Tell me this is just me panicking and I didn’t make the wrong choice?

[Tophosh]

About a year ago I ended a 6 month relationship with someone I was actually quite fond of. He was fantastic to me and he didn’t want to break up. At the time I found him quite full on and it put me off a bit...he made the odd comment that was a bit patronising and sometimes I just didn’t feel hugely excited to spend time with him. I don’t really know why but I do know that at the time I just wanted to do my own thing and even though we started speaking on and off a few months later ..we got on well...I don’t think I so much as shed a tear when I ended it.

Fast forward a year, I have had a horrible short term relationship that ended badly (he turned out to be married!!), I’ve dated others that have just been a ‘no’ from the word go...and it made me think I can’t seem to find anyone now...should I go back to him?

I’m confused because I know at the time I was fine with ending things yet here I am now thinking I can’t find anyone nice out there and genuine. I didn’t fall for him but was I being picky? Would I have known by 6 months if he was right?

First of all, there was a reason why you broke up with him. He won’t have changed.
Secondly, it doesn’t sound as if you have been missing him. It sounds as if you are thinking of ‘settling’ for him. You don’t say how old you are but this is never a good idea.
Thirdly, you are assuming he would take you back. Do you know if he is in a relationship and/or wants to get back with you?
I think you should forget all these men, they are your past, and move on with your life.

It's you panicking. If you'd liked him enough, you wouldn't have ditched him.

I’m 35. I’m only thinking about him because I’ve had such awful experiences since...but I’m wondering if there’s something in that. Maybe he was better for me than I realised?

What I struggle with mostly is that I can’t identify what it was that made me so sure to end it, I just knew I wanted to

It’s not very flattering for him that the only reason you’re considering going back is that you’ve had a bad experience with someone else. He may well be nice but it doesn’t sound like he is the one for you

Don’t go back to him- you’re probably feeling this way as you’ve had a few bad experiences since then. There will be someone out there who you WILL feel excited to spend time with- don’t settle for him just because he was “nice” and keen. You’ll get bored and regret it. Don’t lose hope because the right man is out there! 💐

notacool I hope that is true. I think I felt like an idiot as at least he was nice to me...since then I’ve been involved with idiots. I hope I did the right thing and for the right reasons and that I wasn’t expecting too much !

Op I only have my own experience but if you have doubts I’d say it could be unlikely he was really right, however kind he was. It can be hard being sure especially since your recent months but that would be my reaction. I hope the right thing works out for you , whatever that is

That's not a nice way to treat someone. Why mess him around and realise in a few months he's still not for you, you know you can just be single right?

Well I wouldn’t go back there to mess him around! I was just thinking about it all and whether I made the wrong call. But I was so certain at the time that it wasn’t right. I can’t reallt remember why, it was just a feeling.

Don't make do when you're not really into him, he should be with someone who wants him first and foremost. It would be very unfair and cruel.

Oh and def panicking, you made the right choice. He looks good in comparison to some rubbish dates which is understandable.

You would know if there was a spark between you after 6 months of dating. I don't think you should go back to him.

Oh I did this once many years ago with someone I really got on with and actually always quite fancied. I was newly single from quite a serious three year relationship and we started hanging out quite a lot as friends, then out of the blue he tried to kiss me - I stopped him, I just wasn’t ready. I also thought he was possibly just trying to get into my knickers...I was still so young and tbh quite full myself. I realise now how foolish I was to let him go, I think he genuinely really liked me....was such a kind, lovely guy and would have been such a great DH. I wish now I’d never let it go 😒

I think you'd be feeling exactly the same within a week if you went back. Trust your instincts.

What is your relationship history generally? Have you had reasonably healthy relationships as a rule or have your relationships usually been dysfunctional? If the latter, you might find Women Who Love Too Much an interesting read. The author explains how abusive/dysfunctional relationships can be addictive and how a healthy, mature relationship can seem dull at first because it lacks the drama of the dysfunctional relationship. I may be way off-beam here so feel free to ignore me, if so!

I think the test is, if you hadn’t had a shit relationship would you have given him a second thought.

You broke up with him for a reason. That reason is still there.

Although you made a decision based on your gut instinct which is ultimatlely what I did too. Regretting and questioning break-ups is normal I suppose x

Relationship history not been great actually. And I do think he was a decent guy. But sometimes about him just made me feel frustrated and irritated quite often. I appreciated the good bits so I’m not deluded about when someone is nice and decent but perhaps I did overlook some of that when I was too busy finding other things annoying... maybe I should have overlooked that sort of thing instead.

One thing I found hard was that he would get cross about use of my phone...he always thought I was messaging other people and I wasn’t. I was more relaxed about it all than him so I think that’s why he maybe thought I was wanting to date others. But I wasn’t and it was very annoying when he raised that so much.

olivers no I don’t think I would. But it’s now become hard to remember exactly what was so bad about him and all I can think about is how nice he was to me!

Think Dery has a good point here. Some men just seem too safe and boring.

Oh that phone thing is definitely a big red flag!

Oh OP you are just having a case of the post break up collywobbles - you are feeling like shit and you want someone who is reliable and who you know is in to you.

But just remind yourself that you broke up for a reason (and honestly that chemistry/spark that you get with people that can lead to fantastic long term relationships well you can’t manufacture it, if it isn’t there after your months it will never be there)

You are looking back with rose tinted glasses OP but you really owe it to yourself not to settle. Better to be on your own than with someone who isn’t quite right.

Don't settle, you will soon tire of him, besides, a year later, he has probably moved on..