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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Blocking: Is it empowering or giving them the power?

45 replies

LilMissRe · 15/08/2020 12:06

I'm in two minds about it.

What are your opinions?

OP posts:
IncandescentSilver · 15/08/2020 21:07

Personally, I don't like it, unless its due to harassment or you've really fallen out with someone.

I find it a bit callous just to block people you have had a minor disagreement.

My ex blocked me 2 days after dumping me for someone else. I only sent him 3 short, confused text messages. It made everything all the more hurtful. Theres so much blocking going on, I don't think its a good way to be. It easy enough just not to contact someone.

LilMissRe · 15/08/2020 21:36

@TheSecondMrsAshwell

Have a look at Runninginrain's threads

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3835502-Dumped-by-text-part-2

They're very instructive

Thank you. I've just read every post on her threads and am amazed. What a great lady.
OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 15/08/2020 21:57

Blocking is for immature twats. I'd only do it if someone was abusive or you fear they will harm you. otherwise it's ridiculous for an adult to behave ths way.
My ex husband of 20 years totally blocked me and actually there are important things we need to discuss concerning the house and other things and quite honestly this has made me no longer respect him in any way shape or form.
Its a means of not being able to cope with reality or problems - you should be able to deal with the odd conversation without blocking and it just makes you look like an idiot.
I haven't read this thread by the way so I don't know if there are any extenuating circumstances.

Glitteris · 15/08/2020 22:13

Every PP who hate blocking is talking about an ex. But the truth is if they didn't have to ability to block they probably would still find another way to ignore you.
My exh has never ever blocked me and he still doesn't communicate properly about the dc!

And including everyone who blocks to be the same as you terrible ex is ridiculous.

I block people who I do not need to communicate with in the future. Be it some guy I was chatting to on tinder who after two days of talking decides to starts acting foolish or to my exh who can email if he has anything to say.

First off my mental health is more important than if someone I don't like can get in contact with me quickly. People tend to think more before they email. Also men who act foolish on texts before you meet usually act the same generally and I don't need to be waking up to random texts or every couple of weeks receive some annoying 'how you doing.'

And if someone feels that you blocked them because they are so important that's in them. I just don't want to deal with outside negativity.

Smallsteps88 · 15/08/2020 22:58

Well what’s clear from this thread is people have very different experiences of being contacted by people they don’t want to be contacted by! Grin calling people “immature twats” for blocking someone is, IMO, a very immature perspective.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 15/08/2020 23:07

@madcatladyforever

Blocking is for immature twats. I'd only do it if someone was abusive or you fear they will harm you. otherwise it's ridiculous for an adult to behave ths way. My ex husband of 20 years totally blocked me and actually there are important things we need to discuss concerning the house and other things and quite honestly this has made me no longer respect him in any way shape or form. Its a means of not being able to cope with reality or problems - you should be able to deal with the odd conversation without blocking and it just makes you look like an idiot. I haven't read this thread by the way so I don't know if there are any extenuating circumstances.
But why do I have to deal with a random indian guy for example spamming my fb inbox every three months just in case I changed my mind and HE is the love of my life?

Or just randoms looking for a chat,dick pics,sex chat etc?

Or MLM huns?

Or if I was still dating a bloke I have no interest in?

Or an ex from 10 years ago that found my number ?

Or people that have been dicks to me?

What's the point? Why do I HAVE to deal with them? I don't want to.

What your ex is doing is totally shitty, but he'd still be a head in the sand arsehole and find ways to ignore you even if you weren't blocked. It's the person that's the issue here, not the action.

Smallsteps88 · 15/08/2020 23:11

My ex husband of 20 years totally blocked me and actually there are important things we need to discuss concerning the house and other things and quite honestly this has made me no longer respect him in any way shape or form.

I think you can safely assume that if someone has blocked you, they have no interest in whether you respect them or not Grin

Whathewhatnow · 15/08/2020 23:57

Empowering. Dependent on reason.

I've only ever blocked one person and that is because he is a malignant narcissist who will do the whole idealise-contact-big up-devalue-discard cycle. Blocking means he cant get to me accidentally, or when my barriers are slightly lowered for some reason. It's a form of protection and control.

Flatsfromnowon · 16/08/2020 04:43

@Whathewhatnow - can you explain the malignant narcissist and the idealise - contact - big up - devalue and discard cycle please?

Asking as recently blocked and ghosted...!! No bloody idea why!

Shesapunkpunk · 16/08/2020 04:46

How could it ever be giving them power? It is not their choice. I am not being belligerent, I really would genuinely find it helpful to understand your thought process.

supercali77 · 16/08/2020 05:57

I used to be against blocking on the basis that I can just ignore and depending on the person, blocking showed i was arsed. Reality is....if you are arsed or you know contact with them disturbs your peace. Block is your friend. I do it anytime now that I think...this person (let's face it, a man, usually someone ive dated) will get in touch again and I'll have to ask myself whether I reply/see them again. Why bother. Once you decide they're no good for you, remove the option.

Shesapunkpunk · 16/08/2020 06:00

How do people know they are blocked though? Because if they find out they are blocked, then surely it shows they noticed. So......

Whathewhatnow · 16/08/2020 08:39

@Flatsfromnowon people with narcissistic personality disorder tend to follow a set pattern in relationships, be they romantic ones or friendships. First comes a period of love-bombing and telling you you are their everything/ soulmate/ kindred spirit (idealisation). Then comes devaluation (suddenly little things are wrong with you, chip chip chip (devaluation). Then you don't get them/ have been cruel to them/arent of any further use to them (discard). Often this is then followed weeks later by the hoover... suddenly we are back to stage 1... they've missed you, they were wrong, can we talk please etc etc etc. And the last bit is why he is blocked! I found myself falling back into contact despite his cruel, cold shutdowns.

I'm so sorry you've been ghosted. Been ghosted, though, is always a lucky escape. It doesnt say a great deal about their character!

ravenmum · 16/08/2020 13:47

Guess it depends who you are blocking, where from.

When I found out about my ex and his OW, a friend said that oh yes, she had seen the OW "like" something of his on FB, and been suspicious but not said anything.

I have no idea how much people can see on FB if they are a friend of a friend, etc. so I just blocked my ex, the OW and anyone to do with them, in the hope that meant they wouldn't be able to see, for example, if I commented on a shared friend's post, or anything else. Not because I was raging with anger or doing it to hurt anyone's feelings, simply because I wanted to make sure I had some privacy.

At the time, I blocked my exh on Whatsapp for a while so that his status photos wouldn't appear; I did not want to see them. Unblocked him since, but the kids mentioned recently that he'd been putting loads of photos up on his status while on holiday, and I didn't see them, so presumably he must have blocked me somehow from that. I don't know or care how or why. I doubt it is to make a point of any kind. It's been years and we have nothing much to do with each other any more.

Other times, when very busy with work, I have blocked my bf on Whatsapp for a few hours just to make sure I don't keep checking to see what he's written, or feel obliged to answer.

In the past I have blocked people from OLD after a chat came to an end, or having not made a second date, due to the experience of people writing back after all to make rude comments. Not that I expected these people to ever write again, not because I was raging and fuming, but simply to avoid potential irritation.

People can still ring me up if they need something important; no big deal. I presume previous posters are thinking of other things when they say that blocking is immature.

Flatsfromnowon · 16/08/2020 15:55

@Whathewhatnow thanks so much. I can def see the pattern you describe with the guy who has blocked me. I’ve no idea why he’s done it though - I guess from you describe there doesn’t need to be a reason...

But potentially he will start hoovering??

Whathewhatnow · 16/08/2020 16:12

@Flatsfromnowon quite possibly. A prompt is likely to be if you seem to be happy and especially if you appear to have moved on and found someone else. And/or they have lost their alternative supply. Be prepared! If he is blocked then you are safe.

Flatsfromnowon · 16/08/2020 16:53

@Whathewhatnow thanks - can you sign post me to any further information?

I just thought this guy had a lot on BUT he’s done this before to me, not the blocking though... when you say supply am thinking another person?

Thing is I wouldn’t contact him
Anyway so the blocking is just rude.

Such bloody confusing behaviour

Whathewhatnow · 16/08/2020 17:06

I think this is a pretty succinct, accurate article.

Sorry you're (potentially) going through it - it's crushing, but it isn't you, it's him.

And yes, supply means someone else who supplies him with the sense of validation and ego-boost that he needs in order to prop up his fragile sense of self-esteem. My narcissistic one had only younger male friends who looked up to him, or women who basically enabled and fawned over him. I discovered afterwards!

user1481840227 · 16/08/2020 17:15

I don't see blocking as giving them power at all....and I wouldn't personally feel like I was letting myself down or anything like that by showing someone that they got to me.

I don't get the whole thing about maintaining dignity by not calling out ghosters for example. Those posts by runninginrain were brilliant.
However if a different woman received the same text and responded to him and said He was a coward to end things over text and good riddance.....then I don't think there is any loss of dignity at all. Why would there be? Relationships are the most important things in our lives, there's nothing wrong with some acknowledgement that someone has hurt you or treated you badly, it doesn't mean that you're weak 'because you let them get to you'.
We're human. Of course people will get to us!!

Sometimes blocking is the best thing to do..sometimes it's best to ignore. I think people should handle these situations whatever way they feel is best.

Whathewhatnow · 16/08/2020 17:36

That makes me feel better actually, user..... as that's what I said to mine, basically, you total coward, how very dare you and something a little bit less polite than good riddance... ;) . And then I blocked him.

I don't get the dignity bollocks either. Why pretend we don't feel? That's just lying.

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