Hi,
This is my first post that I contemplated for a long while now and finally decided it was time to post about.
I’ll try to keep it brief but it’s hard when the relationships been a fairly long one.
I’ve been with my other half for 5 years now and a year into the relationship we began having arguments, usually because of me asking questions, forgetting things he’s told me before, seeking some reassurance. Nothing happens for no reason though so I actually developed my trust worries 2 years into the relationship, nothing major happened but I felt insecure about an old friend that seemed to have been too interested in my partner. Nevertheless I tried to let it go.. but I have a habit of worrying and sometimes ask questions.
He’s honest with me as far as I know, doesn’t hide his phone, doesn’t go out late but sometimes he does get really frustrated if I ask something I asked previously or if it sounds similar to something I’ve previously asked. I know it’s annoyingly but sometimes, I just feel like it’s easier to ask hoping he’ll stay calm than it is to keep it in me and let my mind wander off.
It’s little things really, I may ask why he did something and he really takes it over board, shouting and saying that I must think he’s a fool or that he’s stupid, that I behave like a child, that I go on about the same thing for too long. I do find it hard to forget things that don’t add up, guess I’m damaged from past relationship.
I never said anything about him being ‘stupid’ but he does love saying this to me.
He gets angry incredibly easily and once it’s at that, there’s nothing I can do to calm him down, and to be honest sometimes I don’t have the energy to try and I don’t want to try either because it does not work. He’ll throw things, he’ll eat in anger, he’ll speak really loudly not caring what anyone hears, when I ask him to remain respectful and watch his tone he says he ‘does not give a sh*t’ about who hears what. People have heard him get really disrespectful and he’s been told it’s not ok but then when it eventually happens again he says ‘it’s just because you made me angry’ or ‘things you say make me like this’. I know I’m not perfect and I get insecure but I can say that I am respectful, I stay calm, I approach situations with upmost respect and I try so hard to ask things the right way but I am scared, scared of reactions. He apologises usually after a while but I find myself holding back my tears and feeling worried about what may come next. Few times that I did end up crying he made comments such as ‘why are you crying now for’ or ‘you love playing with my head’.
Far from truth. In fact, I’ve done so much for this relationship despite tough circumstances. I never have bad intentions but I do have insecurities. Now I know this never is healthy and I tried to find ways to work around these but it’s been tough. I’ve got a bad memory but I tend to remember a lot of negative things and he always mentions that it’s funny how I remember ‘the bad but never the good’ - I don’t do this on purpose, I really do struggle with my memory and it’s a big insecurity. I know we often remember negative experiences rather than positives but I’m tired of hearing comments that couldn’t be further from the truth.
He doesn’t listen to me during any disagreement, when I ask him to be calm he just does not stay calm, he cannot not swear or shout or raise his voice.
I accept that it’s not ideal I remember negative things and ask about them sometimes but can that justify this behaviour? He gets so angry over trivial things. Recently he’s gotten angry because I lacked confidence to park in a parking space he thought I should park in. He got so angry and said he’d never try to help me again and that I’m weird because I can’t do something like that and I should take driving lessons. I was just stressed out, I didn’t feel comfortable parking in the space as I have a new car and just wanted to decide where to park myself. I know it’s so small but he really does get carried away. These are just examples of things that happen, but they’re never major, it’s always caused by something small he cannot handle, a comment or a question he does not like. I don’t really know how to cope anymore, I don’t want to be scared to ask things, I don’t want to worry about responses and I don’t want to walk on eggshells. Can anyone please share their experiences or advice. Thanks