Would this upset you?

[Amipissedoffornot]

DM recently told me that a few years ago she gave a significant amount of money to DB. I completely understand why she did it at the time. However life has moved on, his problems have resolved and he has offered to pay her back, but she has refused.

The reason she told me is because she's doing her will and wanted to tell me I will get an additional amount when she dies so it's fair. And then joked she will probably live another 20 years and all her money will go on care home fees.

We are not great financially atm (CV related) which she well knows. DB is now in a far better position than us, and lives a much nicer lifestyle in terms of cars, holidays, home improvements etc.

If we weren't struggling financially, or if DB simply couldn't afford to pay her back it wouldn't bother me but right now I'm quite upset. DM knows our situation and could easily afford to help us out a bit and has made noises about doing so but it's always very vague and never materialises. To be clear, I have never, and would never ask her for money.

I'm not going to say anything to her as it's her money etc etc but would this upset you? It's left me feeling really second best and right now I don't want to speak to either of them.

There is no golden child dynamic going on as far as I know, I just don't think she has in any way thought that this would feel like favouritism or that it would upset me. I just wish she hadn't told me tbh!

Did your DB ask for money when he was struggling? If so, why not just ask her? If you're not willing to say anything then I don't think you have any right to sit there quietly resenting it either. And yes, you're also right that it's your mum's money to do as she sees fit with. Sibling rivalry like this is why I'm glad I was an only child and why DS will be too

You are probably going to get jumped on OP, but I would feel exactly the same as you

I don't know tbh.

How have you responded when she has made these vague offers?

Perhaps it was a way of letting you know the help was there if you needed it but without offering it directly?

Presumably, your brother was younger at the time? Did he ask outright if they could help? If you are married now, does she feel that your husband would be offended? (archaic and sexist, I know, but then previous generations often are )

If she's said she'll equalise it in the Will then it doesn't sound like favouritism and she has made offers so there is clearly a thought process behind it.

Could you talk to her about it?

Actually I would spell out that you are struggling... I can't imagine helping only 1 of my dc.
The resentment will set in of you don't. She should ask db for it back and lend it to you.

Yes it would upset me OP.

Your situation is comparable with your DB's and since he offered to pay her back, she should Al's help you.

I don't care what other MN's think, my own beliefs based on growing abroad and in another culture is that parents should help if they can. By what you are saying your DM can help. I would just be open and say so.

Good luck

I don't actually know whether DB asked for the money or if she offered it. I know the circumstances and I do understand why she did it. Given she's seen me cry over our financial situation in the last few months I'd have hoped she'd know where I'm at. Perhaps I should be direct and ask, I'm just not that type of person. We are all fully grown adults left home a long time ago btw, so there is no 'helping out young adult' scenario.

It's not even the money so much (although we could really do with it!), it's the different treatment and the way she told me almost in passing / as an afterthought even though she knows we are a bit skint. I just think I would have approached it very differently in her shoes, I suspect she just didn't think (as is often her way).

@Amipissedoffornot

I don't actually know whether DB asked for the money or if she offered it. I know the circumstances and I do understand why she did it. Given she's seen me cry over our financial situation in the last few months I'd have hoped she'd know where I'm at. Perhaps I should be direct and ask, I'm just not that type of person. We are all fully grown adults left home a long time ago btw, so there is no 'helping out young adult' scenario.

It's not even the money so much (although we could really do with it!), it's the different treatment and the way she told me almost in passing / as an afterthought even though she knows we are a bit skint. I just think I would have approached it very differently in her shoes, I suspect she just didn't think (as is often her way).

I completely get it OP.

Why not ask your DB so you can find out the details? Tell him hw you feel to, it's good for him to know as siblings ideally should be a united team.

Them maybe after you find out more you can jointly approach your DM? This way the pressure won't be all on you.

Communication is not easy, but it's surely easier than dwelling on this and getting frustrated. Your DM may seriously be blinkered as to how much this is upsetting you. Hope it all goes well for you.

Might she have told you so that you know her 'vauge' offers have been genuine?

She might not want to insult you by offering you a handout. It might have been her way of letting you know it was a genuine offer.

Might she perceive you as being a strong, proud, independent person/couple?

I know that my exh and I received far few offers of babysitting than his brother did. My ex ILs were quite involved in their lives - the children at bedrooms at their house etc. It didn't bother us because we knew it was only because they perceived he and I to be more capable and competent than his brother and his partner and felt they were needed more by them. It wasnt favouritism.

Unless there is a negative backstory, I'd say this sounds like she is trying to skirt around the issue rather than tell you directly that the money is there is you need it.

It would have been much better not to have disclosed the information to you.

What could you do with the information when you received it?

What positive contribution could it have ever made to you?

I struggle to understand why people ever disclose aspects of wills, advances on wills etc etc. All it does is create tensions and divisions that otherwise wouldn't exist.

There are a few options -

1. Do nothing, move on and don't think about it anymore.

1. Make a specified request to your DM for £xxx to assist you in (whatever situation you are struggling with), with no mention about anything to do with your DBro's repayment. Keep it completely between you and you DM, leave DBro out of it.

1. Make the specific request as 2 above, and suggest that as DBro is due to repay DM, that DM makes a request to him to pay the £xxx money (your specific requested amount) to you.

IMO these situations with money unearth many unanticipated complex feelings that go way beyond the money itself, so my Option 1 is what I would always favour. I just hate having to broach the subject of money, it's ugly and messy. And anytime in life where I've chosen to distance myself from the whole sordid discussion I've always without exception gained a sense of control and hence contentment from the absence of stress. But only you know how strongly you feel about it all.

I would think she was unreasonable if you had asked her for money and she said no. But you haven't asked.

DM knows our situation and could easily afford to help us out a bit and has made noises about doing so but it's always very vague and never materialises. To be clear, I have never, and would never ask her for money.

She has offered. You haven't responded. You oculd do with the help. Why wouldn't you now talk to her about it?

You say she has made noises about giving you money and You also say you would never ask for money - Have you actually had a frank conversation with her about borrowing or having some money?

You’re hanging your feelings on a lot of what ifs and maybes and you haven’t actually been frank with her. She has been honest with you about lending him the money and putting it in the will for you but you haven’t been honest with her about how you feel, but then you’re judging her for not reading your mind. You need to actually talk to her. If you don’t, then YABU.

Maybe ask her? Or ask your brother?

But yes I would be very upset if I were you. It seems cruel

You could say rather than allocate it after her death, it would really help your finances now and you would like her to see the benefit while she's still around.

You need to open your mouth and ask if you need it. Mum isn't at fault here.

Thanks all, food for thought. I think some of what I'm carrying is from a long time ago, when as a very young adult I was made to feel like I was being a real nuisance whenever I needed financial support, which makes me loathe to outright ask for any now. I don't think I'm expecting her to be a mind reader as I tell her a lot, but I guess I was hoping she would understand me a bit better than she does. I'm clearly hoping for too much! I'm going to sleep on it tonight and work out if / what to do about it. @daisychain01 your post has been particularly helpful, thank you. As you say no good comes of discussing this stuff and I really wish she just hadn't told me!

She might not have done it the right way bit was she thinking that if you found out DB want paying her back, you night be upset so she wanted to reassure you that she's put that money aside for you?
Would it be reasonable for her to assume you're too proud to ask and she's therefore figured it's best not to?

Honestly I think if you're this close and you need help, you need to be direct.

A friend of mine was in a similar position. They were also told the will had been changed but when the mother died, it hadn't. The proceeds were split, as per the will, between both siblings. My friend's sister refused to consider reducing her amount even slightly. This has resulted in the siblings not speaking since the funeral.

If you need the money ask!