Insecurities plaguing me..

[Itsallpointless]

I am a member of a few Meetup groups, not hobby groups, just socialising. I'm chatty, I find it easy, I think people would think I was very sociable, when actually I don't think I am

My problem is that after every 'gathering' I think to myself "was I ok, did I say anything wrong, did I speak enough to the lady on my left etc etc"
I know full well I did nothing 'wrong' but this is how I feel after most meet-ups.

I also can't seem to take friendships to the next level, though I have people's numbers and communicate via text occasionally and am invited out privately. I see lots of people making real friendships, I have made one very close one, but can't seem to make any more. I've been on these groups around 2 years now

I recognise this. I don't know what the answer is.

I suppose it's a bit like dating though. Not every man you meet is going to turn into a relationship. Some you might go on a few dates with, some might become a fling, some might become a short terms casual relationship, some might become a LTR and then, if you're lucky, one might go the distance.

I also know that I'm looking for quite specific things out of friendships. And the people I develop real friendships with are the sort who often describe themselves as 'antisocial'. I say similar. They're not and I'm not, we're just quite discerning about the sort of people we choose to spend our time with.

So I'm quite happy not to become friends with everyone I meet. Plus, when early friendships have fizzled out, I've quite often learnt things about them afterwards, or seen the way they interact with others, and realise they're not quite my sort of people after all...

Not having loads of friends isn't a bad thing

@Itsallpointless, I totally get where you are coming from. I tend to overthink what I said, how I acted and be very critical about myself. Things got bad a few years ago when we invited two couples to our house for dinner. One couple we were extremely close to beforehand. It was the other couple who suggested we all get together, not us. We arranged a takeaway night round ours. It was a good evening and the plan was to do it again. Afterwards I discovered that the other two couples met up several times without us. We were not invited. Left me thinking what did we do wrong. Felt very hurt by it tbh. We still on occasion bump into these couples but keep it to minimal detail when chatting. They aren’t the sort of people I want to spend any time with now.
Sorry, that isn’t very helpful of me. I just think some people are not worth wasting your time on. I know two people I would actually call my friends. I’ve know these people for 15 - 20 years. I just don’t make new friends easily.

@TheCatsLastRevenge phew, thought it was just me, that's why I just had to post it to see if I wasn't 'weird'! A very good comparison you've given too, as I do feel in life your friendships tend to be built also on that 'click' isn't it? And yes, I always tend to be on the periphery of groups, so I'm always with those type of people you describe.

@heatseeker14 I would've felt very wounded, and, like you, feeling I'd done something 'wrong'. It's situations like this that make me retreat, and feel I just don't want to bother any more. I don't know why people behave like this, it's very common though I think.

I don't really want lots of friends, and I certainly don't want to be in the 'popular'clique, but I do question things, or maybe just over think. Whatever it is, it makes me feel rubbish

Reassuring to know I'm not alone though

Whatever it is, it makes me feel rubbish

It used to make me feel rubbish and I've posted similar in years gone by too.

I've recently become friends with a couple who are my daughter's best friend's parents. I've known them for 10 years but only really spoken a handful of times. We had a bit of a bonding experience recently and they invited me over for the evening. I went and it was like I'd known them all my lives!!

We now see each other regularly and a holiday together next year has been discussed.

On paper, we are so different and, yet, we just clicked, yes.

Tbh, I don't know your situation and, it's a bit of a cliche 🙄, but I'm single and a lot of my friendships over the years have fallen by the wayside because the husband has decided to hit on me at some point. Can't see that happening this time (but then I never do...) so, hopefully, this one will go the distance!

When I've felt hurt that others have retreated, I've been honest about whether they were the sort of person I could tolerate spending loads of time with and, often, they weren't.

• all my life. I'm pretty sure I've only had one!

@Itsallpointless, I don’t understand why they do it. It has made me more closed off to people now. Probably not such a bad thing. As far as I know the two couples don’t meet up now. All a bit weird.
I feel the same as you not wanting to be part of a popular clique. Over the years I’ve watched as popular cliques have imploded. It’s all a bit too much too soon with those types of groups IMO.
You are definitely not alone!🙂

I do this as well at the moment, it’s quite bad and happens after almost every reaction with a friend. Did I talk too much? Did I share too much? Was I overbearing? Do they speak to me out of pity?

Clearly I have very low self-esteem as well as a fear of letting people see ‘me’. I was also hit hard when I lost a very close friend last year... I don’t know why the friendship fizzled out because they never talked to me about it despite my best efforts, so I was (and still am) left to guess and imagine every scenario.

I have quite a few friends I meet up with but only two I feel close too. I’ve been having a difficult time recently and it’s highlighted how alone I feel.

I did meetups for two years and made one good friend out of it. I was invited to private gatherings but always got the sense that everyone in the room felt awkward, like the ‘friendships’ were superficial and didn’t really exist outside the platform of Meetup.

That’s not a lot of help to you but I wanted you to know you’re not alone in feeling the way you do.

@SaltKatten you sound very much like me, I do this with friends too, but they're generally not my really good friends. I'm so afraid of them seeing the 'real' me in case they reject me. This stems from a combination of being bullied at primary school, and being the 'baby' of the family, where I now realise my voice was never heard, and my opinion wasn't valued.
These are my thoughts and feelings, and the 'diagnosis' based on lots and lots of reading and chats with people over the years.

I will have to try and develop a thick skin, and not take things personally, easy to say, not do I hasten to add!

The private gatherings seem ok, but I still don't feel any closer to them, maybe that's because you need to invest time, that's what I don't really have if I'm honest, so kind of look for the 'click' which makes it so much easier.