Is this situation unfair? WWYD?

[Feminist10101]

Just had my best friend on the phone in tears (again). She’s really struggling with a family situation and as an only child I’m struggling to know how to help her.

Basics are as follows. She has a younger sister. Both in their late 30s. Haven’t got on, ever, but not usually an issue because they live around 250 miles apart. Friend is the scapegoat whilst younger sister definitely the most golden of children.

Friend and her husband had issues last year and friend wanted to split. They have one child. Her mum said she could move into a rental property she owns to get some space and work out what she wants to do and that she could, if necessary, have some of her inheritance early to buy another house/establish a new life for her and her child quickly. Friend not sure about moving into their rental as it’s about 40 miles in wrong direction for work, but thinks ready cash might be helpful to resolve the situation quickly.

The following week her younger sister announces that she is pregnant following a one night stand. Immediately all focus shifts to her and friend is told she can’t now have any money because sister might need it being a single parent living away from the family.

Friend disappeared back into her shell and went for some private counselling, but being stuck in the house she owns with her husband not good for her mental health. Baby born just before lockdown. Parents travel down and stay with the younger sister for 5 months.

Sister travels back with them “for a break”. Is now moving into the rental and renting her (£1m+) house out. (Friend thinks sister was given around £250k towards the house while she has never had anything). Friend understands sister needs support but she is still stuck in the house with her husband and feels completely abandoned by her family. Her mental health is struggling and she doesn’t have £1k a month to spend on a rental property. She’s also worried about the impact moving out could have on her child, who has really struggled during lockdown.

She’s trying to hold it together but I’m really worried about her. I suspect she wants to go no contact with them all but I’m worried about her doing something silly if she does that.

Anyone got any ideas?

Her family sound bloody awful!

If I were advising her I would say:

Seriously consider nc with the family - your concern is that her mh will deteriorate if she did this but that's not necessarily the case. How often is she currently in contact with them? It could well HELP her mh as she wouldn't be having to constantly have the scapegoat/gc crap rubbed in her face all the time.

I'd also advise her to get counselling for her just "generally" as she needs support both with her family and her relationship

To look into how her finances would be if she did decide to leave her relationship - it might not be as bad as she fears.

I'd advise you to:

Understand that staying in contact with a toxic family is not necessarily helpful for her. You do at least understand it IS toxic which is better than many

Listen to her but for your own well-being avoid becoming her sole counsel. Set boundaries

Support her to become stronger and more assertive - keep conversations as much as possible about what she CAN do rather than what she can't

I'm sure others will be along to offer even better advice as I'll admit I'm struggling

I'm nc with my own sister after many years of having her treat me like shit and quite honestly while it was a difficult decision my life is much calmer now.

she doesn’t have £1k a month to spend on a rental property.

I'm not an expert but she might be entitled to some help with housing costs. It's worth her ringing the CAB or something.

Firstly she needs to do all she can for her mental health- that'll help the situation seem more bearable. She could go to her GP or if she's already been, go back and tell them how she's feeling. There are lots of things they can try.

I think she could directly explain to her mum or dad maybe? Spell it out for them again what's happening and how it's effecting her. In person is better than over the phone or anything. I don't see how they could justify helping one sibling and not the other.

I believe it’s always been this way. She did try to explain to her mum when they were talking about the issues she was having in her marriage (her counsellor advised she took the risk she had never taken in opening up) but because the sibling situation stems from a still birth her mum just shut down and wouldn’t acknowledge it.

My friend has really retreated into herself. She has been working really hard during lockdown (keyworker) and all of her free time has been limited to the house because of lockdown.

She works full time on about £40k so I don’t think she would be entitled to help, and there must be equity in their house but I think they have debt that would impact on affordability. I’ve offered for her to stay with me, but my place is tiny and I think she would want somewhere big enough for her to have her daughter with her at least half the time (she talks about feeling that leaving would be abandoning her daughter, which is what she feels her mother did to her. Her dad is supportive but not in control of anything really.)

I’m just so worried about her.