Cannot stand DH any longer

[itsover889]

I cannot stand my DH any longer. We have a baby together and somehow it has fallen to me to do all the feeds, despite the fact that he is bottle fed. Same with the nightly baths and putting DS down for every single nap and bedtime.

DH arranged to see friends earlier and I didn’t go because I just wanted a couple of hours of me time for once. And when I say “me time” I don’t even mean relaxing - I mean a couple hours to blitz tidy the house because the mess was doing my head in.

Anyway, DH gets back from seeing the friends and complains that DS was crying a lot and the reason was that he “needed a bosom”. He’s not even breastfed FFS! I hit the roof and said that I’m entitled to have a bit of my own time every so often - and even then, although I do enjoy housework to a point, I wasn’t exactly putting my feet up while he was out.

Overall, SO much falls on me to organise - the online food shop, the pet food order, the holidays, the doctors and dentist appointments, the cooking, the driving (DH can’t cook OR drive), changing internet provider because our current one is shit, getting the house redecorated - bloody everything. The mental load is immense.

DH works hard in his job but I also have a job that I need to do on top of everything else. Admittedly it brings in less money than his but is still needed to pay the mortgage and bills.

I’m honestly at the end of my tether and can’t take it anymore. What should I do?

Oh, and even when he does offer to help, I have to tell him every single thing that needs doing and answer countless questions about how to do it - to the point where it’s just exhausting. Why can’t he take the initiative for once?

Read this, then show him it.

You both need to stop seeing you as his 'manager'

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

I have to ask why on earth you wanted to marry him. If he's always been like this I'd say it was time to call it a day.

This is why I'm not with my husband anymore. He wasn't like it when we got married, he did the bulk of the housework until we had kids in fact. Then he decided to become useless and I got tired of it. Now he lives alone and does his own chores!

What I'm thinking is - if you could arrange to just feed yourself so he doesn't get to any of it, he'd soon learn to shop, wouldn't he?

How many hours does he work per week? Sounds to me like he's lost respect for you and is totally taking the piss. You have become 'mother' and 'housekeeper' to him.

Sounds like you have an extra child. What does he actually add to your life?

How did he get so helpless? What did he eat before you came into his life?
If he is old enough to make a baby he is old enough to feed and clean the baby.
Say, 'Baby needs feeding' hand over baby and bottle and leave room. Sometimes it is the only way.

Give him jobs to do. When he puts on the helpless act, tell him to Youtube the solution. And keep telling him. Do not take over.

You married a manchild, and I doubt you didn't notice this before the baby was born. I fear this is a case where you thought he would change. They never do.

It sounds like he will take the baby out by himself for a few hours (like he did today).. that's actually better than many men on here, so maybe there's something to work with.

Why do you end up doing all the bath times, bedtimes and overnights etc? Does he refuse, or you just cave first?

You need to reset. Start by agreeing with him that you both need down time, and you both need to contribute to the housework. If he agrees to that, the rest will be easier.

Which overnights do you want him to do? Maybe start tonight, so from now on he does all Sat overnights. Do you want him to do half? Sat/Sun/Mon? Or Sat/Mon/Weds?

Should the person not on overnights do bath/bed time?
Would he take the baby out for a walk at weekends to give you a break?

And he needs to split the housework. If he can't cook, he could still do oven pizza and bagged salad once a week. Or do beans on toast for lunch. I would make one day a week 'his' day for food. Start him off with some really easy suggestions and then let him get on with it. You can either have the same food every week (once a week it won't matter), or he can choose to branch out and be a bit more adventurous using google - up to him.

If he's absolutely against cooking, he can do all the washing and laundry. Or all the hoovering / take over organising insurances / plan your summer holiday. There's loads of stuff which doesn't take skill. Make some of these 'his' jobs. You don't get involved and you don't need to remind him - they're already delegated. If they don't get done, it's on him and only him, and he deals with the fall-out.

My point, which I rather failed to get to at the end, is to set it up so that he does the same chores every week. That way he won't need to ask questions, and he'll always know what to do because it will be the same as every other week.

Everyone can cook.

If you binned his useless arse you’d only have yourself and the baby to look after, feed and clean for.

Does that appeal?

He’s not going to change. They never do.

Give him a schedule of his tasks.

Almost guaranteed you then become the nag.

So many posts on here about this. I hope you prove me wrong.

Op I can totally relate to how your feeling ... I’m in the same boat it’s soul destroying . I’ve tried buying just food for me and the kids but he’ll eat that and not replace it , he drives I don’t . It’s as if the world owes them something or they think they are doing us a favour by “babysitting “ or cleaning up after themselves. Have you had a sit down talk with him and explained how you feel ?
Big hugs and try not get too frustrated .... oh and I’ve just started reading a book “the dance of anger “ you should try that to understand things a bit better , I agree with some others I doubt he’ll change

I think your response to your H is a perfectly natural and understandable response OP.

This is who he is OP.

Sort out your contraception, unless you want this life with a couple more children in tow.

Good luck.