Is it worth chasing an ex when they've ended things?

[Annabellerina]

I was seeing someone for 8 months, he and I were in love (I thought) but quite up and down - I can be temperamental and my mood and feelings change easily, and he was quite rigid. I told him a lie to get him off my back about something, then admitted to it, then he ended things with me.

I know this isn't enough context but is it ever worth trying to get someone back once they've ended the relationship? I text him last night to say I knew we were done but I missed him and he said me too.

I wouldn't chase him but maybe one more message saying you would like to try again and does he think there is a chance for you. Be prepared that he may say no but at least you would know and be able to start moving forward with or without him.

I already said last week that I would like to try again and he said no. I left him alone for a few days as I know he could down much slower than me and then last night said I missed him and he responded in kind. So I'm seeing that as him warming back up to me but I could be deluded! He knows how I feel.

Calms* down

is it ever worth trying to get someone back once they've ended the relationship?

'Fraid not.

You have to let them go, and hope they miss you and want to come back. Your best recent is to live a great life, and forget them.

Too much drama surely? Relationships at this stage are meant to be amazing and hearts and flowers...!

8 months? Your description all sounds quite dramatic and tiring...for him!

Leave it. If there's still interest and feelings then only silence and space to miss you will bring them back. Trying to "get them back" and being in their face will only turn them off even more.

I agree it could be a little dramatic but was also hearts and flowers, from his side particularly. We were only together 4 months before lockdown and my mental health went a little south during lockdown, being a single working parent with school aged kids. He was my rock throughout but seems to have had a change of heart. I'll give him space.

The person who ended it should be the one coming back. Do not make contact again. Find things to keep you busy.

Sounds like a good thing he ended it. It wasn’t a good relationship.

@Annabellerina

I already said last week that I would like to try again and he said no. I left him alone for a few days as I know he could down much slower than me and then last night said I missed him and he responded in kind. So I'm seeing that as him warming back up to me but I could be deluded! He knows how I feel.

It's not necessarily him warming back up to you. I know from experience that feelings get confused when the other person doesn't want to let you move on and has to keep letting you know they're there. It's unfair and frustrating.

You said in the OP that you can be tempermental and your mood and feelings change quite easily..you haven't said anything about trying to fix that at all so why are you trying to get him back?

Blowing hot and cold like that can have the same effect as abusive behaviour where the other person doesn't ever know exactly how you feel....so the highs feel amazing because they come after the lows. It's not a healthy relationship for him to be in.

You lied to him and admitted it, why would he trust you again?

Let him be, the relationship is over.

Sorry

Did you post about this last week?

Is he the one who has no DC and

finished it.

Sorry if I've read it wrong

You told him you knew you were done and in that context he felt he could acknowledge he missed you.
That is not the same as 'warming back up to you', that's just acknowledging feelings in a situation where you know the relationship is over.
Don't take it as a sign you could be together again. Take it as a sign he's happy with the relationship being over despite the fact he misses you. If he wasn't he would be trying to change things.
He isn't so you need to move on.

This is so hard to hear but I needed to hear it.

I haven't posted about this before.
He said the same thing about me being hot and cold left him feeling huge highs and lows and was unhealthy for him. I thought he was being dramatic.

I've done some googling of my behaviour and I keep reading that men (generally) do this on purpose to unbalance women and that it's because they're abusive and narcissistic etc.

But this was genuinely how I felt, it was never on purpose. Some days I was deliriously in love with him, other days I was unsure. Especially as I have children who he was keen to meet and I was hesitant. I often wondered if I would feel so different day to day if he were really right for me.

Yep it is very unhealthy and the feelings the other partner shows aren't necessarily real feelings either, they are in response to the highs and lows and what the responses to what goes on in the body when that goes on. Often people stay trapped in abusive relationships with people they don't even like....because of the feelings of the highs and lows.

I understand that it's not on purpose...but that doesn't mean that it's ok, the effects on the other person are still the same.

I mean narcissists can't help being narcissists either....they treat people that way because the way their brain is wired means they crave that kind of drama, high emotions, ego boost and so on.

Many abusive men don't consider themselves to be abusive either....and nearly all of them will have stories behind why they treat other people that way.

The thing is, if you recognise you're not treating other people in a healthy way then you really need to try to get help for it and sort the issue out instead of hurting other people.

I have stayed single now for quite some time because I am very aware that because of previous experiences I would be very hot and cold at this time until I have healed some more.

Hmm I'm starting to think I should stay single too. I'm very clearly not able to conduct a healthy relationship. A few have been abusive from their side and then the last 2 have said that I was hot and cold.