopause. He thought I was preparing to leave him. I thought that he would find the new me more sexually attractive, turns out he feels happier with the chubbier me. It’s something we’ve never discussed. Unfortunately he’s going to have to deal with the slimmer version because I lost the weight for health reasons not sexual reasons.
In a long term relationship we develop non verbal signals but sometimes forget that we still need to talk.