MIL / Culture problems - I'm British she's Russian

[musicmama18]

Hi everyone!

Just after a bit of advice really.. I've never seen eye to eye with my MIL, she quite clearly isn't a fan of mine and I find it hard to keep trying to get in good books, so I've stopped and I've put up boundaries, mostly since my son was born - gave me a set of balls..

Anyway she tends to visit us and come stay every 2-3 weeks and will stay for 2-3 nights at a time..

She speaks russian as mother tongue and a bit of english, but doesn't enjoy it as she struggles (even though been in the country 23 years) but that's another topic.

She wants my son to learn russian (and i agree!) but she also doesn't like it much when I'm around, she wants to be with him on her own exclusively.

I do understand building a relationship is important but when my son (22 months) says 'cuddle mama' 'see mama' at times whilst with her - I feel a degree of awkwardness.

Do I keep hoping in the room? Do I keep checking he's ok?

I usually go check if i can hear him asking after me. She wants to take him to the park with my DH and our son (without me) never directly said but very clear.

'Oh you waiting here? we take him so you have a break'

It's currently all under the guise of giving me time, which is rubbish!

I feel she wants to hone in and has made comments, she isn't seeing him enough. She is very overbearing and me and DH can only manage every few weeks (tbh even 2 nights staying feels like a headache at times)

but I'm aware it is an important relationship to foster, but not force surely?

Thank you in advance!
X

Also I'm aware the Russian thing doesn't have much to do with this! It could be culture playing a part here? But I'm pretty sure most MIL and DIL's do not see eye to eye!

I think language barriers do play a part though!

My kids ex mil is like this. Honestly I just went with it. I went back to work at 13weeks after each DC - standard in France.

If the DCs were sick she'd pick them up take them back to hers and return them when they were better. An absolute god send for work. Because she had a proper relationship with them this was possible. She was available to them in a way I wasn't due to work.

She and the kids preferred it if I wasn't around because I changed the dynamic. So she'd come and pick them up and have them at her house.

She takes them away every year for 10 days to an exotic location - they all enjoy it. They're mid teens now.

I know the MN standard view is completely different, but this has always worked for us.

Do you trust her to have the best interests of your DC? If so can you really not just let them get on with it?

I also agree it is normal for grandparents to want alone time. You are very lucky.

Thank for your response!

I would be happy to let them get on with it, but i suppose it's where he is still very young and she is constantly saying what she thinks is right/wrong.. the overbearing nature is an annoyance but i do understand she lost her husband 5 years ago and i feel my son is filling a void too.. i find her controlling and i don't want her like that with my son, in fact i won't allow it..

she is always saying something is 'dangerous' 'unsafe' etc., and makes him edgy i see it!

she isn't a relaxed or chilled person (only in the house she is, but outside she's a worrier) and i don't like the thought she puts it on him :/ he is too young for that..

I am not sure they notice. My kids were looked after by their great grandmother (whole different generation) and she was a worrier. I actually think they learn very quickly that their own sense of danger can be trusted.

Could you cut the visits down?

I agree with PP - unless you think your MIL will be negligent and your son will come to harm, it’s good and healthy to allow them to build their own relationship. My DDs were going out and about with their grandparents from the sort of age your son is now - earlier in fact - and it was great.

They have a very good, relaxed relationship with all the surviving grandparents (very sadly two have since died). And we allowed the grandparents to do things a bit differently from us - we trusted them because they’d already raised us so we assumed they knew a thing or two about parenting. And they never did anything we would have regarded as risky. The more caring adults a child has in their life the better, I think.

PS - fabulous if your son can grow up bilingual in English and Russian - that will open up all kinds of opportunities.

I can certainly understand your anxiety, but, unless you think he is unsafe with her, it does seem like it would be best to step back and let go a bit when she is with your son.

I'm particularly struck by this comment: " I find her controlling and i don't want her like that with my son, in fact i won't allow it."
That sounds like her controlling approach is easily matched by yours. Understandable on your part, I know. But it is setting up a battle that will be at least as uncomfortable for your son as any behaviour that is your MIL's alone.
Better to let her do things her way and you do things your way. If that is allowed to happen in a relaxed way your son will adapt confidently to the different styles - and he is bound to take his lead much more from you than from her. Learning about the differnces between people, learning to negotiate those differences confidently, is an important skill. If you try too hard to shape his interactions he has less opportunity to learn.
It does seem that the cultural differences are not really at the core of it the difficulty. My Polish MIL has all sorts of (to me) weird ideas about what is dangerous for children and what is good for them, so I know that can be irriating. But essentially, this seems to be about having the confidence to allow your son to build his relationships with others freely, without (understandable) anxious shaping from you.

Thanks to all for input so far :)

xx

My MIL is very different to me and has totally different views on most things. However she loves my daughter and loved to look after her. I decided that children can never have too many people to love them and my daughter quickly learned that grandma did things differently to mummy. It also meant that we had a babysitter whenever we needed one! Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face 😀

Ok so key points are

1. You are worried she's making him anxious as she's a worrier and full of Donts and hyper awareness of danger

• you need to talk to her about impact in him as it's making him edgy, but ultimately that's who she is

1. He asks for you when with her. Go in if you hear him if you think he genuinely needs his mum at that point . Cuddle and leave

1. As for going to the park with Dad and Grandma, well what's your issue with that?

1. You and DH find her visits stressful. Every 2-3 weeks for a long weekend or two nights/3days is a lot for a staying visitor

• cut this down "we find it too much"
• she stays shorter period or less frequently

It's a long game. Good that she is seeing her DGS regularly but it's a stressful arrangement . It doesn't work when the DCs get older and you don't have to do this if it doesn't work for you anymore. These years are precious, they are your young family's years. DGM is intruding but DGPs are also precious so I'd find a compromise that I could live with

Wow other posters are being very tolerant. I'm with you OP, I would hate this. It's normal for you to feel protective of your son, especially while he is little.