Relationship advice

[Sam15xo]

Hi at the moment me and my partner have been having a on going argument for months, he used to smoke weed years back but gave up he again started around two years ago but we moved in to a new house around 8 months ago where he isn't able to smoke in the garden as the neighbors don't like it, he said it wouldnt matter as he wanted to cut down, the past few months he goes out during the day a couple of times (no big deal) but he's been going out every night to his friends house to smoke with him for hours every night not getting back until gone 11pm. Ive brought it up but he says I'm being controlling and it's no big deal couple's need time alone which I agree is true but going out for hours every night to your friends house while me and our children are home, they go to bed way before he's home. We aren't in our teens with no children we are late twenties with two. I've said I just want a normal family life where I'm not alone every night, Ive said couples do occasionally have their own time which I do, I will see a friend maybe once a week, get my nails done for a hour here and there etc but he thinks going out the way he is, is fine because its only to a friends house to smoke. I'm at the point where I'm not even sure if I'm right or wrong by saying it's not on. Your opinion/advice would be appreciated. Xx

He values smoking weed above your relationship.

How does that make you feel?

Agree with the above pp.
He is prioritising his weed habit over your relationship. And then trying to gaslight it and make like you’re out of order trying to control him.

I wouldn’t date him. I can’t stand the smell of fags or even worse weed. I feel sorry for the friends neighbours!

Perhaps you need to think about what you want from life.

Makes me feel awful to be honest. I don't smoke at all myself not even cigarettes i do really dislike it I've asked him to quit but I don't see it happening I've said 6 weeks of cutting down then try fully stop but since then I've been sat home every night until gone 11pm waiting for him to get back and when I say anything I'm crazy and controlling 🙄

Also all his friends smoke it and that's why he is down there for so long every night

This won’t end well.

What’s he adding to your relationship? He’s not helping with the kids, spending your money on drugs and he’s no company.

What’s the good bits?

I’d lock the doors if he’s not home by 9.
This isn’t healthy for any of you.
You need to decide what you and the children need- I’m guessing it’s not a selfish druggie who you never see.

You could start ‘just popping out’ every night to see how he likes it.

That would prevent him going out as you have children that need a parent in the house.

Then when he says something, say right back to him whatever he said to you. About how you need time with friends bf how he’s controlling etc

That ought to put his gas on a peep.

Struggling to find the good bits anymore other than the fact I do love him, but I feel like rubbish sitting home every night alone, but apparently I should be okay with it because hes only down the road and smoking not going to the pub! It makes me feel like I'm going crazy sometimes like am I being controlling and unreasonable.. He sufferers with depression/anxiety etc. and takes medication for it so if I bring anything up at all then I'm selfish and never try to understand, but either way it's unhealthy for him and it's not fair to go out every night at all is it. X

I've thought about doing the same to him but I just haven't the energy anymore, and I really do love being home with my family plus all my friends are home with their partners and his like normal families 🙄

The future does not look rosy. His depression and anxiety will only get worse with weed - that's a known fact now.
Don't have any more children with this man child. Start planning a future alone where you support your children.
Does he hold down a job?

You might as well be single? 🤷‍♀️

No hasn't been able to work for a while as his doctor signed him off. But things are just getting worse and going out every night has nothing to do with depression especially when you've got a family. He genuinely thinks Im being horrible, selfish and controlling over it

You dont have the same values and vision for your family. I agree with you but he doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing.
You could compromise and he may remain the same, get worse or get better (unlikely), you could continue as you are arguing about it, he might stop (unlikely) or continue or increase his behavious (very likely. You could separate, then you have control over your family life while he isnt there but you would have to think about what it means when he has the children over without you there to sheild them and monitor him. If he is dangerous then you can discuss supervised vists and if things escalate then a court order. You should think about keeping a diary evidence if you this this might happen.

Haven't you wasted enough time on him? How much more shit do you intend on dealing with? Get rid of this loser.

He's no danger to the kids in that aspect when he is here he is a very good dad. He hasn't been a good partner for a long time but it's effecting me to the point I'm making arguments every single day and getting angry, but I just can't take this going out every night stuff anymore I think I felt less lonely when I was actually alone than I do now. I just needed some people who wasn't me relatives to tell me that I'm not wrong or crazy or controlling because someday it feels like I am. Thank you all for replying to me

I've been sat home every night until gone 11pm waiting for him to get back and when I say anything I'm crazy and controlling

He's a wanker OP. No you're not controlling, if he's doing it this often it's not ok. All you're asking for is for him to act like he's in a relationship/family.

Weed is very damaging to people's mental health- some people pretend it's not, but it is.

You need to decide what you and the children need- I’m guessing it’s not a selfish druggie who you never see

This . He won't change . You are wasting both YOUR and your CHILDREN'S lives waiting for this wanker to change . Don't they deserve better ?

We argued yesterday about it because apparently he went to help his friends move some furniture but 4 hours later after I have been alone every night I had just had enough and I started on him saying its unfair, its pathetic and that its not okay but as per I'm crazy and controlling, nasty but now he has said he is leaving me, it all sucks but i really have no energy left and i just want to be happy and the kids to be happy

He is spending money he doesn't have, he is actively doing something that will make his depression worse - that isn't being a good Dad tbh.

OP he wants to have a single life and he sees it as you’re stopping him, hence the controlling comments.

What you are asking for is his time and attention, which he isn’t prepared to give as he wants to smoke weed. He’s an addict.

He doesn’t work, spends money he didn’t have, isn’t available emotionally and probably sexually to you, he gives nothing.

Get rid.

Thank you all I feel a little more clear headed now knowing people who have no biased opinion feel the same way about the situation as I do.