Is my marriage over?

[Qwadratic]

Hi. First time poster, found this forum and didn’t know who else to ask. I am concerned about my marriage. My DW and I have been together for 11 years, married for 8. We have a DD who is 3.

My worry is that she just doesn’t love me any more. I know that long term relationships change over time but I’m at the end of my tether really. Sorry if this post ends up very long.

A bit of back story... she’s had a number of health issues which began just before we moved in together (me relocating to her part of the country). Throughout these various health issues I was supportive as I could be and at various points had to care for her. We’ve got through the worst of these before DD was conceived. Once DD was born my wife suffered a bout of Post Natal Depression. She wouldn’t do meds as she was breast feeding (her choice I know). She started some CBT over the phone but stopped after a few sessions (unbeknownst to me... I had been taking DD out so the house was quiet for these sessions for months before I found out that she hadn’t been doing them).

DW then returned to work and had a really rough time with a new boss and the stresses of work that had always been around. This resulted in her going on anti-depressants and resigning from her job. She is now in a new career that she enjoys more which is great. Throughout all of this I was supportive as I could be and took on responsibilities for all housework etc, as well as doing a fair share of caring for DD (more if DW was having a particularly bad day).

DW is, thankfully, much happier now but I seem to have retained all household duties. I do all cooking, cleaning, household admin (bills etc), food shopping, clothes washing etc. At the moment her only job seems to be writing the shopping list for the meals she picks for me to cook for her... I would say we share caring responsibilities for our DD 50/50. I work full time (as does DW) and I am exhausted.

The thing that is really getting to me is the lack of affection/interest. Our sex life is pretty much non-existent. When it does happen (once a month ish) it is always initiated by me. As such afterwards I feel guilty that I may have some how pressured her into it (she assures me this isn’t the case). Kisses and cuddles are rare and if I want a kiss or a hug I usually have to ask (which I know sounds weird).

When I suggest getting someone to look after DD so we can have a “date” she doesn’t seem interested (she frequently goes out with groups of friends leaving me at home with DD). I don’t have any friends or hobbies etc - my whole life is work or doing things for DW and DD which is fine but I am starting to resent it a bit. The only thing other thing I do is matched-betting which earns some extra money on the side but this money all gets saved or spent on DW (new car recently) or DD. I guess I feel unappreciated?

I am still in love with my wife. I spoke to my wife about all of this a few weeks back and told her how I felt. Her response was “That’s really sad, I’m sorry you feel like that”. Since then I have seen no effort on her part to improve things.

Sooooo.... my question is, is my marriage over? Do you think she still loves me or just loves having everything done for her?

Reading this back I know I sound needy. If I just need to man-up and get in with it then please feel free to tell me so!

If you managed to read all of this, you deserve a medal!

Oh dear, what a sad story. It sounds as though your DW has some quite complex issues and a quick solution is probably not on the cards. But you sound perhaps a bit passive in all this - I think you should arrange a date night when you know she is available and tell her, rather than ask her. Could you make it a surprise event?

When it comes to doing things in the house I’d suggest you start by asking her to do a few small simple things, can you pop in and buy xx on the way home from work? You are really good at cooking xx so could you do it for dinner on Saturday?

You should not need to ask if you want to show affection in an LTR, do you think she is afraid of you? Depression can affect people in strange ways and fro what you say I wonder if your DW still has symptoms.

If you aren’t able to engage her in this way then you will need to sit her down and try to have a more serious talk.

@Anothernick
Thanks for the reply. I think I might follow your suggestion of planing a surprise night out. I can’t think of any reason why she would be afraid of me....

Would she go back to her GP and talk about further treatment? Have you tried to discuss the issues with her? Maybe couples counselling would be an option as it gives you both a safe space to talk about things

@Fairycake2
Thanks Fairycake. I don’t know if she’d consider going back to the doctors. She says that she feels fine now with regards to her mental health since she started her medication and changed jobs. She also took up running around the same time to help which is good.

I feel a bit selfish now as I think my main issue is that I feel I’m doing everything and she’s not showing any interest is “us”. Maybe I need to re-evaluate and realise that she isn’t in the right place for us to be coupley at the moment.

Couples counselling could be good but the thought of bringing it up fills me with dread. I don’t want her mental health to take another nose dive.

Women do this everyday

Tbh I think she has checked out the marriage.

Stop doing all the housework. Make a list - get her to agree to do it equally or pay for a cleaner.

Decide whether you want to keep living like this. If not, end the marriage.

@rebecca102
Thanks. I’m aware of that. If the situation between my wife and I was the other way around she would be entitled to feel disgruntled as well.

@smallbitofbark
Thanks. I hope you are not right. I can’t really imagine ending the marriage. She was my first serious relationship and the thought of ending it is terrifying. I think I have a fair of thinking/soul searching to do.

Honestly, you’re doing nothing wrong but she just doesn’t feel the same about you anymore. There’s nothing you can do to can that. For your own sake think about separating.

That's very true @rebecca102 and they normally get told to leave the lazy bastard by MN!