Celibacy as a choice

[MayDayHelp]

I know I’ve always had a really unhealthy relationship with sex (since I was a teenager), and have used sex as a way of validating myself. I’ve had a LOT of sexual partners and relationships.

I am currently nursing a broken heart having been played badly, and for the first time in my life I instinctively feel like I really need some time on my own. I’ve done some fairly long stints of being single before, but there would always be regular hook ups or FWBs lurking around so the sex was always still there.

I need to recalibrate and sort my fucking head out. I have been reading about celibacy and I know that’s what I need to do. The idea is quite exciting but also terrifying, sex is an addiction for me so I really don’t know how I’ll get on with it. It’s like a drug, but the drug isn’t working anymore.

I was thinking I’d go for 6 months and see how I feel after that, and also during that time hopefully restart the counselling I was having before COVID. Maybe my life will be so much richer for it and I’ll decide this is how I want to be forever. Or maybe after that time I’ll be ready to start dating but with more respect for myself and other people. I’m nearly 40.

I feel like I’m about to jump off a cliff, does anyone have any similar experience of choosing to be celibate?

No, but know many people who live without sex and it isn't an important part of their lives.

I think we live in a society that has almost trained us to expect sex to be important, and to think we are odd if we don't.

I suspect it's one of those things that feels hugely important initially, but that you quickly get used to being without.

I’m just beginning with this myself after a relationship turned violent. I didn’t see it coming and it made me realise how much power, aggression and pain men have inflicted on me throughout my life. I have lost my faith in men and no longer want to be with one, or even have a fling. I have decided to be celibate and work on making peace with myself and being alone. I will truly focus on myself and my own happiness, possibly for the first time ever.

Have you considered therapy? It sounds like it’s worth exploring why sex has become an addiction for you.

It’s a interesting one. I didn’t have sex between the ages of 31 and 36. I didn’t at any point think, ‘I’m going to be celibate for the next 5 years’. It just happened that sex wasn’t a priority at all during that time. I left a bad marriage at 31 and then had my hands full with being a single mum to 2 small children and trying to re-establish my career.

I missed intimacy at times but I didn’t miss sex at all. In retrospect, I think being celibate for that time was hugely beneficial. It gave me time to focus on my children and work out who I was and what I wanted. When I was ready to date again, I took no shit and met my new (lovely) partner fairly quickly.

Yes. I recommend a magic wand toy if you don't have one already. www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/vibrators/magic-wand-vibrators/ Being single doesn't have to mean being frustrated.

I'm actually happier with my sex life as I don't have to do anything I mightn't want to do, sexual 'chores' like handjobs, BJs etc, which I mightn't always have felt like doing or at least not for as long as I did, but did because they're an accepted part of sex.

I also like that I don't have to be naked in front of anyone, or dress up for it.

It's lovely.

I've only ever had sex with people I had really strong feelings for throughout my life. Only 4 sexual partners. I've only had 1 ONS, when I was a student. I've had long periods of celibacy after my marriage broke down and while I was pursuing the man who later played me.

I can't say its done me any good. In fact, it would have been better if I had been a little less niaive and easily hurt. It would be better if I was more aware of what most men are really like. But I don't think 6 months without sex is really celibacy, although it might do all you say re giving you breathing space and time to reassess. Perhaps the middle way is best.

I've totally lost my libido after being dumped harshly during lockdown for someone else. If I feel it coming back, half an hour spent on Tinder rapidly makes me lose it again!

Interesting responses. I have some deep man related trauma and I think maybe I’ll never be ok to have a proper relationship. I agree 6 months isn’t long but it seems like a palatable amount of time to begin with. Long enough to break the cycle I’m in anyway. And if I’m enjoying it I’ll carry on.

Sex is natural though. It is beautiful when it is right.

I can do without, and have done for years in both my 20s and 30s. But never permanently. I need to be able to make my own choice to come back to sex, in the way that I want it. I think you do too.

Not sure if that helps. But I have admiration for what you are going to do. We do not need sex to be happy, that is the bottom line really.

A period of celibacy is just what you need but don't put a timeline on it. Just decide that you need a period by yourself and invest in a toy. I'm much happier that way, and I have had years of similar issues to yourself. Psychologically it's very liberating. I've also found it fascinating to gain insight into my previous behaviour around men. I've been celibate for a couple of years and I can't see it ending any time soon. I love it. I hope I will one day meet someone I can be comfortable with but the freedom from sexual chores whilst still being satisfied is going to be hard to give up, scuse the pun.

I can't say its done me any good. In fact, it would have been better if I had been a little less naive and easily hurt. It would be better if I was more aware of what most men are really like

@IncandescentSilver I've had a fair few lovers/love interests over the years. The more you have, the more often you risk someone treating you like shit, I feel. Imagine you'd had those 4 or 5 you've had, and all that pain. Then after that you have another 50, and all that pain, etc etc until you lose count.

I have some deep man related trauma and I think maybe I’ll never be ok to have a proper relationship

I am in therapy due to men, especially the latest one. It is intense.

I'm sure you could have a proper relationship if you wanted. I would never want to live with someone again, but I don't think that rules out a 'proper relationship' at some point if I happen to meet the right person. There is someone out there for everyone.

SoulOfAnAragon @IncandescentSilver I've had a fair few lovers/love interests over the years. The more you have, the more often you risk someone treating you like shit, I feel. Imagine you'd had those 4 or 5 you've had, and all that pain. Then after that you have another 50, and all that pain, etc etc until you lose count.

Thats true, thanks for your words.

Can anyone advise what kind of therapy is out there for man trouble? My last one has hit me really hard.

If I feel it coming back, half an hour spent on Tinder rapidly makes me lose it again!

I’m with you on this @IncandescentSilver . I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again after the last relationship. He taught me that even the most seemingly loving, gentle, self-professed feminist man can turn violent if it suits him. I knew the ones before him were arseholes from Day 1 (more fool me), but not him.

With therapy I think it’s just a case of finding the right therapist for you rather than a specific therapy that’s right for Man Trauma. Start with the BACP website.