Sex Therapy!

[VeeFive]

Hi All, only just joined as I was looking for somewhere to gain feedback from real people.
It's hard to know where to start to keep the intro short, but I'm after sex advice for my relationship.
I have been with my wife for 20 years (only married for 1), I'm 47, she is 48 and intimacy has always been a little lacking as I have always had a higher sex drive, but 3 times in the last 5 years is taking it's toll on me. I've been understanding and supportive throughout everything (weight gain, depression etc.) never pressuring (obviously!) but I'm finding my head being turned by anything.
I must add I've never been unfaithful, but I spend time looking at other women on Instagram and feel that I am starting to look at other real women in a way that I would find letchy if I notice others doing it. I am conscious of it, so am stopping myself whenever I notice, but the building frustration is difficult to handle.
I have tried talking to her about it, but she was brought up with sex being taboo, she doesn't think there is a problem and I don't want her to do anything out of guilt.
What I am looking for from you wise lot is,:
Is it part of the norm for sex to stop at this age?
Am I being unreasonable?
Am I too passive?
I don't want my marriage to fall apart at this early stage, so any advice would be welcomed.
:)

Is this my husband!

Some questions:
What do you do to make your wife feel loved and appreciated? What's the balance of contribution to the householdld?
What do you do to make her feel desireable?

I’m wondering if you expected sex to differ once you were married- and also how you’ve not been married before now and what happened to make marriage happen so late in the relationship? She can’t fix a problem she doesn’t know exists- so you need to address it together.
It sounds more like relationship counselling you need as sexual therapy tends to be when there is no relationship aspect but rather specific sexual difficulty like premature ejaculation or inability to perform etc so you’d be fine to get “normal” counselling rather than sexual- which should be simpler to access.
How is the communication? What does she say about her feelings regarding sex and how does she act when you instigate physical intimacy? Massages? Baths etc? Is she looked after enough by you to feel relaxed and sexy?
Normal isn’t a helpful tool- so no comparing to others.

Some questions:
What do you do to make your wife feel loved and appreciated? What's the balance of contribution to the householdld?
What do you do to make her feel desireable?

Oh here we go.

My husband didn’t used to do jack shit, but I never lost my sex drive. Some people just don’t want sex and that’s fine, but op, this sounds like you will either have to accept a sexless marriage or leave.

You've been far too passive to accept no sex for 5 years and sadly, as it has been so long, I'm not sure if you'll be able to get it back. As I would advise women in the same situation, time for a tough conversation about the state of your marriage and it's future if no change is made. Be prepared that this could be a red line in your relationship that may end it.

Thanks for the replies so far.
There was more to it than I posted, but did try to keep it short to start with!
The long wait for marriage was down to me not pushing for it and lack of funds, but I saved hard and everyone had a brilliant day.
I do still try to make her feel loved and appreciated with hugs and rubbing sore muscles. I do as much or more than half of household chores, I pay all of the bills, food shopping, buy cars. My cooking is probably better, so do more meals. Financially, her actions have caused my bankruptcy, but I do not resent her for that.
The communication is a real problem for me, I'm not a talker and find approaching sensitive subjects difficult. When I do, it is a big deal for me and won't force it if she doesn't want to.
She says she is not against sex, but there is always a reason not to. This brings me to another problem caused by me; the rejection has worn me down where I am now mentally protecting myself by not putting myself in that situation again. Without my advances it has now been 15 months since either of us instigated anything. I no longer feel wanted for anything other than as a caring partner to look after her.
Looking at this from an outsiders point of view, I don't know what she brings to the relationship, but I still love her and know she is easily upset and I will do anything for her, even at the detriment of my own sanity!
There is so much more I could say, but typing this, I now realise finding a way to communicate my feelings to her is the only way, I just don't know how.
I was hoping there would be more people in the same situation who could magically make everything perfect again.
Thanks again for the reality check, I do appreciate all of your advice.

I could not stay in a relationship where I had only sex three times in five years.

I have to ask though why on earth you got married, when your sex life is so dire?

You need to discuss this with your wife and spell out exactly how unhappy you are and that your marriage is in jeopardy. Your wife has every right to be celibate but you have every right to want a fulfilling sex life with your partner.

I don't think sex therapy is the answer if she doesn't want sex. Fair enough if it was something she wanted to fix but it sounds like she just feels differently about sex than you do.

Does the relationship lack intimacy in general? It just sex.

I think if you feel yourself drawn to stray then it might be time to go your separate ways. Sitting down and having a convo about how you feel you need more sex, is not going to go down well. It will likely just make her feel like you are giving her an ultimatum.

A chat about lack if intimacy may go better but it wont change the fact that you have mismatched sex drives.

Sounds extreme but rather than live my life sexless, or make her feel pressured- I'd call it quits.

*or just sex

but she was brought up with sex being taboo, she doesn't think there is a problem and I don't want her to do anything out of guilt.
What I am looking for from you wise lot is,:
Is it part of the norm for sex to stop at this age?

I think it's to be expected for someone who was raised to see sex as a taboo subject not to feel particularly sexual. Unless she wants to address it for herself then you probably need to accept that's just how she is.

Achillesratty, it's not always straight forward, she has had problems with depression and has put on weight, so I have been supportive and understanding throughout without adding to her pressures. Her weight makes her feel unsexy, even though I have told her I love her the way she is, but her health is probably suffering which does concern me.
As mentioned, I try to do everything to help her through this difficult time, which may end up with a return of her sex drive - I am forever hopeful :D

I've just seen the post from Maurice169 and can see there may be another issue as she is posting something similar but from the wife's point of view, menopause is not something I have looked in to yet and could be part of the problem.

I think you need to sit down with her and have another discussion about it...and ask her to go to therapy so that she knows you are serious.
She tells you that she doesn't see it as a problem, but if it's a problem for one person in the relationship then it's a problem.

You deserve honestly. If she doesn't want to have sex with you then she should be honest about it so that you can make an informed choice rather than hoping that things will change.

You can't force her to be honest of course...but I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell her how you are feeling about this
of course on mumsnet this is often seen as coercion, but it's not coercion to be honest about how this is affecting you and your relationship. It's actually far worse that people string others along with excuses when the reality is that they genuinely don't want sex with their partner ever again and just won't be honest with them. I have seen numerous posts on here over the years from women who say that that's how they feel but they are afraid to tell their husbands.....I can understand why they're afraid, they don't want their marriage to break up. That doesn't make it ok though!