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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is He Still Messing With My Head?

3 replies

Somefantasticplace · 16/08/2020 11:51

After 28 years together my STBEXH and I are separating and will divorce as soon as the no fault divorce route is available. I could probably divorce on unreasonable behaviour grounds as he has given me the silent treatment, gaslit etc. throughout our time together and I only just saw it a couple of years ago when I realised how close I was to breaking. I agreed to wait to reduce possible conflict.

Fast forward to now and we are discussing separation of finances. We have agreed to sell the house and split the proceeds and split other accounts. We'll deal with pensions at divorce (I have more than him). Up to now this has been what we agreed, and that we'll go our separate ways as soon as the house is sold and get a separation agreement drawn up by a solicitor.

Now he tells me that as he is changing career to something that pays less than me, it would be 'morally wrong' for us to have a clean split of finances at the point of separation as he was the breadwinner for many years while I was a SAHM. The idea is that I should support him financially until he thinks he can manage, or until divorce.

I of course pointed out that my contribution was equal to his as I did all childcare, life admin etc. but he sees that as a choice I made and he could have paid people to do what I did.

I have been so manipulated by him in the past I don't trust my judgement anymore. Is it morally right for me to support him? In the past few years I have returned to work and now have a decent salary while he chose to study to change career direction so is not working.

Am I in the FOG?

OP posts:
itchyfinger · 16/08/2020 11:57

Why is you being a SAHM "your choice" but his decision to change his career not "his choice". He could stay doing whatever he is doing and not need any support.

Are you in the UK? I'm no expert but I believe its 50/50 anyway, regardless of what he thinks is moral.

Bloodylush · 16/08/2020 12:01

That’s one reason why it’s best to divorce ASAP.

Somefantasticplace · 16/08/2020 12:07

Thanks for responding itchy and bloody, I know that a clean break and divorce would be best for me.

Problem is that I've waited so long (said I wanted a divorce in January) that my unreasonable behaviour examples are out of date and may not be accepted. We have basically lived separately under the same roof since then, apart for the finances still being joint.

Would this count against me in a divorce? I spoke to one solicitor who said it wouldn't and one who said it would.

I'm in the UK so I agree that 50/50 would be the starting point. His argument is that he supported me when I wasn't earning so it's wrong of me to remove support from him now.

OP posts:
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